I think it's a question of delta. If one partner makes more but the other still makes enough to be a valuable contributor, it's one thing. If one partner makes so much that anything the other earns is insignificant, it's more difficult. I don't think sex really enters into it. Both men and women can feel the weight of the disparity and wonder how to contribute to the relationship. As the author said, it's good if success can be defined in other terms than wealth so that everyone can feel valuable.

Kris Warkentin, ottawa, ontario/canada

It's worked and is still working for us. Just because my wife happens to earn more for what she does, we both work equally hard and contribute equally in all other areas, we are quite good at what we do and respect each other for that and how we treat each other and not for the bread we win.

You need to learn that success is only equated to $$ by the shallow and vacuous (of course I would say that wouldn't I?).

That society happens to place more $ value on what my wife does than what I do matters little to her and less to me. I'm happy for her and if the tables were turned nothing would change.

Get over your jaded perceptions.... you'll be a lot happier for it.

Dale, Australia,

As a man, not only do I not care if a women earns more than me, I don't care what her job is or what her career ambitions are or how much `respect` she gets in her chosen field.

I've never met a man in my life who would look down on a woman because she wasn't successful enough in her job or because didn't get that long-yearned-for-promotion.

Most men are more concerned with her personality, her sweetness, how attractive she is, common interests...crazy, I know!

Why are we talking about how unreasonable MEN are when it comes to their expectations of a potential partner?

Seamus MacDhai, Durham, Co.Durham,

To be honest with you, I think in the next few years, more and more women are going to make more money than their significant other. With the circle of friends I have, I already see this happening. For example, there are more women compared to men enrolled in college these days. Look at the statistics in US colleges and Universities.Many campuses see enrollment of 60% women to 40% men. In a variety of California State University campuses almost 70% are women compared to only 30% men. This is a huge concern in the US currently, as the amount of males going to college is declining while women are increasing. It's not because there are more women than men. If you look at the US population census, between age 18-24, there are actually more men than women. As more women attain higher education and become more career ambitious, it won't be long until women overall are making more money than men. Women are doing this now by commanding equal or more salary to men.

Arlene, LA,

Handsome, intelligent, and virile male, 50ish, GSOH, insolvent due to last three goldiggers, seeks sincere, loving lady and soul mate, preferably non-dom (in all senses). Please send photo and a couple o' million down-payment to:

Viktorovich, Moscow, RF

Having divorced an egocentric, narcissistic LAWYER who positively loathed that I make considerably more than him, but also resented my superior "star power", it's been my experience that what men "say" they think or feel is vastly different than the truth. In fact, in my opinion, most men have a strongly negative view of women with whom they must compete at any level. On average, I believe most men prefer a woman they think they are intellectually superior to, and can dominate via finances. In other words - they prefer a doormat to a challenge.

Jan, Newport Beach, CA

I'm currently married (7 years) with a woman who earns quite a bit more than I do without an issue. But I think the key is that I supported her 100% while she was working on her degrees and she was not well off financially. Now that she's graduated and is quite successful, when she picks up the check, she points out that she's repaying my "investment". On one level, it's a joke and means nothing. But on a higher level, I am not threatened by her success because she makes me feel as if I am an important part of that success.

Jonathan, Canada,

There are cases that work (I and my husband are one of them, just about) but still not many. For the majority of highly academic / highly successful women it is harder to find a partner, for whatever reason. A quick count around my office (all PhDs) demonstrates it.
- Only half of women are in long term relationships, the majority with highly qualified men.
- Three quarters of men have long term partners, only one in ten of whom have equal or higher qualifications.

Teapot, South America,

I would say that i would have answered the questionnaire the same way as many others as in "doesnt bother me" BUT I always felt awkward in a resturant or hotel with my ex paying for me, especially as the waiter would come to me 9 times out of 10 when it was time to pay!

She earnt 3 times what I do. See-i'm explaining myself again!

Ross, Liverpool, UK

Right on, Mark.
The atavism isn't just with men worrying about not picking up the bill. It's well-documented also that a woman needs to look up to her man in some way in order to maintain sufficient respect for him.
Otherwise she all too often becomes another 'still looking'; and likely to decamp without a backward glance as soon as a perceived better bet materialises.

Also I'm reminded of the old environmental studies rhyme:
"The mountains, rivers, lakes and grass
Are fine for men of middle class;
But nature holds far less allure
For women, and the urban poor."
Whether middle class to start with or hoist up in social status by his good fortune in landing a rich partner, the male may develop tastes that do not sit well with a woman for whom retail therapy and sunning herself on top of a stationary motor yacht are her reasons for living. Rarely a problem if the male rules the roost . . . but female psychology is very different.

David, Bristol, UK

I think it's generally a good idea if both people in a relationship earn fairly similar amounts, it can help avoid feelings of resentment on the part of the higher-paid party who feels he/she has to subsidise every expense, and feelings of inadequacy on the part of the other. But quibbling over one earning slightly more than the other, that is just childish and silly.

Having said that, the most unlikely and mismatched couples can sometimes work, so this is only a general guideline, not an absolute rule!

Sarah, London, UK

If you lock yourselves away for the rest of your lives it may work. If, on the other hand, your lives and careers depend on you maintaining social/professional schedules, then it won’t. The term “the rich are different” is the reality, and with all of the best intentions the poorer spouse is the one who has to work at the marriage by having to make all of the concessions, including jettisoning all values he may have previously considered important and hence his friends and in extreme cases also his own family. You are a lesser person as a result. It just isn’t worth it.

Mark, Sliema,

So, Roger has pointed out the obvious answer: rich women of the world, if you want to be happy, marry a gay man! :-)

Pietro B, SP, Italy,

My wife has earnt more than me for most of our marriage but its never made the slightest bit of difference save in one respect. I acquired greater kudos in my own career for being hitched to a high flyer. When it came to the "mine's bigger than yours" sort of conversations one has with male colleagues, having a spouse who is a divisional head reporting to a FTSE 100 main board and who wears Max Mara suits and heels considerably outbid a wife in trainers doing casual teaching at a local kindergarten.

And it got even better at the annual Christmas party when the self same colleagues came up against my Iron Lady.

Mark, Berkhamsted,

In a marriage then property becomes common. Marrying a high earning woman should, therefore, mean that I get a higher standard of living without putting in a higher level of work.

Sounds OK to me.

Bob, Reading,

I've been married for many years to a woman who made more than I did. Nothing to it. A successful wife is good thing. However, spouses with commitments outside marriage, such as physicians, politicians, corporate chiefs or movie stars, often are away from home and place their spouse (and children) in a secondary position to their careers- something any marriage would find burdensome.
Time together and interest in each other are probably the most important things in a marriage.
Pre-nups, of course, are nice whatever the situation.

Lee, sterling, USA

I earn decent money but my partner earns almost twice as much as me, and to be honest, I couldn't care less whether alpha-males look at me as the weaker half of the relationship. We respect each other for working hard and doing well, and we don't compete with one another. Sorry to destroy your argument, Jo in Devon, but I have no innate desire to be superior, and my friends would quite happily accept my situation if they could! I think you're fishing in the wrong gene pool...

Neil S, Glasgow, Scotland

It's all relative, personally I'd be happy to give up work and look after the kids if my other half was earning more than me. She's done all the work producing them, all I did was make a small donation to kick off the process... balance is important!

Until that point, yes, some guys do have a mental block about not/picking up a resto bill and similar roles in partnerships. That's cultural, such as it is. I wouldn't want to know on a first date how much she earned - such knowledge might make me rude (Hell, how much? Well, I'll just pay for the dessert then!)!

I'd have to hope she didn't get jealous of me looking after the sprogs though... Lizzie is right to a point, but it's all down to self confidence and if a man hasn't got that, but his (rich) partner has loads, then it would be very surprising if they stayed together for any length of time. No point in that - it's about partnership, not about who's boss.

Did I say Happy looking after kids? Understatement; I'd be ecstatic.

Steve, London, UK

I have to agree with Lizzie, there is equality in many forms. But I have to say that for a successful marriage there is a lot of sacrificies involved by both partners. Money is not always the answer to a happy marriage - just look at famous couples e.g Royal Family members.

kareema, Bielefeld,

An obvious source of dad would not be gay men in an article based on the gender differences of men and women and the roles both play when coupled.

That would be a different article, Roger.

Sabina, London, UK

I'd love to marry a millionairess, divorce her and take half her stuff because I'm, 'accustomed' to it. Or does that only work for gold-digging women?

Eddie, London,

The people say things because they do not want to seem old-fashioned.

Ronaldo, JF, Brazil

Maybe I 've come across mostly Neanderthals but I have found that many men have an innate desire to be superior in brains, strength and earning power. The other variety is much, much rarer.
I put this innate desire down to the fact that men have to deal with 90% more testosterone than women for which neither is responsible.
Anyway, there seems to be no problem whilst there is mutual respect for what each gender brings to the relationship whether working or personal.

Jo, Devon, England

An obvious source of data here would be gay men. One of the men in a gay couple must be earning more than the other. They seem to manage to get on.

Roger, London, UK

As a young woman dealing with today's new men and finding them highly satisfactory, I don't think the numbers are important. What matters is relative success. That is to say, if the woman is senior partner in a law firm she will probably not threaten a really successful teacher or fireman even though she out-earns him many times over. He'll be OK provided he gets as much respect as her within their respective fields. Indeed the trophy wife of a successful businessman will probably be insecure and miserable if she is not as beautiful and socially desirable as he is rich, since this is how she measures comparative success. Equality comes in many forms.

Lizzie, London,