Next weekend, Paula’s family, like many others, will meet for an Easter holiday get-together. Family members take it in turns to play host and this year Paula and David have volunteered for the first time. She is looking forward to it but is nervous. Last year the get-together was at her parents’ house and when she remembers the mayhem, her heart sinks.
The under-5s, parked in front of TV spread melting chocolate all over the sofa as well as their faces and clothes while the grown-ups lingered over their coffee. Paula’s father and brother-in-law, whose political views are diametrically opposed, had a shouting match and her mother, normally calm and gentle, lost her cool and slammed her best cut-glass fruit dish down on the table so hard that it cracked.
But it need not be like that. The secret of success is planning. Family flashpoints are not unpredictable, and, by anticipating disasters, you can take steps to avoid them.
THE GUESTS
Visitors should remember that even though they are all part of the family, they are also guests on this occasion and should show the same appreciation and good manners as they would at a friend’s house. A present of a nice bottle of wine, a plant for the garden or a bunch of flowers (even from a garage forecourt) is more welcome than yet another chocolate egg.
Kind and thoughtful relations will offer to help in the kitchen, but it doesn’t always work out the way they intend. Helpers who get in the way can drive you up the wall. The best thing a helpful guest can do is to tackle a specific task. Rather than “Can I do anything to help?” he or she should say: “I’ll lay the table” or “Shall I peel the potatoes?”
THE SIX FLASHPOINTS
The unwelcome dog Paula’s least-favourite aunt’s arrival is always heralded by her dog. As soon as the front door is opened a crack, all hell breaks loose. Last year Rex bounded into Gran’s living room, knocked down a two-year-old, terrorised a five-year-old by affectionately licking her face and chased the cat up the curtains. It was only when everyone had gone home that Gran discovered that he had also peed against a chair and thrown up behind the sofa, having consumed the toddler’s lunch and several Easter eggs, complete with gold foil.
Paula has pre-empted trouble this year with a phone call to her aunt asking if she is planning to bring Rex. The trouble is, Paula explains, that her daughter (now 6) has a phobia about dogs. If Aunt Joan can’t find someone to look after Rex, please could he stay in the car until after lunch? Then they will all go to the park, with the dog on a lead.
The chocolate overdose Grandparents, aunts and uncles, generous to a fault, arrive with huge Easter eggs for the children. The caffeine and sugar in the chocolate, combined with the excitement that a party generates, are guaranteed to inspire wild behaviour.
Once a child has taken delivery of a present, you can hardly snatch it back. The trick is to intercept it before the child sees it. Meet the donors at the door and take the eggs from them, thank them effusively and say: “How lovely. We are having an Easter egg hunt after lunch, so do you mind if we save this for later?” You may get a chance to suggest beforehand that, instead of one or two monster eggs, each guest brings a few little foil-wrapped chocolate ones to be hidden for the hunt. My grandmother used to give small presents, packaged in prettily decorated cardboard or tin eggs.
Conflict in the kitchen The last time that Paula’s brother and his family stayed the weekend, her brother offered to cook dinner. She looked forward to the fun of cooking together, the way they did as children, but by the time they finished, both tempers were frayed. He insisted on following the chosen recipe to the letter and complained that her kitchen scales were not precise enough to weigh three-quarters of an ounce of butter. She said: “Oh, I always just guess how much,” and then accused him of being pernickety. He accused her of being slapdash: “No wonder your soufflés don’t rise.” Avoid kitchen conflict by planning ahead, and don’t be too ambitious.
However proud you are of your culinary skills, it is a mistake to treat the family gathering as an opportunity to show off with complicated recipes. It’s not a competition; your family would much prefer to spend time with you in a jolly mood than wait tensely for you to emerge hot and cross from the kitchen, having cooked a complicated, perfect meal.
In many families the preparation of celebratory meals is shared, with different family members each contributing a dish: a casserole or pie ready to pop in the oven, a salad, a starter or a pud. If this is not the custom in your family, it’s probably because nobody’s thought of it.
So be the first, and ask nicely: “We always love your lemon mousse; could you make it for Sunday?”
Different attitudes to children’s food “You can’t have ice-cream until you’ve eaten your spinach” need not apply on special occasions. But parents whose children are brought up to eat what is on their plates can get upset when their rules are flouted. It makes these parents angry to see their child-rearing methods subverted by little cousins who are allowed to play with their food and leave what they don’t like.
The issue can be resolved only between parent and child. Onlookers must not interfere. Granny’s words: “Oh come on, let them, just this once,” may be meant to be conciliatory but they add fuel to the flames.
The hosts can ensure a stress-free visit, at least as far as issues about children’s food are concerned, by inquiring discreetly beforehand about likes and dislikes. In my experience: “My children will eat anything they’re given” is seldom entirely true, but most children will tuck in to chicken and tolerate carrots and broccoli. In our household, Grandpa’s delicious home-made damson ice-cream meets with deep suspicion. Bought vanilla is a safer bet.
Greater harmony is usually achieved by feeding the children in a separate room or at a separate table from their parents, depending on their age and on the space available. It makes under-7s feel grown-up, although older children may feel insulted having to sit with the “little ones”.
Over-excited and silly Whether you blame the surfeit of chocolate or just the natural excitement that occurs whenever four or five cousins under 10 get together, the children are likely to become, in a favourite phrase of my mother’s, “over-excited and silly”. The likelihood can be reduced by getting them outdoors, April showers permitting, to let off steam. An Easter egg hunt in the garden is easy to organise .
Children under 5 need an adult in attendance to make sure that they find their quota of eggs before the older children grab them. If there is no garden to overflow into, or the weather is atrocious, the whole day may have to be spent indoors. The more space that you can provide, the happier and more relaxed the family will be. Half an hour spent moving furniture the night before,pays dividends.
Make sure that you can locate the Scrabble and other board games and the dice for the ones that need them. Snakes and Ladders can last far too long but can be speeded up by throwing two dice each turn.
In vino veritas Grown-ups have been known to get over-excited and silly, too. Alcohol has much the same effect on them as chocolate does on the children. After a few drinks, siblings who have made a habit of bickering for 20 years will be at it again, and Uncle Stanley will have his usual row with his daughter-in-law. They argue on the subject of men doing their share of the housework. She thinks that he is a selfish male chauvinist dinosaur. He thinks that she is a sulky women’s-libber who should stay at home ironing his son’s shirts instead of going out to work.
I am not suggesting that the hosts should be spoilsports and ration the wine; just that they should be prepared with metaphorical oil to pour on troubled water. They can keep known enemies apart — if it is a sit-down meal — by putting them at opposite ends of the table. A trusted family member can be enlisted to watch over them before and after the meal, and to intervene, if necessary, to keep them from each other’s throats.
THE COP-OUT
There is no rule that says family get-togethers must be held at home to make them happy occasions. There is a wide choice of venues for a great day out over the holiday weekend. Easter Egg Trails have become all the rage at National Trust, English Heritage and other historic properties with gardens, and many have licensed restaurants where you can reserve a table.
Alternatively, you could start a family tradition of meeting at a pub that caters for children, and going for a country walk together before or after lunch. If you pick the location carefully, family members may not have to travel as far as they would to each other’s houses.
Jane is the author of The Good Granny Guide (Short Books, £12.99). Visit www.goodgranny.com for more information
