TOILET TRAINING

Someone engaged me in conversation at a urinal the other day, which I found most inappropriate. So, today, we are going to have a brief refresher course on toilet etiquette before all semblance of order goes down the plughole. Let’s start with the urinal.

First, the basics. Never go in packs. You are not a girl. Position is important. If you arrive at an empty urinal, stand at the far left or far right, but never in the middle. This enables the next man to take the opposite extreme. If a third man arrives, he can take the middle slot, but it would be preferable if he abandoned the urinal altogether and went into a cubicle. Regardless of good intent, you should never hang around waiting for an ideal position – it may be mistaken for perving.

Once installed, keep your eyes dead ahead at all times, even in the event of a fire alarm. If you have the misfortune to find yourself at the urinal at the same time as a friend or colleague, a rhetorical “All right?” will suffice. “How’s the new kitchen coming along?” is too much. If you have eaten asparagus or taken Berocca, and you find yourself urinating upriver of someone else, a simple “Sorry, asparagus/Berocca” is polite. Other than that, there should be absolutely no talking. As for drying off, three shakes is diligence. Four is masturbation.

And so on to how to navigate the cubicle. Unless you are on final call at an airport, or two minutes away from sitting a three-hour exam, never take a cubicle next to one that is already occupied. Come back another time.

Never make a toilet-paper seat cover. If the fact that it is girlie isn’t enough to dissuade you, consider the following findings from the University of Arizona: the average toilet seat has a mere 49 microbes of bacteria per square inch, whereas your desk has 20,691 per square inch. Which means eating your sandwich off the toilet seat is 400 times more hygienic than eating it at your desk, and your bottom will survive.

Always leave the toilet bowl as you would like to find it, by which I mean wait to check it doesn’t need a double flush. As with the urinals, communication is a nono, even if the toilet paper has run out. Girls may warn each other, “Don’t go in there, I just used the last paper” – but with men, it is simply the next user’s misfortune.

Try to time your exit for when the rest of the washroom is empty. On no account emerge proudly, passing comment to all and sundry on how pleased you are with what just went on behind the closed door.

Oh, and lest you should be tempted to forget, always wash your hands.

THE RIGHT STRIPES

Derek Rose’s signature striped pyjamas are the ultimate in luxury sleepwear. If you’ve decided January is the month to stay in and detox, we reckon you deserve a pair. £139, by Derek Rose, from Harrods

FILL IN THE GAPS

Worried you’ll look even craggier than normal after tomorrow’s festivities? The Vichy Homme range contains proven antiageing ingredients (the Reti-Fill has vitamin C and retinol, to reduce wrinkles) and looks functional enough to be left out in the bathroom. £16; 0800 169 6193

LONDON CALLING

The Hardy Amies London collection is based on 60 years of razor-sharp archived menswear that includes the shirt worn by Mick Jagger in his early David Bailey photoshoot. The clean, neat shirts and fine retro 1960s ties are a brilliant way to reinvent yourself as you tackle going back to work. Square-end tie, £45, by Hardy Amies; www.hardyamies.com