Readers of a more sensitive nature, look away now. Scarlett Johansson’s latest conquest is not a Hollywood hunk with a six-pack and a surf habit, but none other than our very own paunchy, hood-eyed, middle-aged genius Salman Rushdie.

Grabs from Johansson’s latest video reveal our Salman nuzzling her neck in a lascivious manner. Well, well.

Hasn’t he done well? The busty star is just the latest in a long line of stunning gals to be seen swimming upstream with Salman - he recently escorted the ravishing Olivia Wilde, 24, to a White House do, shortly after he was spotted out with the disabled model Aimee Mullins. So, what’s the pull?

It can’t be his looks - the man has the face of an outraged woodpecker. We blame middle youth, that dodgy age when certain men set out to prove there’s one final squirt left in the can.