Every time a dastardly driver swaps four wheels for two, it saves the nation as much as £400 a year through reduced medical bills, congestion and pollution.

That’s the shock news from Cycling England, the government-funded body charged with promoting pedal power.

How did it work that out? Well, the estimated cost of physical inactivity in England is a coronary-inducing £8.2 billion a year. More than a fifth of us are now obese, and in the words of Bruce Forsyth: “What does obesity win? Medical bills.” Simply by going about our car-loving, exercise-hating day, we’re costing our country a fortune by increasing our risk of heart disease, stroke and colon cancer.

At the very least it’s not patriotic. By abandoning the car and cycling hamster-in-a-wheel-like to work, we will lead healthier, happier, cheaper lives (assuming of course, we don’t get squashed by a truck).

And they’re quite specific about this: if you’re over 65 and you start cycling, the amount the NHS will save because of your longer life expectancy is £242.07. If you’re over 45, it’s £99.53. On top of that, regardless of age, each cyclist costs £28.30 a year less in general non-life-threatening treatments.

Employers also benefit, to the tune of £47.68. That’s because – as we all know – Lycra wearers are less prone to throwing sickies than are nonLycra wearers.

The rest of the total figure comprises the reduction in congestion and pollution, which both cost the economy.

So the question is this: if cyclists are such good news for the government, why doesn’t that same government give cyclists cash for cycling? Personally, I wouldn’t expect the whole £400 – £300 would be fine. Or rather than just writing me a one-off cheque that I’ll be tempted to spend on life-shortening beer, it could be means-linked, like this: the further I cycle, the more I get.

It’s clearly a win-win situation: they win because I’m not blocking an NHS bed, and I win because – just like the aforementioned hamster – I’ll benefit from motivation. A big wheel in a cage won’t do it, but money will.

How would the government know how far I’d cycled? Well, it could trust me, which it won’t. Or we could extend the congestion charge zone across the whole country and call it a congestion discharge zone for cyclists.

Within weeks all the noncyclists would join me.

We’d all be cycling around like very healthy Austrians in our traffic-jam-free utopia. And the NHS would be overfunded.

But life just isn’t that easy, is it?