I am 16, and soon I will take my GCSEs. I'm so down lately and I'm developing a temper because of this. I'm generally a happy person, but I can't seem to pick myself up. Many people are asking: “What's wrong?” All I can ever say is “I'm fine”, when deep down I know that I'm not. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my friends because they will not understand how I feel. I love them so much, but don't want to burden them with my problems.

There seems to be one person, whom I would not normally talk to, who seems to understand me and she wants to know what's going on because she keeps asking: “Are you OK?” Even though I just want to burst into tears and have a huge hug, my head stops me. I don't know why this is; she's willing to help, but she also has a lot on her mind; again I don't want to burden her with my problems because it seems unfair.

I'm losing sleep because of this, and my temper is making others feel uncomfortable because they don't know how to react around me as I'm not usually like this. I don't want to feel like this but can't stop myself - I keep putting a smile on, then saying I'm fine when I'm not, and I don't know what to do.
Abi

Your e-mail reminded me of how I felt when I was the same age as you - and although this was 25 years ago, everything that you describe came back to me very clearly. I do not want to trivialise your feelings by implying that they are common to all 16-year-olds because I can tell from the way you write that they are a big deal and you seem to be worried that there is something wrong with you.

We live in an age saturated with therapy-speak and psychobabble. Much of what we read and watch is built around other people. Women's magazines dissect everything from how we look to who we have relationships with, or how successful we are. We live in a culture of profound dissatisfaction because we either want to be a super-idealised person and constantly fall short or because we are so busy racing from one goal to the next that we never stop to take stock of what we have achieved.

You are at an age when many of these pressures converge. You have big life choices ahead of you, you have the pressure of impending exams, you probably have personal pressures that may involve your feelings about your self, your body and possible relationships with others. This is entirely normal.

It's OK to feel vulnerable. It's OK not always to feel on top of everything. It's OK to want to burst into tears and ask for a hug. I had these feelings at 16, and still have them now at times, at the age of 41. That doesn't make me or you a failure, or flawed or in need of serious treatment - it makes us human.

We seem to have forgotten how to be human, failings and all. We become our own severest critics, setting ourselves up to feel unhappy. Then, by feeling unhappy, we start to dislike ourselves and feel unworthy of the love and attention of others and guilty about “being a burden”. We don't want to ask for help - partly because we don't know how to, partly because we feel embarrassed - and mostly because we hate to admit to ourselves that life feels all a bit too much.

The most important skill for you is being able to acknowledge when you need help and to have the courage to ask for it. This is a brave thing to do. Learn to do this and you can achieve anything, because you will accept that steady and successful progress through life is punctuated by fear, self-doubt, periods of vulnerability and moments of despair. Be honest with your friends. They may have troubles of their own (who doesn't?), but they also seem to have a genuine desire to support you.

If you find this difficult, however, it may be easier to talk, in confidence, to someone who is trained to offer support and to whom you feel no reciprocal emotional obligation. Your school should have a counsellor or a nurse who could put you in contact with your local youth services. You could talk to a GP at your local practice. Or call your local Child and Family Clinic, which can offer advice about where to find support near by. Also check out the website Young Minds (www.youngminds.org.uk), which has information, support and links for other services for young people who feel as you do. The website is emblazoned with the slogan: “We all have the right to feel good.” Finally, should you ever feel desperate and need to talk to someone, call ChildLine, the 24-hour helpline for children and young people, on 0800 1111.

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