Molly: One of my friends just asked me to recommend a good place to get a pedicure. There's only one small problem - he's a man.

Tad: What, you have a problem with gay men? That's very closed-minded. Not like you at all.

Molly: But this guy isn't gay. A vigorous heterosexual athlete is how I would describe him. Not that his sex appeal will hold up if he carries on sending out such metrosexual signals.

Tad: Look, I'm not a metrosexual. In fact, until recently I assumed that the term referred to a man who is turned on by the London Underground. But I will defend a man's right to moisturise.

Dear Sarah: where to start with "male grooming"?

A reader wants to know the best place to start with a higher-maintenance regime

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Molly: Having the right to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea. I recently spotted an extremely attractive man at Heathrow, but my desire wilted when his tub of Elizabeth Arden night cream was confiscated at security. He went from lone wolf to lapdog.

Tad: What are you complaining about? Here's a man who looks after himself. Isn't that what women dream of?

Molly: There's kissing someone with clean teeth and then there's being confronted by a man with a more elaborate beauty regime than your own. For every ounce of exfoliator a man applies during his lifetime he suffers a cor- responding loss of testosterone. This week we reached a new nadir with the news that Superdrug has started a line of make-up for men branded - and I kid you not - Guy-liner and Manscara.

Tad: I can't believe you're criticising men for taking an active interest in our upkeep. Believe me, if men were put on an island without women, we'd happily dispense with all personal hygiene, bar wiping our backsides. But in this female-dominated, politically correct 21st century, men have been ordered to get in touch with our feminine side if we expect to stand any chance of getting in touch with your feminine side. We've been told to dress better, clean our nails, change the nappies, clean the house, switch off the footie and cook the meals. All things considered, you're bloody lucky we haven't started menstruating.

Molly: So I'm living in a land where men will do anything to win the attention and affection of women, am I? Happy days. Please let these guys (all two of them) know i) where I live and ii) that what women want is men who are stylish without being vain. Did the kind of characters played by Cary Grant or Paul Newman make us fall in love with moisturiser? Did they hell.

Tad: They're film stars, Molly. Any time you saw them, they had, by definition, gone through the hair, costume and make-up equivalent of an auto-assembly line. On top of that, you're talking about two of the naturally best-looking men of the 20th century. For the rest of the mere mortals out there, maybe a little smoke and magic in the form of wrinkle cream and eye bag concealer is just what they need.

Molly: Since when did heterosexual men even know that things like concealer even existed?

Tad: Women sit on public transportation and do full make-up for 20 minutes in a mirror they brought with them. Yet if a man checks his reflection momentarily in the window, you brand him a preening popinjay. And at least when we groom we do it quickly. We don't agonise for half an hour over which pair of seemingly identical shoes to wear. Or need to change outfits when we're already late because we feel a bit bloaty. Most men - even those who moisturise - know that if the outfit makes them look fat... it's because they are fat.

Molly: Are you kidding? A friend of mine recently discovered that the notebook that her boyfriend kept at his bedside wasn't filled with his innermost thoughts and dreams but full of lists of various outfits he would wear over the coming week. Perhaps metrosexual men need to behave more like French women. Preen, groom and diet all you like, but do it in deepest secrecy and deny to your dying day that you do it at all.