At some point, 50 million years or so ago, a stegosaurus must have woken up
from a long and satisfying night's sleep. He stretched, scratched his bum
and maybe picked a bit of caveman from his back teeth. He then headed
outside to catch up with his mates only to discover that the whole place was
eerily silent.
“Where the hell has everybody gone?” he must have asked himself. Where was his
drinking pal the brontosaurus? Where was the tyrannosaurus with whom he was
going hunting? Where was the pterodactyl who invited him to the football?
All gone.
I feel I know how that stegosaurus felt because I feel the same way. As a
single, heterosexual male in my mid-thirties, I am a dying breed. We are
facing extinction. I have watched my friends picked off, one by one, like
blue whales in Japanese fishing waters. I've witnessed a senseless
destruction of our natural habitat. Like Brazilian rainforests being cleared
for strip mines, table-football tables are being replaced by love seats and
wine racks are making way for shoe racks.
And yet this tragedy is going by unnoticed. If we were the blue-balled
Bahamian jungle sloth, or the squat-nippled Arctic fruit bat, scores of
do-gooders would be rattling tins outside Tube stations. They'd be
petitioning world leaders to raise awareness of our plight. Someone might
organise a charity concert or, at the very least, record a charity song for
us. We'd have a minor royal as chairman of our own charity: Spurmo -
Straight Proud Unmarried Men Over-30.
I remember a time when my friends and I roamed free in great herds like
buffalo dominating the open plains of the American West. But as our numbers
dwindle, I've had to lower my standards. Not my standards with the women I
date. I've had to lower my standards with men. Through necessity, I've found
myself associating with guys I'd never have been friends with at university.
But I need someone to go out drinking with.
“You're exaggerating,” a female friend told me. “There are plenty of single
guys your age for you to play with.”
Yes. True. There are. Thousands of them. But they're wearing tight white
T-shirts and meeting for cosmopolitans to discuss which Sex and the City
character they are. That's not what I'm talking about. I mean men at the
same stage of life with whom I can drink/laugh/hang out/watch sport/pull
women.
Another friend, an attractive blonde 23-year-old law student, told me it
doesn't matter if there aren't any single men my age to go out with. I can
join her and her friends. Yes, sure, like the lonely Great Ape of Rwanda
could hang out with the lemurs. He could, but he'd feel as conspicuous as I
do in a group of 23-year-old law students. As nice as they are, I can't help
but feel they're staring at me wondering, “who invited Old Man Time?” I
don't have any trouble talking to 23-year-old girls. But I'd be wanting sex
and they'd be wanting career advice.
I don't begrudge my friends who have married and forsaken me. I'm happy for
them. I'm by no means anti-matrimony. I plan on marrying one day. I just
haven't found “the One”... or if I have (which is more likely), I just
didn't realise it at the time. Love is a wonderful thing. Finding the right
woman can make a man do the most amazing, irrational things. My brother is a
perfect example. He was leading the ultimate bachelor lifestyle in Los
Angeles, but when he met his future wife, this lifelong animal-hater sold
his Aston Martin so that she and her four cats could move in.
I can't wait until I feel moved to act similarly. But it doesn't change the
situation that, right now, there aren't many of us left. And it's a lonely
world out there when you realise that you're closer in age to Homer Simpson
than to Jessica Simpson. And that your lifelong fantasy of sleeping with a
Yummy Mummy no longer involves an older woman.
Contrary to what you might think, the wives of our friends are not the
Spurmo's enemies. The wives like us, mainly for purposes of matchmaking with
their single female friends. We have a different enemy: babies. The babies
themselves are not the problem. It's what those babies do to their fathers.
A friend of mine was a legendary party animal. Now, as a father of two, he
nurses a pint of shandy and announces his departure at 9pm,assuming we can
get him to the pub in the first place.
It's the double standards where babies are concerned that I find
objectionable. If a baby pukes, everyone rushes around like a Kennedy has
been shot. But, if I should do likewise after three vodka tonics, a bottle
of red and four sambucas, does anyone mop my fevered brow? No, they leave me
to make my own way to KFC for a party bucket with mashed potatoes, gravy and
onion rings. And when a baby kicks up a fuss, it is rewarded with boob. But
if I start crying and demanding boob, I'm simply asked to leave the
bus/cinema/restaurant/church.
I just want the Spurmo to be appreciated. We deserve to be protected as much
as - if not more than - other endangered species. Let's face it, if the last
60 Californian condors are suddenly wiped off the face of the Earth, it
wouldn't really effect your life. (I bet you didn't even know that
Californian condors existed.) Straight unmarried men over 30 make your world
a more interesting place. Being in our thirties, by definition we've had
more life experiences than men in their twenties. We have wisdom,
perspective and insight. The fact that we're single means that we don't talk
about children. For that alone we should be applauded. Without us, the
dinner party as a form of popular entertainment would die.
And the importance of our contribution to the global economy cannot be
underestimated. Since we've been working longer, we have earned and saved
more. Because we don't have to spend any of it on children, we prop up many
important industries: luxury car and watch manufacturers, champagne makers,
the entire male grooming industry, high-end electronics, travel and sport
industries, overpriced romantic restaurants, hair growth research and
development, etc. Without us, economies would crumble. And the world would
be at a considerable loss without such luminary Spurmos as Voltaire,
Beethoven and the Wright brothers. For these reasons, we deserve to be given
the consideration due to other endangered species.
I don't want those on the cusp of Spurmo-dom, however, to think there's no
upside. There is. It is a stage of life to be embraced and encouraged. We
can do pretty much whatever we want, whenever we want and can generally
afford to do it. More importantly, remember all those beautiful women who
wouldn't give you the time of day when you were in your twenties? If they're
still single, in their mid-thirties, desperation has probably caused their
standards to drop low enough for you to stand a serious chance.
Support the cause by visiting www.spurmo.com
How to tell if you're a Spurmo
When you meet a woman, do you check her wedding ring finger?
On holiday, are you always put in the worst room of the chalet/villa?
Is hair loss a greater threat to the planet than global warming?
Do you mention ex-girlfriends early in a conversation so that people don't
assume you're gay?
Have you ever said: “Fifteen years is not that big an age difference.”?
Do you have two or more godchildren?
(Answer yes to 2 or more: you're a Spurmo)
Spurmo heroes
George Clooney, Christian Slater, Jack Nicholson , Indiana Jones, Hugh Hefner
Historical Spurmos
Sir Isaac Newton, Vincent van Gogh, Voltaire, Ludwig van Beethoven, Sir
Francis Drake
It was pretty good, but for one thing that grabbed my eye. For starters, Stegosaurs were vegetarians. Thats all I wanted to say.
Jack Brown, Vancouver, Canada
This article has made my week!
A few days ago I was speaking with some of my Spurmo mates about the fact that more and more of our friends are getting hitched, settling down and popping out rug-rats, and that means that we have fewer people to go out drinking with.
BTW, What does the "R" stand for?
CR, Canberra, Australia
Very funny... and true for the Spurfo, too. My last cool, single, child-free friend just squeezed one out a couple weeks ago (pour out one drink for the homie), and it seems she's keeping it for some reason. It was a good run, I guess. There are worthy chicks, but we are few. I feel like a Mohican.
Erin, TX, USA
Thank you, I just blurted my coffee out with laughter.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant and true. I am spurmo and proud.
Tom, Wicklow, Ireland
I agree with Jim. Brilliant piece.
Dug, London, United Kingdom
This was a funny read - this describes my friend perfectly!
To all the people complaining or saying that the writer needs to grow up... um, seriously? This is a satire (and a good one at that). If you can't find humor in this, then you need to lighten up a bit.
Ryan, Kensington, MD, USA
Try being a middle aged or elderly gay man or an elderly disabled person. Then tell us about marginalisation and isolation. Grow up.
Tim Perkins, Manchester, UK
Wait it out for a year or two more and you'll get your mates back. They'll start getting divorced.
You've dodged a bullet, by staying single. Don't moan about it.
Redcliffe, London,
hahahaha
sweet, Bishan, singapore
Funny, brilliant, true......
EG, Melbourne, Australia
As a single woman in a long term, long distant relationship I really do empthaise with the essay. And it is nothing to do with needing to grow up or get a life - its just to do with wanting some friends to play with again !
kelly, london,
Really pathetic. Doesn't this belong in a lad mag?
Adam, Loughborough,
I'm with Allan of Germany, get rid of Tad Safran (surely shome mishtake with that name??) and bring us Andrew Milner!
Oonagh, Hong Kong,
Sensational piece, well articulated...Rings loud and True!
Jim, Nairobi, Kenya
Hey guys this stuff is enaugh to open a new blog !
mauro, milan, italy
Many comments from people who are saying leave the country. Too damn true. I left 4 years ago, am the envy of all my mates who, incidentally, are at differing stages of Boredom/ stagnation/ divorce/ marriage/ desperation.
Travelling has meant that nearly all people I meet are single like me! Hooray
Glenn, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
Loved it! I got married at the ripe old age of 30, and I'm happy as a pig 'bout that. Thanks for the laugh, but, my lad, I hope the SPURMOs do become extinct! (For your own sake!) And don't worry 'bout which one is THE ONE. She'll tell you. Your job is to get to the church on time.
Great writeup.
Dan, Portland, US
I guess this sounds boring to you, but I'd rather settle down into family life.
Howard, Manchester,
ha ha, you're dead right, though its not restricted to the males of this world!
Katie, Aberdeen, Scotland
" He was leading the ultimate bachelor lifestyle in Los Angeles, but when he met his future wife, this lifelong animal-hater sold his Aston Martin so that she and her four cats could move in. "
Enough said. I hope that in a few years he will still be happy with wife, kids and cats.
He won't.
George, London, UK
Why do we have to have acronyms for everything? Where the hell did pride slip in?
G.A.L
Get a life..........
John, London,
LOL. There's another word for you, mate: it's boy-man. AKA Peter Pan. Grow up, get matched, and start making babies. The brown hordes need some competition for the demographic olympics.
J Cline, New York,
Loved it and saw lots of myself in it. made me laugh and then I get a picture of my best friends embryo. Jo from Kiev is right get out there, I did.
eugene , Sydney,
I really like that. Eah
Oleg, Toronto, Canada
Clearly exagerated for the sake of humour but an enjoyable read. I relate to some of it. I have a baby boy & I either don't go out with mates at all or leave early as I'm either too tired to stay or need to ensure I am capeable of getting up the next day to look after him. Wouldn't change it though.
Graeme, Chelmsford,
Well, I only like to add: Stegosaurus and Tyrannosaurus didn't live at the same period, neither the pterodactyl. Anyway, the Stegosaurus is and herviborous and Tyrannosaurus isn't. And finally, it is absolutely false that dinosaurs and men live at the same period. The rest is perfect :-)
cristian, redditch, UK
Society already has a label for you. It's called: "on the shelf".
But don't worry, many of your married mates will be single again in due course (just poorer and richer). If you resent the babies phase, beware the later "married people pretending they are single" act.
Vicky, Germany,
Not a bad mindless read.
Though tongue-in-cheek, I do think the author has some personal issues.
Also - spot on Nora Miz - the Stegosaurus was a herbivore. Correct from a periodic perspective though: steggy from Cretaceous period which overlaps with T-Rex late Jurassic by approx. 4m years.
Paul Tinker, Henley-on-Thames, UK
What I love about this are the comments along the lines of grow up. Society likes to put you in a box, it makes them feel safe. Who says we are all here to marry & procreate? We only get one life, & if you are not hurting anyone, do what you like with it. An entertaining article
lloyd, UK,
I know this is a joke but really, what the spurmo doesn't get is...YOU AREN'T YOUNG ANYMORE. When I was 21 and out clubbing I thought men over 27 who were doing the same were ageing losers., deserving of pity!
jacqueline wheeler, london,
Stegosaurus was a herbivore...
Pete, London,
Maybe if you tried and befriended a few of these women instead of tyring to get straight into her knickers you would realise, a) it is possible to be a man and have female friends and b) you might realise friendship is the best way to love for chauvinistic males such as your self.
Nell Bishop, London, United Kingdom
My nephew eventually found the one. This involved fleeing posh job and spending all his cash on a trek around the world, bumping into an Irish student and now trying to open a book shop in Belfast. He fled job because single-parent women were trying to nail him as meal-ticket replacement husband.
Colin , Cambridge, UK
Grow up you sad git. I grew out of all that nonsense years ago. I am now 38, my only daughter is off to Uni soon and I will be free to enjoy more free time with my wife. There is much more to life than poisoning your liver, whilst deafening yourself whilst ogling equally vapid girls doing likewise.
Ken Hall, Barrow in Furness, UK
There is a very simple answer to this problem just leave the country. At age 34 I did this in 1998 and have since lived in Amsterdam, Berlin, Frankfurt, Sydney and now Kiev and I am having a great time.
Think how envious your married friends will be as well.
Greetings from Kiev
Joe
Joe, Kiev, Ukraine
How self satisfied is Ian Kemmish!!
Abby, London, UK
Wait stop, you have an attractive, 23 year old, blonde law student inviting you to hang out with her and her friends and you're here writing an article complaining about being lonely??!? Instead of throwing yourself an online pity party, why don't you take her up on her offer?
Gary, Tulsa, USA
What a load of offensive, badly written (and spelt) rubbish.
Apart from the irritating assertion that spurmos are a 'breed' (they are not, they are a demographic), this article comes across as petulant and chauvenistic.
Young, single (implied: white) males are a most privileged set.
Kay, London, UK
what a load of middle class nonsense.
crispin willis, cupar, scotland
It's a poor sap of a man that must of written this article. At 37 I am absolutely loving being single. So what, I have 3 kids by 2 woman.
Most married guys I know have given up trying to be happy and are now happy to just be miserable.
Besides that, has anyone seen woman in their late 30s!
Greg, Birmingham, UK
Hang in there brother, it gets better! I (39/Spurmo) have been there and spent many nights drinking with the "leftovers". Later the under-30s admire you for your confidence and wisdom, the over-40s for your youth and everyone in between becomes a stalker. I'm lovin' it.
Johnny, Barcelona,
Very entertaining Tad, thanks once again for brightening up a rather grey day. I suspect however, that the gorgeous women who rejected you in their 20's would do so again as they're getting hit on my gorgeous potential toy boys!
Cat, London,
get a move on and start breeding it's your duty
kevin, ware,
Take note married men. Neglect your single mates and who are you going to get drunk with when you get taken to the cleaners?
Tom, Bristol, UK
funny and frank, I am over 30 single but gay man anyway I found it hilarious
chris, london,
All I can say is grow up. Why didn't you do all your drinking and messing around in your early 20's ? What are you going to carry on like the big kid you are until when ? 40, 45, 50 maybe. Get a life and do something useful.
Andrew, London,
Tad, I have bad news - Indiana Jones is no longer a SPURMO - he got married in the new film. One less role model out there!
I wonder who'll be next.....
K Hammond, Chigwell, UK
Sadly, many social symptoms of the spurmo set in even earlier than 30. Even at 25, nearly everyone I know that's even remotely close in age fits neatly into one of these categories:
1) Deadbeats,
2) Families,
3) and Deadbeats with families.
FiZ, Washington DC, USA
I've got news for you, it's not just the single guys having this problem. I'm married, thirty-ish and gladly childless. The same problems facing the SPURFO's are also mine. Our joint enemy is the baby. They'll be the downfall of our species.. Hold on that's not right, you know what I mean though :-)
Trevor, Sheffield, UK
I really liked this article. My SPURMO problem is that I have too many mates who like to drink and too few commitments to keep me from spending over a grand a month on going out. What else is there to do?
Barney, Birmingham, England
"You want sex and she wants career advice." Ouch! Too true.
JCG , Santa Fe, United States
From a woman's point of view (one with humour), this was a great article and extremely funny but very true. My husband and I can both relate to this as we are childfree by choice, unfortunately you find you normally only stay friends with people until they have children and leave the party!
Christine, Lake District,
Brilliant piece, it made me laugh for the first time in a while. I am happily married father of three. I can tell you it is hard work but, on balance, it is more than worth having them.
Jamal, London, UK
It was bison that roamed in herds across the North American plains.
David, Cheshire,
Stop looking and start living. People here are raised with the idea that if you don't have a GF/BF by the age of 13, you're a square. So desperation creeps in at an early age, and members of the other sex can smell it from miles away.
M. R., Stockport,
Sarah - I applaud your appreciation of self-deprecation and satirical wit.
Perhaps this is why we remain Spurmos?
Jonathan, London, UK
I have to say this is basically my life down to a 't'. I am a single 30 year old man living on his own, and everyone whom I know is either Married, Divorced or Gay. Not having a girlfriend for over a year now, I have begun to wonder if I will ever meet anyone, get married and have kids... or Gay :(
Jonathan Thomas, Sunderland, England
People talk about "finding the One", but in actual fact, most people don't and they don't care. Instead they just settle for the best they think they can get or even just for someone who will accept them. Hardly a sound basis for marriage. Anyone noticed that the divorce rate has shot up?
Michael, Nottingham,
Being early thirties myself, the problem is finding a woman who is picky. I'm not interested in getting together with one of the 90% of girls who have reached 30/31 and all that is important is to get married (to pretty much anyone) and have children. What happened to marrying a man for who he is?
Michael, Nottingham,
This article is hilarious, best i have read for a while. Some of the people on the Have Your Say section seem to take themselves very seriously!
James, Singapore,
Very funny article with some accurate descriptions of what happens to both sexes in their 30s.
Now a 44yo female SPURFO, I've new singleton friends aged 20-55 yrs, M & F, who can indulge in spur of the moment child-free pastimes. Also, the various babies no longer drool so they're fun too!
Mary, Birmingham, England
Celebrate being single, you don't want a woman that will just clear you out financially. Count your blessing, there are lots of them.
Garry, London,
The Stegosaurus was a herbivore.
Nora Miz, London, UK
Tad look on the bright side. In a few years time when they have all been divorced and fleeced by the sytem and their ex-wives they'll seek you out again because you'll be the only one with any money to buy the beer.
chris, brighton,
I know exactly where you're coming from - great article - applies to both sexes! Fancy a date?!
Claire, Maidenhead, UK
"Now, as a father of two, he nurses a pint of shandy and announces his departure at 9pm,assuming we can get him to the pub in the first place."
Lordy, isn't that the truth! :)
DJ, Leicestershire, UK
Funny funny stuff...
gerard, london,
brilliant and funny article. Witty but also food for thought. I am a very maried woman, most of my fantastic friends are men in their mid-thirties who did not find the One though. And they have very similar approach to life and their being single state of affair. Basically, good sensitive guys.
Ola, London,
This, basically, is my life - spot on. David Vinter - you didn't get old enough for this to happen, at 32 life was fine.... 2 years and 14 wedding later, all the other Spurmos were gone....
Julian, London, UK
"And when a baby kicks up a fuss, it is rewarded with boob. But if I start crying and demanding boob, I'm simply asked to leave the bus/cinema/restaurant/church."
And this man wonders why he's alone?
Sarah, London,
I think I'm a Born-again Spermo, having married, fathered and separated by 31. I miss my son and my great flat but I'm having a wild time in Africa while I hope setting him a good example of manly adventuring, which I teach him on our hols. And it's easy to meet ecclectic people in the ex-pat world!
Alan, ex-London, now Rwanda
You poor old bugger, I don't think! No surprise then that no one in the real world, wants to hold your hand. As the man said, "The course of true love never did run smooth."
John Benn., Newton Abbot., Devon.
I spent my 30's building a modest multinational business, so I didn't have a moment to spare for self-pity. I've long suspected that being an op-ed journalist is as dissatisfying for the journalist as its for the reader. Get a job that you and others can actually value and you'll feel much better.
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
Isn't it time for Andrew Milner to be given his own column?
Allan, Halver, Germany
When you find yourself on the periphery of your own society and culture, it's time to think; it it me or or is it them? If the answer is a resounding. "It's not me", then perhaps a change of scene is called for.
"Ship me somewheres east of Suez
Where the best is like the worst..."
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan
Is it possible that you should just get over your "i'm 30 and looking more like my dad every day" crisis and get out there and have fun with likeminded people? Not people of the same age as you but people who think like you? Being a 23-year-old female student i think you're missing out on great fun!
Maria, London,
brilliant article, dead on the nail , bravo ! 37/m/london (single)
Gary, islington, uk
Anyone who says yes to the second last question should be on Crimewatch.
Yuk!
Paul, London,
I just don't understand this guy, when I was between 27 and 32 I had the time of my life. The age choice of female company was wide. I was confident enough to holiday alone. 5 great years before I bought a small house and married
David Vinter, Louth,, UK.
Yes, it's wonderful, isn't it? I'm a 49-year-old female and I have more men in my life than I have time for. My, my, how the tables have turned.
PFAA, San Francisco,
I say get over your prejudices and get some gay friends. Few conform to the stereotype you suggest, the bars are much better and my gay friends all have hoards of stunning female friends who love it that you are straight. I should know, I met my wife that way and she is awesome fun.
CS, Sydney, Australia
David, it's not so difficult to understand .. he's got an acronym and a website to market.
Jon, North West, UK
Why get involved with a species that will rob you of half of your belongings` (all the cool stuff), emasculate you to the point that even you start to believe that shaving on a regular basis is a good idea, moves the remaining remnants of your stuff to the far flung reaches of the house......
Daniel, Brisbane, OZ