IT’S NOT CRICKET

Cricket kit used to be brilliant. Cricketers, like CB Fry here, looked both athletic and sophisticated. Now, in stretch polyester and Lycra, they look like dorks (and that’s before we get onto the demeaning logos and humiliating sponsors’ baseball caps). Elasticated waists are for fat American women only. And, this season, the England team have abandoned the cable-knit sweater, an excellent, practical bit of sportswear. I even wear mine warming up on the squash court. And remember how great it looked in Colditz. Is nothing sacred? I am now hunting for a proper pair of cricket trousers (the waist on my old pair has unaccountably shrunk, while the length seems fine. How did that happen?). I’ll keep you posted.

FANCY FEET

Going without socks in summer is sometimes a bit too continental. New & Lingwood, on the other hand, couldn’t be more English. These are great, but not for the office, please: nobody likes “characters”. £15 per pair; 020 7493 9621

DAVE’S DRINKS

The Bailie Nicol Jarvie, for its uncompromising label. Staggeringly, it is almost as satisfying as a single malt. Experts say: “Demanding and stern. Take time to understand it.”

I say: “Stick it in the hip flask.” £15, from Oddbins

BEYOND WRONG

“Look at me in my snazzy gear. Chicks’ll love it.” Without the help of White House aides, Bill Clinton tries a bit of colour... and fails. Where to start? The high-waisted, too-short-in-the-leg trousers Americans favour? The chunky belt? Wearing a shirt darker than your suit is best avoided and Bill’s collar is too insubstantial for that (hideous) tie. Gieves & Hawkes (020 7434 2001) has a more presidential range, and its sale has just started, so he could pick one up for £59 instead of £105. Close, Bill, but no cigar.

KEEP MOIST

We’ve all learnt that it’s good to slap a bit of moisturiser on the face, but getting out a pot of Testeronio Facial Healing Balm in the gym changing room still marks you out as a bit “suspect”. So I have Nivea in my sports bag. It says: “Yes, I am a modern man who maintains a facial regime, but I’m not bothered enough to have done anything more about it than swipe this from my wife’s dressing table.” (Meanwhile, back home, I’ve got more unguents than a small-town chemist.) From £1.25 for 30ml

MIND THE GAP

Gap shirts are very variable. From one year to the next, you never know: too flimsy and badly cut (too tight, yet too long), or just the perfect thickness and style. This year, it has got it right – though the collar is still a bit flimsy, and doesn’t look too good with a tie. Blue striped shirt, £29.50, from Gap

MILDLY IRRITATED BY ... HUW EDWARDS’S TIES ON THE BBC NEWS – THE VISUAL EQUIVALENT OF FIONA BRUCE’S INCREASINGLY INSUFFERABLE VERBAL AFFECTATIONS