Our lives are stressful right now. We have a pub that we are trying to sell, we are looking for a new house and I am suffering from postnatal depression. I cannot cope and I feel a failure. If I were a good mother, I would be able to handle it. Even while typing this I am in tears. I don’t know where to turn, and sometimes I wish I had either not had my baby or my daughter.

I understand her behaviour, but I feel we have tried everything to help — star charts, constant praise and “I love yous”, rewards and time alone with her — and now we have reached a brick wall. We need help but don’t know where to turn. I worry that the family will suffer if we don’t resolve the problems soon.

Paula

My heart goes out to you as it is clear that you are in a dark place right now. You have written an extremely honest, brave and important letter because you have highlighted a very important issue when it comes to children with behaviour problems: what are the origins of the problem?

With so many parenting programmes on television now, each one seeming to highlight tougher and more shocking problems, there is one fundamental error that viewers are being told: that any and every child behaviour problem can be “fixed” via simple behavioural techniques. They can’t, and your family is a good illustration of this. I am sure that your daughter’s behaviour is more a reflection of how low you are and how much stress there is in the family than purely to do with you and your husband not getting your parenting techniques right.

You are depressed and suffering and are clearly in need of support. Your daughter is doing what many children of depressed mothers do — she is showing, via her behaviour, how difficult things are in the family home. Sometimes children have behaviour problems like those you describe in your daughter because they are worried about their parent and are reacting to the emotional domestic temperature. I am sure you have tried many techniques, but I suspect that this is because it has been difficult to stick consistently to one and see it through successfully.

This does not make you a failure or a bad mother — this makes you a vulnerable woman who needs support to find a way through some big difficulties at the moment. Depression is not about being a failure: it is an illness that needs treatment as much as pneumonia or diabetes. You are not a bad mother but a human being, who is struggling with a number of overwhelming and extremely stressful issues.

Talk to your doctor and get an urgent referral for your child to family services for the support you need. Show your GP your letter and this response. For additional support with your daughter’s wetting, check out ERIC (Education and Resources for Improving Childhood Continence, on 0845 3708008, www.enuresis.org.uk).

For help with financial pressures, click on www.citizensadvice.org.uk or call 0845 1264264; for support and advice about postnatal depression/illness look at www.pni.org.uk. And log on to mumsnet.com for an excellent support network of mothers, where you can chat online and will find empathy and advice from those who have been where you are now.

I urge you to get support. I also advise you to sit down and make a list of everything that you love about your little girl and then praise her hugely every time those qualities show themselves. Cuddle her as often as you can and give her the message that she isn’t all trouble and is special to you. Make time to go out on mummy-daughter dates and enjoy each other away from all the stresses — even if only for a short time. Your daughter could, paradoxically, be your salvation because her behaviour is highlighting how tough life is and could get you the support you need. Stop beating yourself up and love her — she is, and will always be, the best and most honest friend you will ever have. Let me know how you all get on.

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E-mail drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Include your name, age, address and telephone number. Dr Byron cannot enter into personal correspondence