Do you have a child called Moonbeam? Are you one of those New Age, long-skirted, beardy types who won’t leave the house in the morning without consulting Mystic Meg? If so, then I might have just the thing for you, a wholly out-of-this-world new spa programme, which has just been launched at the One & Only Kanuhura resort, in the Maldives.

The beauty experts there have collaborated with a leading UK astrologer to devise a series of 12 health and beauty programmes, which are specially designed to suit your sign of the zodiac, no less.

This new Thari programme (Thari is the local word for star or planet) offers a “clever shortcut to the body’s inner needs”, according to their crystal-ball-gazer. It apparently “unlocks the power of each star sign to help guests to de-stress, unwind and relax” and yields “the ultimate bespoke beauty prescription”. As you might imagine, I couldn’t resist.

An 11-hour flight and 40-minute sea plane transfer later and I’m lying on a treatment bed at Kanuhura’s Veyoge spa being subjected to a Manawa massage, identified as the perfect inaugural treatment for those, like me, who were born in late July. A Manawa is a form of ancient Polynesian back massage, which involves the vigorous use of a therapist’s elbows and forearms, as well as hands.

“So why is this good for Leos?” I ask my tiny Balinese therapist. “Leos have bad backs. They need to work on their backs. Back vulnerable area,” she ventures, digging her diminutive fingers deep into my gluteus maximus. It seemed to work, my proud leonine bearing being suitably enhanced by the end of it.

The second day, I was in a similar position, poised to experience the supposedly Leofriendly Jasmine Lulur Ritual. “And this one?” I asked my second therapist, who hailed from Thailand. “Leo, it is creative and active all time. It need to relax,” she said, applying a lush exfoliating treatment, then lightly massaging me, after which I climbed into a cleansing bath full of island flowers and fragranced with jasmine (apparently, we Leos like jasmine).

Mmm, relaxing indeed, but wouldn’t it have been just as lovely for a Capricorn or Scorpio, I began to wonder? The final treatment in my three-part programme was the Moroccan Cocoon with Rasul (Rasul being a type of mud rather than the name of a male masseur, as I had erroneously thought). Leos like luxury things, fine food and wine, I was told, so they need to “remineralise their skin”. Hence this exotic, if rather messy, treatment, which “mineralises, smoothes and moisturises”.

After four days of spoiling, in this balmy, far-flung Indian Ocean destination, I felt wonderful. The niggling suspicion, though, was that I would have been just as deliciously pampered if I had fibbed about my star sign and got the full Virgo or Taurus package. I mean, do all Leos really have bad backs? Are Aries really prone to tension headaches and are Geminis generally victims of stress-related insomnia? That could apply to anyone, surely? This Thari programme is just a bit of fun packaging and probably no more. Unless, of course, you live by these things. In which case, go now.

One & Only Kanuhura, Maldives, The Ultimate Travel Company (020-7386 4646; www.theultimatetravelcompany.co.uk)
Quality of experience Immaculate, if silent, professionalism (language is a bit of a problem with some therapists).
Ambience Asian-style serenity, all lemon grass, water lilies, and Zen-like smiles.
Food Endless tropical fruit and zinging health juices, plus spanking-fresh seafood.
In crowd Doe-eyed wedding couples, and second honeymooners, with the occasional child thrown in.
Wallet watch A seven-night stay, including flights with Sri Lankan Airlines and seaplane transfers, would cost from £2,045 per person. Spa treatments are extra, from £165 for the Sagittarius package (the cheapest) up to £240 for Cancer, as each star sign has its own signature treatments.