Even as talented an actress as my friend Fiona had trouble concealing her doubts when we arrived. As we pulled up at our weekend break destination in Dorset the first thing she said was: “Stefanie, it smells of sewage.” Then she saw the shamanic workshop leaflets stacked helpfully in the foyer and the healing crystals glittering on the window sills and tugged fretfully at my sleeve: “They’re all going to be weirdos,” she whimpered into my ear.
I reminded her that this is The Latest Thing: bed-and-breakfast spas in cosy surroundings, with modest prices, in Arcadian settings.
Nonetheless, she has envisaged a place — in the middle of nowhere — where guests spend their days being harangued by faddy, teetotal therapists for having greedily succumbed to the full English breakfast served by their hosts. She sulked all the way along the A30.
Indeed, at first Middle Piccadilly reminded me of the women-only pond in Hampstead Heath where talking, laughing, splashing, even sticking your head under water, is implicitly banned by stern regulars in their rubber caps. When we arrived just past seven in the evening we were first ignored for a couple of minutes then led to the worst two rooms in the place — grey little dwellings that smelled of damp. There we filled out a questionnaire concerning our mental and physical wellbeing (is it me or is it impossible to sum up the nature of your relationship with your parents in one line?) and told to expect dinner in 20 minutes.
When the time came — signalled by a windchime — we found ourselves at a table alongside two women who had booked themselves in for the week. Polite conversation over moussaka established that both were in remission from cancer. Neither was a weirdo.
We simmered down after that, chastened, and also pacified by our packed schedule, which included La Stone massages and clay wraps. Middle Piccadilly has all the credentials of a B&B but happens also to be a natural-healing centre. Its treatments range from one-on-one yoga lessons to shamanic healing and it is the ideal place for a sceptic to decide what she thinks about alternative therapies.
Fiona and I each had — in this order — a La Stone massage, a mud bath, a clay wrap and an acupressure session. They were all excellent. Eliana, the owner and a talented therapist in her seventies, correctly diagnosed from our pulses the kind of thing that one is usually far too self-conscious to acknowledge, let alone put into print. An injury to my intercostal muscle was also immediately detected.
Judging by the guest book, a stay at Middle Piccadilly can be a profound experience although one that takes place in careworn surroundings. With some investment — a pool, new wallpaper, a nicer bathroom — this place could be more of a haven than it currently is. But it does the job. There was some talk about spiritual paths that went over my head but driving back to London I felt so serene I almost crashed the car and wouldn’ t have cared less.
Before Dorset, I pitched up at another bed and breakfast, this time in Somerset and with another friend (male). This one was called Pennard Hill Farm, a converted farmhouse estate which had been done up by a talented stay-at-home wife after her husband left her for his secretary. Whoever this woman was — she sold up to the conscientious new owners Phil and Rosie Bailey over a year ago — must have poured her whole eccentric soul into the place because there isn’t a room which doesn’t bear the hallmarks of her innovative taste and exuberance: antlers protrude from the walls and every room is decked out with trinkets sourced lovingly from around the world.
Outside, where guests are encouraged to take breakfast on sunny mornings, is an exquisite garden where dog roses, artichoke plants and catmint thrive in wild harmony. For the children — it’s worthwhile dragging them along considering the minuscule surcharge — the Baileys have introduced a cast of friendly animals with upwardly mobile names, such as Hugo the black l abrador, Crispin the horse, and so on.
The crucial thing to remember about any B&B is not to bother unless you can get a good room, preferably the best. Happily, Rosie and Phil put us in the Hay Barn, a two-storied conversion decked out in such good taste that my friend and I imagined we’d come to live on Ralph Lauren’s Somerset retreat for two days.
Pennard Hill looks out on to Glastonbury and we were told that the odd pop star comes here to recuperate from their excesses on stage. Half of Groove Armada stayed here with his parents — very rock ’n’ roll — and another famous singer had had his wedding in Phil and Rosie’s living room.
The best thing about the Hay Barn is the heated indoor pool that is annexed to it. Nobody actually tells you and your lover to go swimming at midnight with no clothes on but that’s what it’s quite clearly there for. The adjoining shower is built into a reclaimed confession box. Couples who choose not to bring their children may find themselves slinking sheepishly out of bed the next day far too late for breakfast.
Any “spa” activity — choose from acupuncture, manicure or massage — needs to be booked in advance and, though satisfactory, it never quite delivered the blissful highs I’d experienced at Middle Piccadilly. It is, however, the perfect recuperative break but only for couples. It would have been a bit lonely to come here solo and besides the option of either massage or reflexology, there’s not that much on offer.
I must say I enjoyed both Pennard Hill and Middle Piccadilly more than the faceless spas I’ve previously visited — I’m talking Champneys here, where the teenage therapists in their silly white smocks made me feel like a rat in formaldehyde about to be dissected in a GCSE biology lesson.
Would we have chosen the cheapo option over an exotic Thai resort? Of course not. But would we have emerged any more chilled out from our treatments? I think not.
NEED TO KNOW
Middle Piccadilly Natural Healing Centre, Holwell, Nr Sherbourne, Dorset, 01963 23468; info@middlepiccadilly.com. Cost: £241.58 pp for two nights’ full board, a La Stone treatment and spa session.
Pennard Hill Farm, Stickleball Lane, East Pennard, Shepton Mallet, Somerset, 01749 890221, pennardhillfarm.co.uk. Cost: from £50 pp a night, B&B; treatments, from £20.
