I used to think therapy was indulgent, or even wilfully narcissistic. I certainly didn’t think it was for me. That was before I was in sufficient emotional pain to seek it out. Having since benefited from it enormously, I now think of it as a necessary part of emotional health — if only because, at some point in our lives, many of us get stuck with a problem that seems intractable, or trapped in a cycle of destructive behaviour we can see no way out of. We tell ourselves the same stories over and over again, live according to scripts that were written long ago and are layered with years of history. We may not even understand that we are repeating destructive patterns. All we understand is the outcome — crippling emotional pain, sheer bewilderment (why another failed relationship? Why an inability to communicate with my mother?), inexplicable outbursts of anger (difficult, unresolved emotions have a habit of leaking out in ways that seem unconnected to the source), addiction (to try and medicate emotional distress), or bitterness because the lives we are forced to endure seem to be everybody’s fault but our own.

Talking to friends may be helpful, but friends are too emotionally attached to be objective. Their desire is to comfort, not to point out uncomfortable truths. Therapy is not comfortable, nor is it magic. It requires brutal emotional honesty and a willingness to take responsibility for our own behaviour. You can spend thousands, but if you’re not willing to engage, you may as well burn your money.

I hope that the new drama series In Treatment will help lessen the stigma attached to therapy, as it is still seen by some as an admission of weakness rather than a sensible investment in wellbeing and good relationships. Ten years ago, I mentioned to somebody that a friend was in therapy, and was soundly rebuked for revealing his “secret”. Had I said that he was seeing a specialist for a physical, rather than an emotional, problem, I have no doubt the response would have been very different.

Not all therapy is helpful, and nor are all therapists good, if only because what works for one person may make another run screaming from the room. My deepest fear is being overlooked or disregarded. Sit me in front of a psychoanalytical psychotherapist, whose training renders them essentially silent, and I go bonkers, literally. I need somebody who talks back. If a therapist doesn’t laugh at my jokes, I leave. Therapy, make no mistake, is a service industry. If you don’t like a therapist, go and find another. Interview (I use that word advisedly) two, three or even four until you find somebody with whom you feel comfortable. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may be great for anxiety disorder or reactive depression (depression triggered by a difficult event), but for severe depressive disorder it’s pretty useless. Person-centred therapy is far more effective. Or at least that’s my experience.

Therapy — and finding the right therapist — has made my life happier, easier and more comfortable. These days, I understand my emotional patterns, and while I may not be able entirely to stop them (some are so deep-seated as to be entirely instinctive), I can at least challenge them.

I used to get tearful if somebody was even 10 minutes late. I had no idea why. It seemed so stupid and foolish in a full-grown woman. It took therapy to help me understand. When I was four years old, I was sent to school in Brazil. It was the third country in which I’d lived since I was born. At the school, they spoke only Portuguese and German. I spoke only English. One day, my mother was an hour late because her car broke down. The teacher tried to explain, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I thought, after all the disruption in my young life, that my mother had gone for ever.

I was distraught. These days, I don’t get tearful if somebody is 10 minutes late. But an hour? Forget it. I’m long gone.

In Treatment starts on October 5 at 10pm on Sky Arts1

HOW TO FIND A THERAPIST

by Julia Bueno, UKCP, Integrative psychotherapist

Although public investment and the approach to talking therapies are improving, most of us continue to seek help privately. GPs rarely have psychological support at their practice, and if they do, waiting lists can be achingly long and offer only a few sessions. Yet the task of sourcing help on your own can be very confusing. The government is in the process of regulating counselling and psychotherapy, but until its statutory register is live, possibly in early 2011, professional bodies, or a personal recommendation, remain the best ways to find a therapist.

The United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) and the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) have directories of registered/accredited therapists and clear guidance on how to choose them. Being a member will mean a practitioner has met fairly stringent training and experience requirements, and must abide by a code of ethics and a complaints procedure. If you want to complain, there’s a body to turn to for help.