A: Have you seen him since you had your drunken orgy? If you have met your ugly man for a second time in less exciting but more sober surroundings, you may have found that there are one or two interesting features about him or his life. When you do see him again try concentrating on something of interest about him other than his sexual prowess.

There is always a debate about love at first sight. Strong mutual attraction can strike suddenly. Most people would agree that when this happens the only explanation for the initial attraction must have a physical base. This shouldn’t be interpreted too narrowly. The source of this attraction may not only be someone’s sex appeal. Their looks will also give a good indication if he is athlete or an aesthete, academic or practical, outgoing or introverted, as well as hints as to his educational, financial and social background. A subconscious appraisal of these factors contributes to what is called love at first sight.

A potential partner’s response to early conversational leads is important. If this goes well, it suggests that there is a mass of shared interests to be explored. Unfortunately, your first meeting is unlikely to have been comprehensive enough to uncover the true nature of your feelings and whether a lasting union is probable, possible, or impossible. Drunken romps are rarely interspersed with snatches of conversation of the type that reveal a shared interest in, for instance, Roman architecture.

The start of your relationship has been too earthy. A few dates would help to create the type of bonds that would make your new friend’s looks unimportant. Find out what makes him tick and explore his interests and temperament. A recent Times poll on relationships showed that although women, as well as men, enjoy being the object of envy and admiration of friends when accompanied by a good-looking partner, looks are less important to women than to men.

When it comes to establishing a lasting relationship, even at the lustful initial stage, research suggests that this is likely to be based on common interests. An attraction of opposites doesn’t usually last. The Times survey was, therefore, unexpected in showing that in this group of people questioned both women and men had suggested that they thought the important qualities necessary for a lasting relationship were trust, faithfulness and honesty. Only 5 per cent reckoned that mutual interests were of prime importance. The problem with this question was that it didn’t investigate what prompted the feelings of trust, honesty and faithfulness. There is other evidence that these are the emotions that help someone to feel at ease with a partner and it is the ability to feel at ease that flourishes once people have the same interests.

What you, therefore, need to aim for with your new man is to feel at ease with him. Once you’ve found common interests, looks won’t matter.

A: Well, a couple of bottles of chardonnay would do the trick but you’d be staring at the same problem in the morning. With a hangover. You’d be faced with the harsh realities of broken capillaries, enlarged pores, pale rolls of flesh and rank breath, and when you were finished looking in the mirror you’d still have to deal with the ugly guy. Cold turkey.

Though beauty is in the eye of the beholder and looks shouldn’t count, we all know that’s rubbish. Looks count so much that society actively discriminates against people who don’t conform to certain aesthetic standards and because the media manipulates the beauty gauge so that it automatically excludes 90 per cent of the population, the men and women who struggle with issues such as obesity, baldness, acne or disability are at an immediate disadvantage.

From childhood onwards, the beautiful get a better deal. Doors open for them. A study by economists at the National Bureau of Economic Research in Massachusetts shows that good-looking people earn close to 6 per cent more than average-looking individuals. Although good looks don’t ensure success, they lubricate the mechanism by which it’s achieved. Robin Cook, one of the brightest sparks in the Labour Party, was, so it is said, never considered as leader because of his appearance, whereas Blair with his winning smile was destined to be head boy.

Because we are all self-conscious and want the person we have a relationship with to reflect well on us, when it comes to dating we have a tendency to judge the content by the package. It’s a shallow and short-sighted approach to choosing a partner because beauty fades but personality and character remain.

Since you obviously have a good sexual connection with this nice man, and you like him as a person, accept that “not fancying him” is to do with aesthetic prejudice and concern about what other people would think of you, then work out what is, or at least should be, more important to you. His nice or his ugly?

Since 90 per cent of pretty boys wouldn’t score “very nice and good in bed” I think you should give this guy another chance. Arrange to meet him again. Sober. Ignore the Hawaiian shirt and tweed jacket combo (sorting out a man’s wardrobe is easy), try not to put a bag over his head if you bump into a friend.

If you can get over your own issues with him and relax and engage with him you will probably find that, unlike the Jude Laws you’ve dated, Danny DeVito is a really good listener/makes you laugh/has an enormous capacity for empathy and best of all, thinks that you are brilliant.

Enjoying his company doesn’t mean you have to rush into dating him but you may find yourself looking forward to his calls or e-mails. Eventually you’ll introduce him to your friends and although they’ll think he’s no oil painting at first, when they get to know him and realise how damn nice he is, some of them might find him attractive. The realisation that other women can see beyond his appearance will help you to understand that though looks count, they don’t have to matter.

OVER TO YOU

Do you have a sexual dilemma for Suzi Godson and Dr Thomas Stuttaford? Send your e-mails to body&soul@thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. The authors regret that, although your letters are much appreciated, they cannot respond personally.