Q I’ve always had an active sex life with my husband of 19 years. But
he has now acquired an artificial vagina. Does this mean he is losing
interest in me?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A Your husband’s shopping expedition does not necessarily signal the
end of your sexual relationship, nor does it indicate that he is growing
tired of you. But it would be absurdly optimistic not to see it as a
worrying sign.
Men who buy blow-up dolls or artificial vaginas, and intend to use them for
something other than a tasteless joke at a stag or student party, are
relying heavily on fantasy for some aspect of their sex life. But they will
tell anyone who discovers their secret buying spree that it is no different
from a woman with a regular partner buying a vibrator, a sex toy that is now
a mainstream piece of kit and part of current sexual mores.
So, while countless happily married women patients have told me that they have
a vibrator, few men who have consulted me have admitted resorting to blow-up
dolls or artificial vaginas, perhaps because they were afraid of being seen
as sad losers.
Why is it acceptable for women to admit to owning a vibrator and for men to
stay silent about their sex toys? I believe that it all stems from men
evolving over thousands of years as hunters. Even modern men are still,
rightly or wrongly, thought of as having something of the caveman about
them; society still seems to expect them to have the potential to attract
and bring back a trophy woman to their lair. It would be a feeble caveman
who dragged back a plastic vagina to his fireside.
You don’t tell us how you discovered your husband’s plastic vulva with its
acrylic hairs. Was it hidden in his sock drawer, behind his suits in the
wardrobe or did he casually mention it one night after he had finished his
pudding? (One of my highly sophisticated, sensitive, experienced, but
somewhat decadent patients suggests that if the sexual attraction of a
partner begins to wane, manners dictate that other aids, whether alive or
inanimate, should be discreetly hidden.)
Perhaps your husband is ahead of his time or perhaps he intended that you
should find his guilty secret because he wants to use it as the basis for a
discussion about your sex life.
Research in the Seventies showed that, after 20 years of marriage, many
happily married people’s sex lives had all but petered out. I have chatted
to hundreds of couples about this and often it is – or was – because a woman
hasn’t understood that once a man’s potency dwindles, the nights of
spontaneous erections are over.
And most older men in an established relationship can’t admit that they need a
woman who is able physically, as well as mentally, to excite them, while
giving every appearance of enjoying the experience.
Although my patients never readily volunteered artificial vulvas, blow-up
dolls are more popular than I realised.
A quick visit to the back of a high street sex shop soon reveals rows of
dildos of all shapes, sizes, colours and textures. Usually near by, but less
obviously displayed, there is a shelf of penis rings, dolls and artificial
vaginas. Perhaps, significantly, they are no longer hidden away in some dim
basement recess, with whips, manacles, chains and suspect videos.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in
a genitourinary clinic
SUZI GODSON
A Why does your husband need a fake vagina when he can have your real
one for free? The answer is far simpler than the question. Whether it’s a
car, a computer console, a flat-screen plasma TV or an ultra-realistic
cyberskin model of Pammy Anderson’s vibrating parts, men just love gadgets,
especially desirable fashion-forward gadgets that incorporate the kind of
futuristic technology that generates lots of “oohs” and “aahs” down the pub.
Admittedly, artificial vaginas have never fallen into this category. but in
1998 a former police officer in the United States patented a “device for
discreet sperm collection”. His design for an artificial vagina cost more
than $2 million to develop, but it was money well spent as the Fleshlight is
now the world’s bestselling sex toy for men.
It is basically an interchangeable vaginal tunnel disguised inside a – wait
for it – torch. Nothing too special about that, you might say, but, unlike
other sex toys, the Fleshlight is not made from latex, plastic or silicone
but a patented material called Real Feel Super Skin, which has a velvety
touch and is slightly lubricated. The inner sleeve of the device is
available in a range of orifices; choose from vagina, anus, mouth or Super
Tight Mini-Maid, which is designed, apparently, to feel more like
heterosexual anal penetration (it’s important to avoid gender confusion,
even with sex toys).
Recently Fleshlights have incorporated celebrity porn mouldings so you can get
a Vanilla DeVille or a Raven Riley labia, for example. You can also opt for
a “Stealth”, which the website describes as “perfect for dodging those
embarrassing moments when questioned by customs officers about your
‘flashlight that doesn’t turn on’.” Ho ho.
The manufacturers have marketed this product avidly, with the many journalists
who were sent a freebie describing it as the “ultimate faux vagina” and a
sex toy that has “raised the bar exponentially” for men. It even has its own
YouTube slot. The great press means that sales have rocketed and thousands,
nay millions, of men such as your husband, who wouldn’t otherwise have
dreamt of succumbing to the delights of an artificial vagina, have given
this intriguing technologically advanced sex toy a chance.
Buying one isn’t difficult. Your husband could even have ordered his from his
desk as it’s one of the thousands of sex products sold on Amazon, including
thousands of vibrators.
Sales in the latter product soared after an episode of Sex and the City
in which Charlotte was introduced to a 7in sex toy with vibrating bunny ears
that reached the places male anatomy couldn’t reach. The Rampant Rabbit then
became the biggest-selling female sex toy in the world. Men felt pretty
threatened by a toy that was always up and on but they soon realised that
vibrators can’t cuddle and they can’t mow the lawn either.
Similarly, your husband will soon see that his Fleshlight may serve a purpose,
but it won’t serve him dinner and, between you and me, cleaning them out
afterwards is a nightmare. So it is only a matter of time before his
artificial vagina ends up out in the garage gathering dust with the
breadmaker, the fondue set and the rowing machine.
Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and
The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
timesonline.co.uk/love
E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul,
The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT
