Many of my patients have suffered from this problem. I remember one telling me that she counted it among the reasons why a long association she had had with a man never ended in marriage. Any or all of the senses can stimulate sexual attraction. That appearance and touch matter is obvious, smell (everyone smells differently) is known by biologists to be a crucial ingredient to sexual attraction and so is the sound of a partner’s voice.

Your problem is rather different. It’s not the sound of his voice, it’s what he’s saying. As my former patient said, her ex-partner’s demands would sound absurd if overheard by a stranger and they certainly made her feel silly. The man wanted the same obscenities to be repeated night after night, preferably in context but without any of the essential trigger words left out. My patient, so as to not to disappoint him, made a list of words and kept it hidden in the bedroom. Before she went to bed she would read through the list and remind herself of the key words. It was rather as if she was a schoolchild having a last glance at a poem that she had learnt for prep just before the class started. The lack of emotional content in her utterances devalued the sexual union, and left her feeling estranged and neglected.

It is interesting that among the standard eight paraphilias — the forms of sexual behaviour that are considered by doctors to be abnormal, and which are listed in the psychiatrist’s manual — “talking dirty” doesn’t receive a mention. However, there is a ninth catch-all category in the psychiatrist’s list “paraphilia not otherwise specified”. If the behaviour you describe is essential to your partner’s ability to achieve sexual satisfaction it could be included under this heading. The distinction always has to be made between a sexual habit that both partners may feel adds spice to the occasion and one that is essential to one of them.

Remember that the crucial feature of sexual play is that both should enjoy it. Many, if not most, people are enthused by some degree of erotic talk, but after talking to many patients about this form of sex play it seems that once talk becomes juvenile, scatological, or kinky most people are turned off. Their toleration is increased if the expletives are diluted by expressions of affection and love. There is always the suggestion, enhanced by pornographic material, that explicit repetitive dirty talk is one of the trademarks of commercial sex.

A possible explanation for some men’s desire could be that it is a manifestation of the old conflict between Madonna and whore. It may also be an expression of someone’s desire not to become emotionally committed through sex. It may help them to divorce sex from its role as an outward expression of inner love. And I can easily understand that you don’t want to play the role of a porn star every night.

How good is your relationship away from the bedroom? If excellent, I would initially try distraction. Find some variation to your well-practised routine that suits you both. At 40, you will understand that the lustful stage of love passes and you will need to decide whether this affair is likely to become long-term. If you think it may, and distraction hasn’t worked, try talking to him. Remember that this has to be done without implying criticism, blame, or with any jokes at his expense. Men’s egos are fragile so far as sexual performance is concerned.

There is a strong argument to be made for men being forced to take an exam in creative discourse before they’re allowed to “talk dirty” because most male attempts at verbal arousal leave women wanting to stuff a sock in their mouth. Maybe it is because men are not as narrative-orientated as women.

According to the National Literacy Trust, boys perform worse than girls in all literacyrelated tasks and tests, and most women would agree that this is a discrepancy that never really resolves itself. Although men don’t appear to have much of an affinity with words, research (and, let’s face it, personal experience) shows that they respond well to images.

Edward O. Laumann, in the US’s biggest sex survey (Sex, Love and Health in America, 2000), reported that men are four times more likely to look at sexually explicit material than women and they don’t like to waste time with text, preferring pictures that leave little to the imagination. Needless to say, this does nothing to improve their erotic idiom. The standard sexual script of group fantasies, or threat of intent, are usually lifted from the porn mag they ’ve just been reading and, for women, it’s as exciting as shopping with toddlers in tow.

Talking dirty works only if it is seductive, if it drags a woman into a relevant erotic script and makes her feel that she is colluding in a fantasy with a partner who has managed to decode her hidden desires. No, I’ve never met a man who could do that either, but for those who want to learn, it’s the difference between: “I’m taking off your stockings because I realise I’ve been much too lenient with you, my little vixen”; and “I’m going to strip you naked and f*** you”. Both statements essentially say the same thing but one entices while the other offends (that’s the second one, guys). Unfortunately, few men seem able to intuit this subtle distinction. Although lots of women hate it when their man breaks out in X-rated vocabulary, they can’t bring themselves to say anything to him at the time. Instead of whispering “Shhh” or sticking their tongue in his mouth they let their poor unsuspecting partner hang himself, oblivious that every word he utters tightens the noose.

Ironically, this is just old-fashioned female insecurity. Women worry that if they express their distaste they’ll come across as uptight or prudish, so they bite their lips. Which is absurd, really, because men are not as judgmental as women and most guys would be grateful to be told that the script they have been delivering for years has been going down like a lead balloon.

The other aspect that women find frightening is the thought of having the tables turned on them. If they criticise their partners’ verbal talents they risk being asked to put their money where their mouth is, and they fear that they wouldn’t be any better at it. It creates a classic sexual impasse: he doesn’t know what she wants so he presses on and hopes for the best; she doesn’t know how to express what it is that she wants so she says nothing and lies back thinking of England.

Fortunately, it is a quandary that can be rectified by anyone with a good grasp of the two big C words, communication and co-operation. If you want the French singer Serge Gainsbourg tickling your fancy not the porn movie star Ron Jeremy taking you prisoner, it’s up to you to say so. Or, stuff a sock in your own mouth. He’ll get the message, eventually.

OVER TO YOU

Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.