Rowing or bickering, crying or yelling — any heightened emotional state tends to tire us out. Whether it’s a trivial argument on the phone with a family member, or a major relationship break-up, it makes our blood pressure rise and heart pump, while tears cause headaches and an overwhelming sense of weariness. At times like these, falling into bed and blocking it out seems by far the most comforting option — but leaving matters unresolved and resorting to sleep as an escape can be counterproductive.

“If someone is upset, taking it to bed is fatal,” says Cliff Arnall, a psychologist who specialises in sleep and stress issues. “Emotional tiredness manifests in the same way as physical; aching limbs, lightheadedness. But if you go to bed in an agitated state, however tired you feel, you won’t sleep well. It’s important to process what has happened and how you feel, to get your feelings out.

If there’s no one to talk to, write it all down and at the bottom write: ‘I am tired now and am going to sleep. Goodnight.’”

TRAUMA

Anyone who has suffered any kind of trauma will tell you that there’s a state of exhaustion you can reach that is way beyond anything you feel after a few late nights. “For six months after my mum died, I fell asleep at about 10pm — no matter where I was,” says Carla Vassie, 29. This kind of exhaustion is caused by dealing with an overwhelming mix of emotions: shock, grief, disbelief, guilt and anger. Sleep can provide a welcome escape from reality at traumatic times but it is important not to become too reliant on sinking into unconsciousness.

“Coping with normal life is what exhausts people,” says Joy Caplin, a counsellor for Cruse Bereavement Care. “Society expects people to function in the same way after a trauma as they did before; we are given precious little time to recover. It’s important not to try to do too much, not to put pressure on yourself — that just adds to the exhaustion.”

She believes that plenty of sleep can help, but the trauma has to be processed. “Sleep won’t take the pain away and it won’t help to process your feelings. Find someone to talk to — whether it’s a friend, partner or counsellor and go over what has happened repeatedly. It’s essential to externalise it; there is nothing more tiring than carrying a trauma inside you.

STRESS

Long-hours culture dominates many workplaces and increasingly we come home stressed out after a manic day in the office and ready for nothing but a large glass of wine, a bit of supper and straight to bed.

“Stress tiredness is produced simply by the pace at which we live our lives, but the key is to identify if there is a dominant cause which you can deal with,” says Dr Ian Medley, a psychiatrist. “A bit of self-scrutiny is called for — are you over-committed? Is there something worrying you that you’re putting off dealing with? Do you give yourself any space to just kick back and relax?” Dr Medley believes that stress tiredness is often caused by a lack of downtime to disengage from the pressures of modern life and to really relax.

“People who lead very busy lives tend to regard times when they are a bit less busy as a time when they relax. But this isn’t the case. We need to take natural breaks in our day, to schedule in an hour here and there for a long bath or a good book. If you come home from work and spend an hour relaxing, you will feel much less tired for the rest of the evening. Sleep isn’t necessarily the best remedy for this kind of tiredness; it’ s about taking time to unwind.”

DEPRESSIVE

Tiredness tends to be a symptom of depression, whether it’s a day or two of feeling low or weeks of severe, clinical depression. The desire to lie in bed, or to curl up on the sofa, can be difficult to overcome, but in this case tiredness is a state of mind; it’s about “what’s the point?” “It’s a tiredness that feeds on itself — far from rejeuvenating, days spent lying around in front of the TV or in bed will only make you feel more tired, lethargic and low,” says Fiona Jackson, the spokeswoman for Mind, the mental health charity. “With serious depression it may be impossible to get out of bed on some days, and no one should feel guilty for that. But if you can get up and do some exercise, it will have a definite effect on how you feel.”

Exercise has been proved to release serotonin into the brain — a chemical that makes us feel positive and happy. In some areas GPs can now prescribe a course of exercise at your local gym. “The trick is not to put pressure on yourself,” Jackson says. “If the gym seems too much, just go for a stroll to the shops, or round the park. It’s amazing how doing something — anything — actually makes you feel less tired.”

PHYSICAL

The most simple and familiar type, physical tiredness, may be as a result of running around after the kids all day, hours bent over in the garden or spending too long on the treadmill at the gym. Physical tiredness is positive proof that we have been using up energy and sleep is required to restore the balance. Going to bed when you are physically tired invariably leads to the best type of sleep.

“Stage four sleep has the slowest delta-wave activity and it is the most relaxing and refreshing stage,” says Cliff Arnall. “However, you have to pass through the first three stages — there’s a kind of pathway down to it — and you have to be in relaxed sleep to achieve it. People who are physically tired tend to reach this stage most easily, and when you wake up in the morning and feel you ’ve had a great night’s sleep, you have probably reached stage four.”