Back in the 1800s female sexual arousal didn’t have a name, it had a diagnosis. Hysteria. The condition was thought to be a disorder of the womb (in fact, the word is derived from hustera, the Greek word for womb) and it had a range of now familiar symptoms — anxiety, rapid heart rate, sleeplessness, sexual fantasies, pelvic heaviness, vaginal lubrication, impulse purchasing etc. Fortunately, the chronic and recurring ailment could be temporarily relieved by the medical administration of vaginal massage to induce “hysterical paroxysm” (orgasm). Unfortunately, this made going to the doctor more popular than cross stitching, so the medical profession welcomed with aching arms the invention of steam-driven vibrating machines.

In 1883 a British doctor, Joseph Mortimer Granville, patented the first electromechanical version of the vibrator and although it, too, was sold as a medical device, it wasn’t long before portable versions were being sold as a sort of “cure all” for female health problems. Mail order allowed women to buy vibrating massagers from magazines such as Needlecraft and Women’s Home Companion. These publications advertised massagers to improve health, wellbeing and circulation, but the real promises were to be found in the small print. Women soon learnt to read between lines such as “all the pleasure of youth . . . will throb within you”.

And so did their husbands. In 1921, Hearst magazine published the first vibrator advertisement aimed at men. It maintained a façade of respectability by encouraging men to buy vibrators to keep them free from the “scourge of hysteria” but it also promised to keep their wives “young and pretty”.

While the vibrator was able to disguise itself as a massage aid, women never had to publicly acknowledge its association with masturbation.However, when “massagers” started turning up in Thirties porn films, it became increasingly difficult to pass them off as innocent health aids. Branded as immoral, the vibrator virtually disappeared until 1952 when the American Medical Association declared that hysteria was not an ailment. Vibrators gradually re-emerged as a sex toy during the Sixties. However despite the arrival of the Pill and the miniskirt, women remained reticent about masturbation and the majority wouldn’t be seen dead in a sex shop, so there was no real female market for vibrators. Instead, they were bought as daring gifts for wives or lovers. But because men had a distorted idea of what women wanted from a sex toy, for the next 20 years the market was dominated by gigantic throbbing flesh-pink phalluses.

By the mid-Nineties, the internet offered women the opportunity to browse and to buy sex toys anonymously, and the market exploded. When Ann Summers went online in 1999, the company sold one million vibrators in the UK in 12 months. Sex toy designers stopped trying to imitate every man’s fantasy penis and began to consider the specific requirements of the female genitals. And they came up with . . . rabbit ears. Well, rabbit ears attached to a penis, to be specific. It was a stretch of the imagination, but it worked, and since then we’ve had Rampant Rabbits, Rabbit Pearls, Cyber Bunnies, Jack Rabbits.

So last month, when a PR sent me yet another freebie sex toy, I wasn’t expecting to be surprised, I was expecting to have to build a warren.But I was surprised. When I opened the package, out popped a couple of decapitated Smurfs and something that looked like a hand-held kitchen whisk. It turned out to be the Hitachi Magic Wand (LoveHoney.co.uk, £74.99), a mains-operated massaging vibrator, and the two fantastically remedial looking blue rubber covers were the bits that made it a sex toy. I instantly took a liking to the innocuous appearance and I found it reassuring to read that the attachments were designed by a certified sex therapist and are made from a medical-grade, seamless, non-toxic material that won’t harbour germs or bacteria. I was also interested to learn that although the Hitachi Magic wand is new to the UK, it has been a bestseller in the US for ages. It is government-patented and described as the Cadillac of vibrators by Good Vibrations, America’s most influential sex toy retailers.

It makes a lot of sense — for women. Since the mid-Fifties the sex toy market has been dominated by a male interpretation of what constitutes “sexy”, but while giant dildos and handcuffs can be great fun with a partner, when it comes to solo pleasure, the majority of women are much more likely to choose a well made therapeutic device that does exactly what it promises on the label. For the average woman, the magic wand ticks all the right boxes in that sense, but to succeed in the UK it needs to be sold in a nice, respectable, “unsexy” environment such as Boots, where the emphasis on health and wellbeing is specifically designed to make women feel comfortable. Unfortunately, fears about customer reactions mean that the high street chain is shying away from recent plans to sell sex toys.

Positioning discreet, well-designed vibrators (such as the Pink Tulip, Tabooboo, £29.99; its egg-shaped head provides G-spot stimulation) in a mainstream chemist would finally divorce the vibrator from its controversial origins and encourage the 58.3 per cent of women who never masturbate to view self-dating in a less shameful light. Now surely that would be a more valuable contribution to female wellbeing than scented soap and bunny ears?

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

THE HITACHI MAGIC WAND PLEASURE PACK, £74.99, www.LoveHoney.co.uk
The wand has two speed settings: powerful and wear ski pants. The gentler setting was more successful, but I think the wand works best without attachments. Massage your neck, shoulders, lower back and pelvic region and it is difficult not to feel relaxed. And stimulated.

G-SWIRL VIBE-BLUE, £35, Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium, 020-7613 5458 www.sh-womenstore.com
This toy was designed by the staff at Good Vibrations, America’s most influential sex toy retailers, so you just know it is going to be good. Durable, quiet and easy to control, it feels friendly and solid in your hand. It has a G-spot bend at the top and the sculpted ridges along the stem make for a more interesting sensation.

TABOOBOO RABBIT, £34.99, Tabooboo, Selfridges www.tabooboo.com, or 020-8962 6252
The packaging alone puts everyone else to shame. Having tested three other rabbit vibrators from mainstream outlets, the Tabooboo model won ears down. Made of softer silicone, it was easier to manipulate manually. It also has separate clitoral controls and because it has a slimmer shaft it is easier to feel the benefits of the shaft rotations.

TABOOBOO LIPSTICK VIBRATOR, £24.99 (as before)
The perfect stocking filler. This itsy-bitsy secret lipstick vibrator is packaged in a plush compact case with a naughty mirror so that you can apply it accurately. It’s not very powerful, but it’s portable.

MANTRIC WRIST ROCKET, £15, Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium (as before)
A tiny two-speed ridged vibrator with a steel tip for external stimulation. The wrist rocket can be used internally too, but hang on to that wrist strap. It doesn’t have a flared base and if it disappears you’ll spend Christmas in A & E.