The good news is that you are living with the man of your dreams. This is more important than the quality, or even the presence, of an orgasm.
Alfred Kinsey, he of the report fame, is once again fashionable and his opinions have undergone a revival. In his teaching he repeatedly stressed that having an orgasm is not the only criterion for determining the quality of the satisfaction that a woman derives from sexual activity. Women are able to gain great pleasure from sexual arousal that never proceeds beyond the plateau stage of sexual response. Conversely, most men tend to judge their sex life by the quality and frequency of the orgasms that it provides.
Women naturally feel disappointed if they don’t share an orgasm with their partner and can achieve one only by themselves or with a vibrator. Furthermore, if their partner is also disappointed — for most men find it stimulating if the woman they are with is clearly aroused — their sense of failure is compounded. Many, if not most women, however, do not achieve an orgasm every time with their partner, and a reasonable proportion never do. Although most will do so later, with manual stimulation or a vibrator. Kinsey described the number of women to whom the latter applied as a “goodly proportion”.
The number of years you have been with your partner is highly significant. Women become more sexually adept as they grow older and as they know their partner better. Kinsey says that in their first year of a partnership, 40 per cent of women haven’t had an orgasm during intercourse (they may afterwards); by the fifth year the figure has dropped to 30 per cent; and by the 20th year there were only 15 per cent who hadn ’t, although by this time many partnerships are virtually sex-free.
Women’s definition of an orgasm may be different from the one in the physiological textbook. Many women have such a subdued response — a squib rather than a rocket — that, although physiologically it could be described as an orgasm, they discount it.
When the psychoanalytical theories of sexual response reigned supreme, the women who failed to have orgasms during intercourse were divided into three groups. The first type were described as unassertive and anxious to please, so that they became concerned only with the man’s responses — the tensions this caused obliterated their own reactions. The second group was thought to have deep psychological hang-ups about sex and human biology generally — implanted in their early life, possibly by home, school or outside puritanical influences. The third group was thought to have no interest in sex, or perhaps were latently homosexual.
Forget the psychology, it is only conjecture. The good news, you say, is that you can achieve orgasms by yourself. You must now tactfully, amusingly but uninhibitedly teach your partner what pleases you mentally and physically, and how you like to be aroused before, during and after intercourse.
Remember that although for some men sex may start with penetration, a woman’s response is dependent on the pre-penetrative stage of lovemaking, the chatting, touching, petting and other aspects of foreplay that precede genital contact, let alone penetration.
You are not alone. Statistics from what is generally considered to be the most comprehensive survey of adult sexual practices, The Social Organisation of Sexuality (by Laumann, Gagnon, Michael and Michaels, US, 1994), indicate that while 75 per cent of men always have an orgasm during intercourse, only 28.6 per cent of women do. That’s a depressingly large discrepancy for an act that constitutes “sex ” for the majority of people.
So why does the most prevalent sexual practice in the world consistently fail to deliver orgasm for half the population? The problem begins with a lack of education: adolescents are taught about biology, contraception and protection, but there is silence when it comes to sexual pleasure. Young men become aroused more easily and obviously, and so tend to get to grips with things earlier, but young women have a more difficult relationship with their arousal.
The survey also showed that, inevitably, the 58.3 per cent of women who never masturbate find orgasm elusive, but even those who can make themselves climax may struggle with the sensation gap between what they do to themselves and what someone else does with them during sex. Lack of communication compounds the problem.
Many women labour under the misapprehension that penetration naturally culminates in climax and that if they don’t achieve orgasm during sex feel they are failing. And, of course, the more anxious they get, the less likely it is to happen. If women realised how common this predicament is they might stop blaming themselves and start questioning the kind of sex that they are having. Orgasm isn ’t rocket science, but it requires self-knowledge — a woman has to be able to identify, communicate and, if necessary, be assertive about her sexual requirements.
Women take a lot longer to become aroused than men and this needs to be taken into account during foreplay, but often men set the sexual pace and women are left to play catch- up. Of the small percentage of women who reach orgasm through penetration, most do so as a result of a build-up of vulval and clitoral stimulation before intercourse.
So, before sex your partner should rub, lick, stroke, tickle, massage, caress and knead your labia, clitoris, the mouth of your vagina, your nipples, breasts and any other sensitive parts of your body. He could also try massaging your G-spot, a sensitive area about 5cm (2in) into the vaginal passage, on the front wall.
He should then choose a position that combines internal stimulation with further clitoral friction, such as the coital alignment technique, a revised missionary position, devised by the American psychotherapist Edward Eichel, which involves rocking rather than thrusting. Your partner positions himself on top so that so his pelvis is higher than yours. The head of his penis is inside you but the shaft is outside pressing against your pubic bone. He rests his full weight on you and you wrap your legs around him, resting your ankles on his calves. For the upward stroke you push up, but he continues to press against you so his penis disappears into your vagina. During the downward stroke, he forces your pelvis back down and you rub your clitoris against the base of his penis as it reappears.
Rock upwards and downwards like this, in and out, in and out, in and out, in aaaaah . . .
OVER TO YOU
Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.
