Last week in my response to a young woman struggling after the death of her best friend, I talked about my own experience of bereavement. Your letter also brings up many of my own recollections about leaving home — I remember experiencing loneliness for the first time and it taking a while for me to feel really settled with new friends, a completely new rhythm and responsibility for my own life.

Homesickness hurts — both emotionally and physically — and shouldn’t be trivialised because it contains many real emotional states akin to bereavement (the loss of living at home, old friends) and anxiety (new social pressures, having to fit in).

I have often written about separation anxiety in young children who start nursery and for a while show distress when left in the new environment. Often their tears are exacerbated by the response of their adult carer who may show anxious ambivalence about leaving them when upset. I am not saying that you are similar to a young child — but you are experiencing separation anxiety that is very similar, and this is OK because you are going through a major life transition.

Transition times in life are often stressful. This is only compounded by a sense that you are too old to be feeling this way and should “pull yourself together”. Nonsense: leaving home is so very hard (your parents are probably feeling this as much as you are), and I think you will see this in the behaviour of your fellow students, many of whom are coping with their homesickness by drinking and partying.

Do not feel bad about feeling like this. Talk to those you trust and love. There will also be a student counsellor on your campus and I would book some sessions. Set yourself some small but achievable goals; doing this will also show you that you can master the feelings. Another technique is to set specific times to phone home and try to put a boundary around the contact so it doesn’t bleed into times when you could be developing new relationships.

Be reassured that there are many young people feeling the same way and it’s entirely normal. Transitional stress is difficult to manage at any time, but you will feel more integrated in your new environment. I wish you well.

You recently advised a mother with an aggressive four-year-old and one-year-old twins to use “time-out” — shutting the older child in her bedroom for four minutes and holding the door shut for that period. Drawing on 18 years as a childminder, I would like you to explain how the mother can be in two places at once — ie, outside a bedroom door for up to four minutes and also downstairs looking after the twins. I do not like the use of a child’s bedroom for punishment purposes and much prefer the use of a naughty chair or step. The child is removed from the scene and I can still keep my eye on the other children.
Christine Jennings, 50

This is a good question and certainly points to the fact that any “one size fits all” approach to parenting is wrong and we all have to find methods that work for us. I agree that there is an issue for parents when using “time out” when they have other smaller children.

In such cases I have found parents to be creative, adapting the technique to suit themselves — either taking the other child with them upstairs or using a downstairs room so that all children are in parental view.

However, as you point out, a naughty step or chair may be the answer — but in my experience this can lead to physical tussles and increase the likelihood of smacking. A short spell apart allows everyone time to calm down.

Finally, there is no evidence that use of a bedroom has an adverse effect on a child’s relationship with that room, in the same way that using a downstairs loo wouldn’t impact on their toileting behaviour. All it comes down to is a clear consequence for bad behaviour and huge amounts of love, praise and attention when the going is good.

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