This assumption includes the ambition to have a happy sex life.
When fixing on an ambition it is essential to analyse it and to know just what you are aiming for. You haven’t given us the necessary details about your aims, or perhaps you haven’t determined them. It is important to decide if you want to establish a regular partnership. Would you be content with a long-lasting friendship with occasional sex thrown in as a bonus, rather than having an in-house lover? Are you prepared to have a sex life dependent on a series of one-night stands, short affairs or as part of a holiday romance?
If you are seeking a regular partnership with cohabitation, are you reconciled to the likelihood that the man who is most likely to be attracted to you will in all probability have reached the stage of his life when his sexual prowess is failing? Would you be prepared to choose a partnership with commitment even if the long-term prospects of good sex were inprobable? Are you aware that there is a formula that foretells the likely age of a long- term partner?
There is evidence that, in the main, a man is likely to be attracted to a woman about half his age plus nine years (plus or minus a year or two). A man of 20 will, therefore, aim for a 19- year-old, a 30-year-old with a 24-year-old, and a man of 50 with someone of 35. The formula works less well in older age groups, but the principle remains. As a woman in her fifties, are you prepared to team up with a man in his sixties or early seventies?
If you decide that you want a long-term partnership, you must decide how to achieve it. Don’t set your heart on a very particular type of man, but keep an open mind. Plan your social life so that you come into contact with as many men as possible with whom you have as much in common as possible. Seek those with the same interests, backgrounds and prejudices.
Join organisations, but choose ones which genuninely interest you so that you don’t appear facile or even bogus. Become part of the organisation, show that you can cope and are as pleasant in adversity as you are sexually attractive. Give evidence that you are someone who likes to be interdependent but not dependent.
As to the middle-aged woman’s approach to sex and libido after the menopause, this is said to develop in one of three ways. Usually, if all goes well at the menopause and you are a happy person in general, you will find that your sexual desires, that may well have been increasing for some years, level off. Women who may have been insecure, who have feelings of inadequacy and little self-worth, may become sexually more demanding. The third approach is often experienced by women who are depressed — sex may no longer have any excitement for them, their libido falls away and may even vanish. These statements are all generalisations but there is some truth in them.
Physical problems may be overcome with short-term use of HRT.
Assuming that you’ve classified all the men in your existing social circle as either spoken for or unspeakable, the first thing you need to do is to broaden your horizons. I don’t know how sociable you are, or what you are interested in doing, but if you are looking for a man, dating agencies are the obvious place to start.
Many agencies won’t take women over 40 because they can’t find any older men to match them with. Men tend to date downwards and given the choice between a 30-year-old and a 50- year-old, well, it’s a no-brainer for the male ego, isn’t it? If you have access to the internet you may have more luck with online introduction agencies. Saga (www.saga.co.uk) has a chatroom or you could try Singles Grapevine (www.singlesgrapevine.com). A Google search (www.google.com) of “dating for older people UK” will bring up a whole lot more. You could also find a listed agency through Which Intro (www.whichintro.com), the most comprehensive database of dating agencies in the UK. Which Intro will help you to identify which agency is right for you and it also vets client lists, fees and guarantees in advance.
Personal ads might be an option, too. I know several people who have found partners this way. Placing an ad is more successful than responding to one because you can be specific about what you want and don’t want. Make sure to word the ad carefully. In the personals, lots of phrases have double meanings ie; fun loving = sex mad; young at heart = 75+, young looking = 45+. Ageism is rife, so imply your own age but specify the precise age group that you are interested in meeting. Choose a newspaper or magazine that reflects your values and interests and never reveal your phone number. If you get 15 replies, try to meet at least half of them. Choose a public place, tell a friend where you will be, take a mobile and, if you do get it on, use a condom.
Learning a new skill or taking up a hobby often leads to new friendships. You can take adult education classes in virtually anything and most institutions will allow you sit in on one for free before you decide to join. This lets you check out suitable talent before you make a commitment. Dance classes are popular but there are usually more women than men. Bridge classes tend to be completely overrun with menopausal women, but cookery classes attract lots of divorced men learning how to boil an egg for the first time. Wine-tasting classes are always popular and no one ever spits out the wine (www.singlesonthego.com).
Singles holidays can be great, but always check the age and ratio of men to women in the group. I went on a walking holiday with Exodus travel (www.exodus.co.uk) last year and there were 12 men and two women in my group. That’s the kind of healthy ratio you are looking for. Solo Travel Online (www.solotravelonline.com) provides info on travel options for single people but your best bet is probably Saga holidays (www.sagaholidays.com) which specialises in holidays for the over-50s. Let’s hope they live up to their nickname — sexually active geriatrics abroad.
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
