Your letter poses two questions. Perhaps the more important is your wife’s inability to reach orgasm through penetrative sex. This is not at all uncommon. Changes to your mutual love-making, in particular to foreplay, might alter this. It may be that with time, increased relaxation and the normal changes in libido that are associated with ageing in women, this will solve itself spontaneously. Many women never achieve an orgasm through penetrative sex alone but are satisfied, as your wife is, with their sex life. Conversely others, a smaller proportion, can only reach a climax in this way.
The other aspect of your sex life that you have focused on is that, although your wife apparently happily enjoys oral sex with you when she is the active partner, she doesn’t derive any pleasure from being passive. This is not uncommon. A woman who is anxious about sex may have all her anxieties and inhibitions exposed. Hang-ups, whether inherited or acquired in childhood, are brought to the surface when a man wants her to be the passive partner. She couldn’t feel more naked and exposed when she has to make herself vulnerable to the man’s gaze and touch and gives him full sight of her normally hidden areas, and exposes him to her intimate smells — people are self-conscious enough about the smell from less intimate areas. Women are also sensitive about the appearance of their vulvas.
Many have asked my opinion about what to me has seemed perfectly normal genitalia — several have even asked for plastic surgery to correct what they perceive as its peculiarities.
A study involving young Americans a few years ago showed that in only about 50 per cent of partnerships was oral sex enjoyed equally by both partners, and both played the active and passive roles. Some 71 per cent of women were, and enjoyed being, a regular passive partner for oral sex, whereas only 64 per cent of men, for whatever reason, regularly experienced passive sex. It is therefore more common for women to be prepared to be the passive than the active partner.
Your wife therefore is only slightly unusual in that she prefers to be the active partner performing fellatio, rather than receiving cunnilingus. I suspect that if the same survey had been carried out in the UK the figures would have been lower.
Oral sex is not universal in relationships and was considered very venturesome, even risqué, in the UK until after the Second World War. The same American survey shows that, whereas in the past oral sex was considered more common than it is in the UK, there are still women who don’t like handling a penis. This reluctance is not necessarily motivated by the same considerations as those that lead to a dislike, even revulsion, of the sight of a penis.
Given the wide variation in sexual practices and expectation from them, your wife may well think that your sex life is fine and certainly that her marriage is sound. Never forget that if there is any practice that one or other partner really dislikes it should be avoided. In the greater scheme of married life it must be comparatively trivial.
If you both want to continue with oral sex remember to have a bath first — a clean body is essential in the turn-on stakes. And either dim the lights right down, or use candles for a soft romantic glow.
Clearly not; but don’t despair because there is lots to be positive about here. Although your wife is obviously a little inhibited, the fact that she has been honest about her inability to orgasm penetratively shows that the lines of communication between you are open, and that’s hugely important because many women are too scared to admit that they have difficulty climaxing.
Your wife wants you to enjoy sex and you care enough about her sexual satisfaction to seek help from a national newspaper, so you are willing to put yourselves out to give each other pleasure. That’s another relationship plus.
So, let’s sort this out. First, your wife should not worry about being unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Most women find it difficult because — and what I am going to tell you now seems to be one of the best kept secrets in the universe — the lining of the vagina is only fractionally more sensitive than dental enamel. In what has to be one of evolution’s most spectacular design flaws for sexual arousal, the real female pleasure zone is located not inside, but outside, the vagina.
The clitoris, a tiny nodule of tissue tucked under the top of the labia, measures just 2mm to 6mm (less than ¼in), however its structure extends internally for a further 10cm (4in), which makes it roughly the same size as a flaccid penis. It is the only organ in the human body dedicated solely to the provision of sexual pleasure and contains an electrifying 8,000 nerve endings (the penis contains only 6,000).
Bearing this in mind, although it is possible for a woman to have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, it is a bit like trying to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. You can do it, eventually, but it’s a hell of a lot easier if you just strike the match that is sitting in front of you.
You don’t mention whether your wife can masturbate herself to orgasm but I assume that she can and that her problem is bridging the gap between what she does to herself and what happens between you when you have sex. It is a common enough problem and one that would occur far less frequently if women were more vocal about the issue; but that’s another story.
To overcome her inhibitions the first thing she needs to do is show you what she does when she masturbates. She may feel very shy about this and need quite a lot of coaxing but be patient, turn off the lights, say nothing and just watch. This should give you an idea of how much time it takes for her to become aroused enough to reach the point of no return. Don’t rush things and avoid vibrators, as it is better to learn how to build her arousal naturally.
Wait until she is confident about her ability to climax in front of you before having a go yourself. Begin by imitating what she does to herself and ask her to let you know how she is feeling. At first she may need to take over to get to orgasm but, in time, you’ll be able to do it and you will also be able to vary the techniques you use.
When stimulating her manually becomes a consistently effective way of bringing her to orgasm, she will be more amenable to the idea of oral sex. It may take a while for her to translate the new set of sensations into sexual arousal but you will have built up so much mutual trust during the previous exercises that I doubt she will tense up. In fact, I’d advise you to make yourself comfortable because most women rate cunnilingus as their favourite sexual experience.
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
