COMING NEXT: the doctor's next topic is home births. Read Dr
Stuttaford's article, Dangerous
deliveries. E-mail your question for answer online on Wednesday and read
other recent topics here
I suffer from low self-esteem and my choice of partners seems to reflect
that. I'm constantly "downdating", and I can't stay with one man
for more than a few weeks. Am I a sex-addict - and what can I do to break
the cycle? Name and address withheld
Although the term sex
addiction is in some ways a better one than promiscuity the compulsive
desire for sex doesn't meet all the criteria necessary for a physical
addiction, such as someone might show if they had an overwhelming desire for
a heroin or alcohol fix.
Your story is a classic one. A sense of low self esteem is frequently the root
cause of multiple partnerships and polyamory. People may feel that their
appearance is so awful that they cannot understand how anyone could be
sexually attracted to them. As a result they need the regular reassurance
that they don't look as bad as they imagine. If they were they wouldn't be
picking up men so easily. Others, and both of these problems apply equally
to men and women, may feel that although they may look perfectly presentable
they have a very unlovable nature. They reason that if their new girlfriend
or boyfriend knew what they understood about themselves, and how they
thought, the new friend would have nothing to do with them. In other cases
the lack of self-esteem encompasses both delusions and they think they are
both unlovable emotionally as well as being sexually unattractive.
I should discuss this with your doctor. Cognitive therapy might help you to
see yourself as you truly are. In all probability you are both a
reasonable-looking and perfectly pleasant companion, and very possibly a
valuable member of any community with good wife potential. One of the
tragedies of people who suffer, as you do, with low self-esteem is that when
you do, as it were, hook a man who is devoted to you, you may tend to chuck
him. You probably wonder why you do it. The classic answer is that it is
likely that you were frightened that when he found out about your true self
- and perhaps your earlier sex life - he would dump you. You therefore dump
him first so that your pride doesn't take another battering.
My partner's daughters from his first marriage are so promiscuous it appals
and scares me. The eldest is 17 and has already had an abortion. The younger
is 15 and literally has sex with a different boy every time she goes out in
the evening. Their father and his ex-wife hardly speak and he feels he is
powerless to help the girls. Their mother rants and calls them sluts and
frequently doesn't speak to them for days on end as a means of telling them
off. Can you give any advice that might help or, at least explain this
behaviour? Name and address withheld
Being a step parent is a minefield. Step relationships have been described as
the most difficult of all relationships to get right. Unfortunately,
although there are age groups where the acquisition of a step parent is apt
to be especially damaging to someone's psyche, it applies to all ages,
including those who are not only grown up but in late middle age.
To be totally confident about one's own sexual and social acceptability, a
rare ability, it is essential to have had the loving reassurance of parents,
especially the mother, in childhood. When a child has a single parent it is
much easier if the father or mother has died and then they can be promoted
to saint-hood and be worshipped, either because of their memory or as a
result of the complimentary stories that are told about the absent parent
without fear of contradiction now that they are no longer in this world. If
the mother was never married, or never had a regular partner, a child can
reason that if only the father had known the child, then all would have been
well because he would never have considered leaving the home.
I am afraid that both your step-daughters seem to have had considerable
difficulties and these have overwhelmed them. They obviously lack sexual
self confidence, are unsure of their lovability and have taken every
opportunity to have tangible reassurance that they are desirable. There is
no easier, quick pick-me-up than being in the arms of a boyfriend and of
also demonstrating to themselves that they have the ability of picking up
men at will. I would suggest cognitive therapy, see your GP.
Why is promiscuity always linked to low self-esteem? I'm 33 and have had
lots of sexual partners, perhaps 25 to 30, and don't feel bad about myself.
I like variety and different men, they turn me on in different ways. Why
should I feel guilty? Name and address withheld
It is not always linked to low self esteem, but as this is a frequent cause it
is almost always inevitably mentioned in the differential diagnosis. Other
women, and men, may have a sociopathic personality and have a compulsive
desire to seek instant gratification. They see someone who turns them on and
so they immediately want him or her. They are like children who no sooner
see a chocolate than they want it, a toy in the shop window than they begin
to nag on until it has been bought for them or, more alarmingly, a puppy
that is sweet than they must have a dog. Turning a lustful relationship into
a long term one is a function of a different part of the brain. Your lust
may be stimulated in different ways by different people, but if you are
going to transform one of these short affairs into a long term, preferably
life-long, relationship you will need more than just physical attraction.
You will need mutual interests, possibly domestic such as house and
children, possibly professional, social or even political. Once the
relationship is established it should in time move on to a deep friendship.
You shouldn't feel guilty. You may not have a lack of self-esteem but so
long as you always make it plain to your boyfriends that the chances of you
being a long term partner are remote you are not deluding them.
Isn't sex addiction more to do with having casual sex with someone you
don't particularly fancy rather than casual sex with someone you fancy
enormously? Every girl I've slept with, I have fancied enormously, so the
number of different girls is not a reflection of my promiscuity but rather
my unending fascination with the opposite sex. I'd like to settle down one
day - I'm 40 - but I wonder whether I could stick to one woman only. Name
and address withheld
i am a 62 year old woman who is experiencing hot flushes especially at night, my doctor will not prescribe HRT I was on it till I was 55 as I had a hysterectomy at 44 this last year I have been so uncomfortable at night especially in bed I tried alternative medicine to no avail can you help?
alison sproule, port glasgow, inverclyde
i am a 46 yr old male reasant this year after 4 yrs blood tests was diagnosed april 07 with pressure on the forehead which since sept 07 was a small dose thyroxin and as of today now subscribe full dose this problem is on the pituary gland to my forehead i suffer with short term memory loss and affects my work also caused me high blood pressure does this affect most people
chris vernall, crewe, uk
HI I AM A 35 YEAR OLD FEMALE WITH AN OVERACTIVE THYROID. ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO I WAS GIVEN RADIO ACTIVE IODIENE WHICH HAS COMPLETELY MESSED MY THYROID UP. I AM CURRENTLY ON 400MG OF THYROXINE A DAY AND HAVE BEEN FOR ALMOST A YEAR. (YES YOU READ RIGHT 400MG A DAY) AND IT STILL ISN'T WORKING. i AM ALSO HAVING TO GO THROUGH IVF AS I HAVE SEVERE ENDOMETRIOSIS AND AM WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WILL OR WONT HAPPEN IF I MANAGE TO BECOME PREGNANT WITH THE IVF. Please can you help.
wendy halliday, aberdeen, scotland
penis dysmorphobia? not me then! I have a small penis, but I love it when compared to bigger ones by girls, size queens, oh we are all freaks when it comes to sex, internet to blame??? sexual fantasies are a persons most hidden secrets!
Adam Webb, MK, UK
I cannot understand how women, just because they had a good birth experience at home can criticise hospital births. Forty years ago I had a son in hospital and was made to deliver on my back with feet in stirrups! We were both fine but a friend of that period had a difficult birth at home. I felt glad I had mine in hospital. My second delivery was still in hospital but the birth was so easy it could have happened at home. When I became pregnant for the 3rd time I had to almost beg to go into hosital. Thanks goodness I needed a lot of help and care afterwards. My point being - we can never predict how well a delivery may be. Please ladies forget about how wonderful you want the experience to be and concentrate on a safe healthy baby and a "rest" afterwards.
fran of norwich, norwich, norfolk
Re: Aspirin and flying. Some experts suggest that, as aspirin acts mainly on the arterial system and blood clots form in the veins, aspirin has no part in the prevention of clots.
Vivian, Hvar Island, Croatia
...another argument implying that childbirth is a disaster waiting to happen and is only safe in retrospect.
Can someone in the media please do some research on the training of midwives (and the ongoing training once qualified)? It is mandatory that midwives train in neonatal resuscitation techniques every year, and are also trained to deal with most obstetric emergencies (be it at home, on the bus, in a yurt, or up a mountain). Midwives support and promote the normality of birth, but equally are also trained to recognize the parameters of normality so that when a deviation is seen, appropriate help is sought: and that includes transfer to hospital if attending a homebirth.
Planning for a home birth is not final and binding and not forced on women (despite what the media would have us think). Midwives offer 'informed choice': pros and cons (based on extensive research) are discussed and the woman makes up her own mind. Something the medics often fail to consider...
Hacked off student midwife, London,
With modern forensic, post-natal techniques paediatric neurologists can tell by acidosis in the cord blood precisely how minutes of oxygen deprivation a baby suffered during a delayed birth and how much additional brain-damage each successive minute caused. So, at least if something does go wrong during a home birth it should be possible to discover afterwards whether being 5 minutes away from emergency intervention or 15 would have made much of a difference. Not much comfort to the new mother of a disabled child of course, but it might reassure her that the home birth was not necessarily an enormous factor in her child's lifelong impairment as 5 minutes might have meant her child would someday walk and talk and 15 that they would do one or the other but not both. Imagine what it must be like for a healthy, full-term baby struggling to be born and to breathe with its cord failing but stuck helpless inside its mother. This is real life and its a life-sentence for parent and child.
Michelle, Chislehurst, UK
Hi as a midwife currently providing a homebirth service then the importance that should be placed on a womans instincts can not be underestimated. Midwifery practice is evidence based but also works "with woman" to ensure that where possible the pregnancy experience meets her wishes and expectations. In the case of homebirth I have looked after many women who "safely" deliver at home but conversely have transferred women into hospital due to them not feeling happy at home or complications arising (as can happen in hospital labour). It is unusual for complications to arise out of the blue and with watchful, competent midwives any problems can be pre-empted and acted on. It is also important as midwives that we listen to women as they are most aware of what is happening to their bodies. In this current climate it is important that womens choice is valued and supported where possible. For appropriately assessed women with straight forward pregnancies home birthshould always be an option.
Lucy , East Anglia,
With Dr Stuttaford’s response to Margaret in London, all is made clear: agree with him, and receive a pat on the back as a good girl. Disagree, and receive a reply that is patronising or verging on the rude reply. Little woman, know your place, and do as doctor tells you.
Incidentally, I was born in hospital in the mid-seventies to a mother of thirty, my younger sisters at home a few years later. Re. the long-term study Dr Stuttaford suggests, of the three of us only I have ever been hospitalised, and otherwise we are all healthy, intelligent, and and productive members of society. It's hardly a proper study, but it's just as good evidence as "I had to have a forceps delivery, thank goodness I was in hosptial", when hospitalized brith itself increases the likelihood in a low-risk birth of a forceps delivery.
Catherine, Oxford,
I suffered from severe joint pain and extremely painful feet for two years at the start of my menopause. I was referred to Arthritis Clinic which took around 9 months before being seen there (leaving me to suffer and deal with the side-effects of medication which did little if anything to help), until I read of an old remedy of two capfuls of cider vinegar added to cup of boiled hot water with two teaspoons of Manuka honey to taste. Take this twice to three times a day. Its not a cuppa you would want to take time over drinking, but a small cup of this taken as above over a period of three months, resulted in very little joint pain now and pain free feet for the first time in two years. The joy of walking now is something I never take for granted.
Try sea kelp supplements to help thicken hair.
Isovon (Soy Isoflavones) may be worth trying also.
I empathise with all you are experiencing but good luck.
Sylvia, Glasgow, Scotland
..I have been losing hair from fringe and temple area very slowly over last 2/3 years and deduct that it is probably male pattern baldness resulting from falling oestrogen levels.As I have an extremley high hairline anyway and have always used fringe to soften severe look it is very de
pressing to think that by the time my menopause is over I could lose a lot more(as Idid after birth of my 2 children).I'm 50,eat lots of fruit,veg,soya ,pulses and even red meat I have had negative tests for underactive thyroid ,anaemia and abnormal testosterone levels I.have taken all sorts of supplements to no avail and would willingly take H.R.T. if this slowed down hair loss.Is there really nothing I can do?My French GP won't even do a hormone test until I have been period free for at least 6 months,despite extreme fatigue,joint pain,bad temper and memory problems.
Thomas Julie, Le Mans, France