I've always been fascinated by ridiculous health scares in the press. Papers such as the Mail seem to have one mad story every day, ranging from bizarre warnings about computer printers to anxiety about taking holidays or eating oily fish. I thought oily fish were meant to be fantastically good for us. Now we read that their flesh contains chemicals that can cause diabetes. The net result of all this is that we have been turned into a nation of hypochondriacs. Everything, from sitting down to drinking tea, is supposedly bad for you. Even taking exercise is bad for you! Running marathons gives you chafed nipples, heart attacks and can make your toenails drop off. Apparently.

I got into the habit of cutting these stories out of the papers 20 years ago. I published my first collection in the Eighties when health scares were quite a new phenomenon. It was a much slimmer volume and came out just as health issues were beginning to be regarded as news stories. Nowadays, health is a huge industry in itself.

Frankly, I think the more outrageous examples are the result of scientists doing pointless research and hoping to get publicity out of it. And an obsession with health and safety. I'm not surprised that GPs surgeries are packed, with people coming in worrying about the most ridiculous - and unlikely - health risks. Look at this one, which came out in the Telegraph this summer: “Wearing flip-flops can put people at the risk of developing skin cancer.” Honestly. Generally speaking, I have always felt that the more people worry about health, the greater the likelihood that they will get ill.

At 71, my own health is pretty normal. I go to bed around 10pm and get up early. Well, around 7.30. And as a journalist, I call that early. Like a lot of oldies, I don't eat much. Mostly Ryvita, usually with butter and honey. I eat quite a lot of soup and enjoy chocolate now and then. All I have to cope with is the fact that I have heart flutters or atrial fibrillation. I'm on Warfarin, which always seems to need altering, necessitating blood tests and visits to the GP. Very tiresome. One month I have to take two and a half blue pills, the next it's two or three and so on. Next time I go to the surgery, I'll take him a copy of my book, You Might As Well Be Dead.

Exercise? A short walk will suffice

My exercise regimen is very limited, I'm afraid. I'm influenced by the Times columnist Dr Thomas Stuttaford and always go by what he says. He advises people my age to take it easy and just go for short walks, so that's what I do. I know he's also keen on people drinking red wine for health reasons, but I'm teetotal. Quite a long time ago my liver was found to be enlarged. Too much drink. I was advised to cut out booze, which I did. Frankly, when you are an oldie like me it's hard enough to get by even when you're sober. I gave up smoking about 30 years ago.

My main vice is a sort of general sloth. As the editor of The Oldie magazine, I get into the office at about 11.30am and leave by about 4.30pm, which involves three hours of commuting a day. I live in Berkshire, west of Reading. Actually, in my book commuting is listed as a health hazard, something which apparently causes “digestive disorders and excessive perspiration”. I don't know about excessive perspiration, but I do find it very stressful.

Even museums can damage your health

So what's the most ludicrous story I've come across? Well, it's a tough call between the hazards of daffodils (causes itching on the hands), the perils of Delia Smith (who advises us to use too much salt in our cooking), and my own particular favourite, the menace of visiting museums. Museums are fraught with danger, according to the London museums and galleries magazine MAG. It suggests that visitors should pack a bottle of water and do warm-up excercises before setting off. Why? We should apparently be on our guard because of all the walking that's involved, not to mention treacherous long corridors and staircases.

I suppose some health scares are justifiable. I am genuinely alarmed by all the stories about the dangers mobile phones might pose to the brain. Even the Government has advised against their use by very young children. This has completely put me off using them. I don't own an iPod either. But it worries me when I hear them booming in people's ears. Isn't their hearing at risk?

Actually there is a media health story that I can relate to and, of course, it comes from Dr Stuttaford. I remember he wrote about a condition called, I think, dromomania. Sufferers have to be constantly on the move to feel content. I think I've got it. I'm never happier than when my train starts to pull out of the station. Although at that point someone usually picks up their mobile phone and starts shouting into it. That usually gives me Victor Meldrew moment.

INTERVIEW: ROSIE MILLARD

Richard Ingrams's new collection of health scare stories, You Might As Well Be Dead (Oldie Publications, £6.99), can be ordered by phoning 01795 592893.

Some Ingrams favourites:

Full of wind

A fungal infection known as Cryptococcus neoformans can fester inside a bagpipe bag and spread to the player's lungs.

Any excuse

Men should avoid giving up jobs to devote increased time to housework, said a group of scientists in Wisconsin. Defying conventional sexual stereotypes can give rise to stress, leading to illness and premature death.

You're having a laugh

A leading Japanese psychiatrist has warned women working in the convenience-store industry of the dangers of smiling. All-day smiling can lead to depression, he says, as well as painful muscles and headaches.

Show them the door

Bristol City Council has threatened to remove doormats from council houses because they pose “a tripping hazard”.

Source: You Might As Well Be Dead

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