A disastrous move would be for you to confront your husband and to cause a crisis that forced him to behave like a cornered rat. You have been married long enough for the nature of the love your husband feels for you to be quite different from the love (or lust) he feels for the unknown woman. So no ultimatums.

Functional MRI scans have shown that it is quite possible for two different types of love to run in parallel. The likelihood is that, if you remain calm, agreeable and display a far more mature form of love, the former status quo will be restored. For goodness’ sake don’t think that a sudden metamorphosis — wearing sexy, revealing clothes designed for a 20-year-old — will help. Nor will a detailed study of the Kamasutra entice him into your arms.

Suzi Godson

With patience. Affairs are a kind of madness and it isn’t easy to entice the distracted. Right now your husband is lost on an emotional rollercoaster and, ironically, your connection to him, the responsibility he has for you, and his guilt at betraying you serve only to heighten the sensations he is feeling.

If it is of any consolation, that makes you a very important part of the experience. Without you in the equation, his relationship would lack the piquancy of secrecy. Half the buzz of infidelity is the fear of being found out and the requisite ducking and diving that entails. The other half is the ego trip of being wanted by two people rather than one.

Or perhaps none. If you examine your conscience, can you honestly say that you fully appreciated your husband before he started an affair? I thought not. And this point is not lost on him either.

His behaviour is not to be condoned and the pain he has caused you should not be ignored, but you have to be realistic here. There are countless cads who will screw around on their partner just for the sake of it, but a man who has been married for 30 years is unlikely to be unfaithful if his primary relationship is in good shape.

Even if you didn’t argue with each other while you were together, common or garden apathy can be every bit as destructive as volatility. In fact, a marriage that is allowed to drift aimlessly is more likely to hit the rocks than one where there is a battle over the steering wheel. When one feels, as you probably do, like the innocent victim in a situation, it can be very difficult to acknowledge the part your marriage has played in its own demise. Blaming him, or the other women, or even yourself for that matter, might make you feel better, but it is counter-productive because it distracts attention from the real issue.

Basically, if you want to fix your relationship, you have to work out what broke it in the first place. How you go about doing this is up to you. Couple counselling is the obvious route. He’ll do it because he owes it to you, but unless he finishes the affair it is pointless and, while the wounds are still fresh, the inevitable and repetitive mudslinging will make reconciliation both less likely and less attractive. To “entice him back into your arms” you need to make yourself more, rather than less, appealing and the only way to do this is to “get some space”. It’s a cliché, I know, but it is only by putting some distance between you, him and this shabby state of affairs that you will be able to make clear and conscious decisions about what was wrong with your past and what will be right for your future.

Space doesn’t have to be geographic, though I doubt you will ever find a more appropriate time to make that trip to see your friends in New Zealand, but it does have to give you enough room to grow. Whether you decide to quit your job and go back into education, or have a facelift and start investing in the stock market, if you grasp every opportunity that life throws at you and insist that your glass of water is half full, not half empty, by the time your absence makes his heart grow fonder your arms will probably be pretty full already.

Remember, no matter how bad things get in life, we always have a choice. We get to choose our attitude. And positive wins every time.

E-mail your sexual dilemmas to body&soul@ thetimes.co.uk or write to Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT