We have two delightful children aged 3 and almost 18 months. They have enriched our lives. Our boys eat and sleep well and seem very happy. We are hands-on parents and enjoy family life. But we have a problem that is growing to such an extent that our relationship is suffering - our sex life is nonexistent. We know that we have a problem, but feel too embarrassed to get help. We know that things have become so difficult that we fear there might be long-term repercussions. Our sex life dwindled after the birth of our eldest son - we were tired and adjusting to life as parents. But it never picked up again and, literally, the one time that it did our second son was conceived. We didn't feel too bothered about a lack of sex at first as we have always been so close and intimate. But we began to feel concerned when we realised that we had no desire at all. Matters were made worse by friends who regaled us with stories of their great post-birth sexual experiences. So three months after our second son was born we decided to “get going” again. Disaster. Now we are stressed and are getting angry with each other for the lack of performance. Our relationship is beginning to suffer - please help.

Gemma

Well done for being so refreshingly honest - to yourselves and to each other. Just as many couples can feel that other people are better parents than they are, I am sure that there are many who get themselves into a sexual jam because they believe that everyone else is swinging from the chandeliers just after the baby is born. I, too, have been at those dinner parties where, after too much wine, there are couples who nauseatingly want to share their sexual adventures. I often sit, listen and wonder - if it's all so great, why do you want to share with the group? So, point one, when it comes to evaluating yourself as a parent - don't do comparison. How you act as parents is your own business. How you get your sex life back post-children is down to you - without any sexual benchmarking against anyone else.

You are right to say that it is not unusual for sex lives to diminish after the arrival of children - and there are many reasons for this. Obviously, being physically and mentally exhausted will always make a hot bath and TV in bed feel like utopia. And why not? If you don't feel up to sex, don't do it. Also, from the female perspective, there's the anxiety that comes with thinking that if something so big came out, do I ever want anything, of any size, to go back up? Sometimes men can feel concerned about this. I have worked with couples where the father, who has witnessed his child's arrival, has had difficulties adjusting to what else he saw going on down at the “business end”.

Many women feel their bodies are limp and saggy. Many men feel that their partner's bodies belong to someone else - their child, who they love more than they could ever have believed, but whom they resent for having first call on breasts and for getting the loving looks and hugs that once belonged to them.

This is normal. This is called an adjustment reaction. This is what we are supposed to go through, and will eventually leave behind, unless we let ourselves be sucked into the world of the parental Olympics. In the same way that I advise parents who are practising ignoring their children's tantrums, I urge you both to let go of what you think others may be doing and just get back to being yourselves.

So you've had a sexual drought. But you've also got happy, settled little boys. I can't tell you how many of my readers would trade a year of bedroom bliss for supper times when their offspring eat with pleasure and bedtimes when they spring into bed with a kiss and a smile and then an unbroken night of sleep.

Think about your intimate relationship as something new. Imagine you are back at the beginning. Banish thoughts about how it should be because that is how it once was and embrace a new dawn. Get back to basics - rediscover the glances, the flirting, the slow cuddles. Take a fresh look at each other and see this time as a new stage of rediscovery.

Given that you both have what seems to be an anxious preoccupation with sex, which is clearly impacting negatively on performance, treat your journey of rediscovery as a slow series of experiences. Let them begin with non-threatening, pleasurable activities that do not require any specific sexual performance. As with any anxiety- related problem the answer is systematic desensitisation - a step-by-step progression towards the long-term goal in manageable, non-threatening stages that can be enjoyed and mastered with diminishing anxiety. Plot the steps and even if you both feel desperate to go farther, don't. Take your time. Explore other ways that you can pleasure each other that don't rely on the tricks of the past. You've both moved on and so has your intimate life.

Frankly, if you can produce such happy boys and enjoy such happy family days all you now need to do is acknowledge the amount of selfless energy that you have put into the start of your children's lives and give yourselves permission to put some back into your relationship. You will do well and as you embark on this exciting, slow and wonderful journey of rediscovery, you'll thank your lucky stars that you got your boys to sleep through the night!

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