DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A: The first question that needs to be asked is whether your 82-year-old grandfather made any sexual advances to you, or your contemporaries, when you were a young girl. If dementia, or some other organic brain disease, hasn’t damaged the intellect and reduced inhibitions, sexual predilections don’t often change in old age. Old peoples’ declining libido usually results in sexual interest being confined to whatever they have found most stimulating throughout life. If your grandfather had paedophiliac tendencies, it is likely that these would have been obvious when you were a child, and there were other children around.
Was grandfather’s behaviour overtly sexual, and did it involve contact with genitalia or breasts? Was he merely over-familiar? If not obviously sexual, could his gestures have been no more than unwelcome evidence of affection clumsily displayed physically? Desmond Morris has produced maps of the body that show which parts may be touched in 21st-century Britain without it being indicative of any sexual intent. These parts differ according to gender, the closeness of the relationship and current taboos. The taboo against incest is so strong in most, but not all, cultures that grandfathers, uncles and brothers are more constrained in the areas they can touch than are good, but platonic, friends.
Many people of any age who display inappropriate sexual behaviour, especially at a gathering rather than in private, have a psychiatric problem. These include dementia. The fine tuning of social and sexual behaviour is often amiss in people whose cognitive faculties are not what they were 15 years earlier. It may be that your grandfather hasn’t any dementia and that his behaviour is stuck in a groove and is inappropriate because he is unaware that the untouchable areas determined by society’s taboos have changed over the past 70 years.
Many young people would be surprised if a man of 82 bestowed pats on their backs, put his arms around their shoulders, or held their elbows in a way that would have passed unnoticed 50 years ago, and might even have ben expected. Older people who have kept up to date with the current mores are now much more self-conscious about displaying any physical affection to young relatives or close friends.
Conversely, if grandfather is indeed making improper gestures at a family gathering it could be that his inhibitions have been relaxed by the effect of age on his frontal lobes. This would not be the only evidence of degenerative brain damage. It is possible that although he recognises you, and enjoys your company, when he saw you at the gathering he reacted to you instinctively and, because he is emotionally blunted and intellectually damaged, he responded to you as he would to any good-looking woman and not in the special and restrained way that a granddaughter would expect. A loss of inhibitions would be exacerbated by alcohol.
I think it unlikely that your grandfather would make sexually inappropriate advances to young children if he hadn’t shown any signs of paedophilia when younger. Even so, never take chances. If grandfather is beginning to show signs that he is losing his sense of sexual inhibition it is only fair to your children and kind to him to make certain he still has every opportunity to meet them, but that the chance for anything untoward happening is tactfully avoided.
SUZI GODSON
A: From childhood we are taught to “respect our elders” but, as your question illustrates, not all elders deserve respect. Most of us love our grandparents unconditionally and recognise that old people who are physically frail, or senile, need assistance and care. However, there is a common misapprehension in our society that old automatically means benign. It doesn’t. If your grandfather is of sound mind, his advanced age does not alleviate him from his responsibility to behave properly.
This idea is not new. Back in 400BC, Plato’s Republic describes old men complaining that “their families show no respect for their age”, but another old man then comments that lack of respect is due not to their old age but to their character. Even in Ancient Athens older people were respected for their achievements, or their good behaviour, not just for their longevity. And your grandfather’s behaviour has been questionable, to say the least.
Though there are no specific guidelines as to what constitutes an acceptable physical exchange between a grandfather and a granddaughter, anything that you would find unacceptable from one of your husband’s business colleagues, or the husband of a friend, is just as unsavoury, if not more so, when it comes from your grandfather. We are all able to overlook occasional high jinks but a senior relative who persistently acts inappropriately with you over several years really ought to be taken to task.
I don’t know what age you were when he started to “touch you up”, but this is obviously of paramount importance when it comes to your own children. I imagine you have kept your feelings to yourself in the past to avoid causing a fuss in the family but if you are genuinely concerned about the possibility that he might interfere with your children, then you certainly shouldn’t leave them alone with him and you have a responsibility to put a stop to this, even if it means making the issue public.
If your grandfather is capable of participating fully in family gatherings, then he is capable of understanding that his behaviour is both irritating and offensive. And whether he agrees with you or not is irrelevant. It is probably best to wait until the problem occurs again to raise the issue. And you should share your concerns with one or two other key members of the family beforehand so that you have some support during the inevitable backlash. Tell him that you are sick and tired of his wandering hands and that you find his behaviour highly inappropriate.
Be clear with him about what you mean. Don’t leave any room for misinterpretation, and be specific about dates, times and incidents if necessary. Like anyone in a corner, your grandfather will probably do his best to turn this back on you by laughing at you and telling you that it is harmless fun/that you are overreacting/that you are making it up, etc.
But stick to your guns. You are perfectly entitled to ask him to refrain from touching you and although you say you can handle his antics, you simply should not have to. I imagine the shock of being confronted directly will be all it takes to put a stop to his groping but if he persists, you might, as a last resort, want to consider attack as the best form of defence. The next time he “playfully” touches you at a family g athering “playfully” grab him by the balls, twist and squeeze.
