What do you mean by normal? Sado-masochism is one of the more common paraphilias. A paraphilia is the name given to unusual forms of sexual behaviour and to that extent you are part of a minority group, but not a small one. Paraphilia is by definition characterised by an interest in sexual activities that induce arousal and a physical response, but are not part of the usual sexual pattern of behaviour in the society in which someone lives.
If your liking for S&M interferes with your capacity to enjoy the more common intimacies of sex and not to be fully aroused without it, it then becomes considered abnormal. Equally, it is unreasonable to assume that your partner shares your predilections and to expect her to cater for your tastes if she is enduring, rather than enjoying, the role that you have cast her in.
From your description of your sex life it would seem that you are masochistic rather than sadistic. Often there is an element of both in the sexual desires of people who have these tendencies. It is unusual for a sadomasochistic man to be predominantly interested in receiving pain, or perhaps you haven’t told us the whole story. Most masochists subconsciously want to return to the subservient, passive role of childhood. When someone was a child other people were in command and they didn’t have to take any responsibility for their actions. Now when you have sex your girlfriend is in command and subconsciously you feel that, because of this, she assumes the blame for any guilt your feelings engender.
You can enjoy your illicit thoughts and loss of control, and attribute it all to someone else. As discipline is only a small part of being a child, so, in the adult masochist sex life, receiving pain is usually only a small part of the sexual activity. More important to most masochists is being overwhelmed, bossed about and being made to feel generally subservient and unimportant.
Historically, sadomasochistic women are more likely to be predominantly masochistic than men. This may reflect their past role in society, their different hormonal balance or because they are traditionally penetrated, rather than penetrate. They tend to take the passive role and may discover that some form of physical domination is essential before they can be fully aroused.
Freud believed that some degree of sadomasochism was to be found in most men and women — when does a pat become a smack, or a smack a blow? Most people pat their loved ones rather as if they were both still in the playground or had parent-child roles, but would be surprised to be belaboured, whatever their sex.
It may be of clinical importance that your masochistic desires, which have remained dormant until you were 50, have suddenly become awakened. Possibly your potency is beginning to wane and you need greater stimulation, but it could be because you are depressed and, therefore, have a heightened sense of guilt. A depressed person may want his or her sex life to have a large element of humiliation and punishment so that guilt may be removed and self-esteem restored.
What are you going to do about it? It depends entirely on what your girlfriend will find acceptable. It sounds as if at the moment your desires are a turn-off for her. Indulging in sadism is unusual in women, although some amount of role-swapping is normal. Make it a strict rule to stop whatever activities you are indulging in once one partner feels that it has gone far enough. It would be unwise, as well as unfair, to put emotional pressure on your partner to co-operate if she is unwilling, as she might leave you.
Sexual conventions vary so widely from culture to culture that what is weird in one is unremarkable in another. In Brazil, for example, anal intercourse is an accepted method of preserving virginity. In Nepal oral sex is unthinkable. In India homosexuality is not legal.
Sexual practices vary from one couple to another, too. For some people plain old penetration on a Saturday night is the highlight of the week. Others need bondage, beating and blindfolds on a daily basis. The range and scope of what we believe to constitute acceptable or unacceptable sexual behaviour is governed by a complex mix of biology, religion, ethnicity, family background and social influences.
As we get older most of us then further determine our individual sexual boundaries through a process of trial, error and elimination. Variables such as frequency, duration, pace, position, location and whether or not we like to have a cigarette afterwards tend to adjust with each relationship, but most of us eventually find partners who share our sexual parameters.
Although relationships can accommodate vastly differing personalities and interests, we tend to feel more comfortable with partners who have similar sexual preferences and, to be honest, most people have a pretty clear idea of what those likes and dislikes are well before they get to 50.
As it is unusual, if not somewhat unbelievable, for someone to reach your age and suddenly to discover a full-blown sadomasochism fetish, I suspect that you may have harboured these desires for a long time and have only recently found the means or the confidence to express them. There is nothing wrong with that. We are lucky enough to live in a liberal society where pretty much any kind of sex is tolerated as long as it takes place between two consenting adults and no one is harmed or put in any danger. In this context, your penchant for pain is an unremarkable personal preference.
However, in the context of your relationship, it is slightly more problematic. Even though your girlfriend is not being subjected to any kind of physical pain, you are asking her to engage in sexual activities that make her feel anxious. At best these feelings will undermine her ability to engage in joyful intimacy with you. At worst she may come to believe that your “constant demands” are a condition for sex, in which case you will have set up an abuse of sorts.
Since your letter suggests that it was not your girlfriend who introduced you to S&M, and she is clearly uncomfortable about your need to engage in it, if you want to sustain your relationship with her you need to make this aspect of your sexuality less threatening for her.
There is no point in telling her how great it feels for you. You need to first understand how weird it feels for her. Like Marmite and colonic irrigation, S&M is an acquired taste and your girlfriend clearly doesn’t relish your enthusiasm for it, so continually making demands of her will only turn her off even more.
You’ve made your point, repeatedly, but what she really wants is reassurance. She needs to feel confident that she is more important to you than S&M and, most importantly, she needs to feel that saying no is an option that won’t jeopardise her relationship with you. If she senses that she doesn’t have a choice in this, and that sex is essentially about facilitating your fetish, then the relationship is bankrupt and if she has an ounce of sense she will get out of it. Which may of course be the best option for you, because it will allow you to find a more compatible sexual partner.
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
