Are spats and tiffs a staple of all relationships? Some couples flourish on little else; others see quarrels as the most intermittent of interludes. But what role

does fighting really have? Feuding couples have always proved fascinating, from Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor to the notorious “on-offs” of Jude Law and Sienna Miller and Pamela Anderson and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee.

What makes them get back together? Is it the fact that they’ve resolved their differences, or is it the very experience of these differences that makes the bond so strong? Many relationships thrive on quarrelling because a

fight involves an authentic recognition. Gone are the niceties of everyday chit-chat — the day at the office, the weather — and in their place is the raw reality of another human being’s discontent. All of us want to have our existence registered, and a quarrel is a privileged way to do this. It forces the other person to open their ears and their eyes.

That’s why avoiding a quarrel can be a very high-risk activity. Blocking the possibility of someone being heard and recognised will only increase their fury. And as couples start, after a time, to take each other for granted, they have to fight to remind each other that they exist.

Gender adds a nuance here. A woman might seek an argument to remind her partner that she exists, but men so often try to avoid quarrels. Is this because men don’t really want to know much about their own existence? This might explain their penchant for mind- numbing activities, such as computer games, which allow them to forget themselves.

For those couples for whom feuding is a way of life, conflict serves a further purpose. The storms that the couple endure can amaze everyone around them. But what matters is often less the storm than the calm that comes after it. The argument serves as a prelude to the affection. And in many cases, this affection can only come after the quarrel. Perhaps this is why sex after fighting is so common.

What could account for this odd emotional rhythm? Could it be that rage requires ventilation before the release of tenderness? But the calm after the storm has a special value: it’s like returning to a point of stability that we can experience only because of the turbulence.

Family and friends may not believe that someone stays in a relationship marked by interminable feuding, yet breaking up to make up has its logic. And don’t we always need the threat of loss to appreciate what we have?

Darian Leader is a psychoanalyst and author