If I had received a generous fee for all the women, or their partners, who over the years have consulted me about this problem my children would have had an even better education than they did. There is a simple, mechanical explanation that in many cases is the most important factor. Vaginas are elastic. Just as a rubber band if overstretched may never regain its elasticity and is forever slack, a vagina may be so stretched by childbirth that thereafter it loses its power to grip.

The episiotomy, the snip that is performed when the baby’s head begins to emerge during delivery, has advantages. The repair may occasionally cause discomfort during sex for a time afterwards, but the vaginal wall and the perineal muscles are likely to be in better order than would have been if nature had been left to its own devices. It used to be said that British midwifery looked after the baby, the contents of the envelope, but allowed the envelope, the vagina and perineum, to be destroyed.

It is not only the vaginal wall that can be overstretched at delivery. The muscles of the perineum, the part of the pelvic floor between the anus and the vagina, are also frequently torn or over-extended and these need to be repaired after delivery, muscle layer by muscle layer. If only the skin and mucus membrane are stitched together, and the muscle layers are left unattended, the result is a condition for some reason known as “dashboard perineum”.

When a woman resumes her role as a lover, this condition means that the interior muscles are able to exert only a small amount of grip on the penis during sex, or none at all. Intact perineal muscle layers are needed to achieve this.

If the perineal musculature has been destroyed and has not been repaired immediately after childbirth, it should be reconstructed surgically. But the results are unlikely to be as good as they would have been had the repair been done at the time of the delivery.

There are possibly more complex explanations for your troubles. A minority of men have admitted to me in the sanctity of the surgery that once a woman has had a baby they find her less sexually attractive. It is true that a large proportion of the pleasure that some men derive from sex is because they regard the woman’s body as a sexual object. They make love because of this rather than because of their love for the woman.

The man says that the woman is less desirable because she now has a tummy that sags, a vagina that is slack, and breasts that are spaniel-eared. In fact, this is an example of Freud’s madonna/whore theory. These men want their women either as mothers on a pedestal or sluts in the bedroom. You have been promoted to the pedestal. While waiting for a gynaecological opinion on your vagina and pelvic floor, you should extend your knowledge of adventurous lovemaking and the positions that exert pressure on the penis.

Most women who have experienced the awesome phenomenon of an 8lb (3.6kg) baby emerging from between their legs say that they are glad they gave birth the old-fashioned way. Vaginal delivery is still the safest way to have a child. Although one NHS birth in five is now by C-section, a 2001 study of 50,000 births in southeast England revealed a fourfold rise in the rate of “life-threatening events” associated with Caesareans.

That said, it does have a few drawbacks. Because childbirth stretches the vaginal muscles, pregnant women are encouraged to begin strengthening the pelvic floor (continence-foundation.org.uk/docs/pelvwom.htm) with Kegel exercises as soon as they become pregnant. Since you don’t feel that these exercises have helped, talk to your GP so that anything more serious can be ruled out. Once it has been established that your problem is purely to do with vaginal stretching, your GP can advise you on the appropriate treatment. He or she may recommend that you do some one-to-one supervised pelvic-floor toning sessions with a nurse so that you can be sure you are doing the routines correctly. You may also be advised to combine progestogen tablets with an oestrogen cream such as Ovestin or Premarin, or to try a short course of HRT to boost your vaginal oestrogen.

Your GP might suggest electrical stimulation to tone your vaginal muscles. This treatment is generally administered by a specialist physiotherapist or a nurse and involves passing an electric current through the pelvic floor muscles via a vaginal probe or surface electrodes placed on the perineum (the skin between the vagina and the anus). It feels like pins and needles and must be done for 20 minutes a day for 20 days.

At home you could try using “vaginal cones” to strengthen your pelvic floor. The cones are a set of small weights which you insert into your vagina where they are held in place by your pelvic floor muscles. You start by using the lightest weight for a short period, once or twice a day, gradually increasing the weight, frequency and length of time until you can use them for 15 to 20 minutes at a time. They are widely available from pharmacies for £15 and are worth trying.

Another product that claims to restore honeymoon freshness is the Pelvic Toner (£29.99 plus postage, from natural-woman.com). It looks like a cross between a vibrator and a pair of curling tongs. You slather it with lubricant, insert it and squeeze your muscles to bring the two sides together.

As a last resort, you could go for a “designer vagina”. Vaginal tightening is available from the Transform Cosmetic Surgery Group (transforminglives.co.uk). The procedure lasts an hour and a half and costs £3,000 to £5,000. It takes about six weeks to fully recover and it’s a painful option which is likely to put you off sex for some time — a bit like childbirth, really.

OVER TO YOU

Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.