I had a very acrimonious divorce from my first wife. Without going into the details, I no longer see my two sons, aged 8 and 14, or my 20-year-old stepdaughter from this marriage: nor, it seems, do they want to see me. My first wife was, and probably still is, a dangerous manipulator of my children's feelings, and I suspect that their feelings were severely influenced by her. I do not attempt to contact or see them because I believe that they have been forced to see contact as hurting their mother's feelings.

In the US this is termed parental alienation syndrome. It is not recognised in UK family courts, but I won't waste time talking about the UK family legal system. Suffice to say, not all Fathers4Justice supporters are lager louts. Recently I joined the social networking site MySpace, and noticed that my eldest son and stepdaughter have accounts. Would it be OK to contact them or would this do more harm than good, raising all sorts of half-forgotton ill-feelings and family politics? Common sense tells me not to even attempt to contact them, but to wait for that fateful day when (if?) they search and find my contact details. Presumably they are happy with the status quo. You might say that the same argument applies to letters, but of course the advantage of MySpace is that my ex-wife is not in control of such contact. However, I suspect that they would feel “harrased” (via their mother) if I even attempted any form of contact other than the yearly birthday and Christmas cards. I now have a new wife and family, and part of me wants to forget my previous family now... but part of me wants to be there in some way. So, should I drop them a line via MySpace or wait for them to find me online?
- Mike

It is estimated that there are up to 200,000 relationship breakdowns involving children each year: they usually result in fathers having less contact with their children, sometimes none at all. Your story is sadly familiar and painful to read because in the fallout from your marital breakdown there are so many casualties - especially the children. Clearly your story is more complicated than you can tell here and there is more than one side to the story (everyone will have their version of events), but what is clear is the amount of anger that has cut through parent-child relationships and how that has led to substantial loss for so many.

Unless a parent has been abusive and can't be rehabilitated, or is a risk to the health and wellbeing of their children, there is no acceptable reason why they should cease to have contact after a separation. Children value the relationships they have with their parents, and even in the most disturbed and dysfunctional circumstances there will be an attempt to enable supervised access so that children can keep a connection with a parent. However, given that divorce can be so acrimonious, children are often caught in the crossfire of adults' emotional assaults on each other. With emotions running high, parents can behave in the most selfish and ruthless manner and use their children as allies and missiles, rather than having the maturity to acknowledge that their issues as adults have nothing to do with the children. I despair when I am faced with families at war: I see troubled and anxious children pulled back and forth, their loyalties challenged and polluted with the bile and hatred pouring from irrationally hurt and angry parents. In the short term children may appear to be coping (in fact, probably just trying to keep the peace), but in the long term such childhood experiences can have devastating effects on their own adult relationships and relationships with their own offspring.

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You mention parental alienation (PA), first described in the 1980s by the forensic psychiatrist Dr Richard Gardner. When a child eventually begins supporting the negative, hostile and angry position of one parent (and believes this to be his or her own decision), PA becomes parental alienation syndrome (PAS): its features include access and contact-blocking, unfounded abuse allegations, deterioration in relationships since separation, and intense hostility and/or fear reaction by children.

Although this syndrome has not been formally recognised by either the American Psychological Association or the American Medical Association, you are right that, in the US, case law has sometimes recognised it in child custody disputes. However, its use in such cases, which are heavily litigated and filled with accusations and counter-accusations, is highly contentious, and there are concerns that it could be used by one abusive parent against another genuinely afraid and protective parent.

For any father who finds himself in the desperate situation of having limited or no contact with his children despite court-agreed access arrangements, I recommend finding support both legally and emotionally. The Fatherhood Institute (www.fatherhoodinstitute.org) offers a listing of all support services for separated dads; www.dad.info offers advice on all aspects of fatherhood, including separation; Families need Fathers (www.fnf.org.uk ) has a helpline, 08707 607496, as does ParentLine Plus on 0808 8002222 (www.parentlineplus.org.uk). For court and legal advice go to www.cafcass.gov.uk and www.resolution.org.uk.

You ask whether you should contact your children via MySpace. If your son and stepdaughter have not set their privacy settings they are, in effect, allowing anyone to contact them. Your 14-year-old son may lack the judgment to critically evaluate who is contacting him, and so should really use privacy settings to restrict contacts to friends. But your stepdaughter is an adult and is probably the one to contact; she is outside the jurisdiction of her mother.

However, given that you contact them with cards at birthdays and Christmas, what is wrong with contacting both of them via MySpace? It's not as if you are suddenly arriving on the doorstep in person. If they don't wish to acknowledge you, they won't, and they can block you from contacting them again.

What you have to think about is what you want to achieve. Do you have a genuine desire to be in their lives or does this just present itself as an opportunity to contact them without their mother knowing? If they don't respond, do you intend to pursue other avenues to regain contact and a relationship? What would this attempt at contact mean in the long term?

These are fundamental questions that only you can answer, but I would advise that before you type a message and press the send button, you think long and hard about what you want to achieve, how you will follow through and how you will deal with any potential fallout, both for you and your son and stepdaughter. If MySpace hadn't presented you with an easy communication option, would you at this time be considering contacting your children by other more traditional means?

If you have a family or psychological problem, e-mail Tanya at drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk