So, we’re back in mine and Alan’s office, and, apropos of my ongoing David Niven obsession, we’re discussing the pantheon of British film actors. I say film actors, as opposed to all actors, so as to rule out the great theatrical players such as Ralph Richardson and Paul Scofield. Alan knows a lot about those guys but I wouldn’t be able to contribute, and would therefore be in danger of having to do some work instead.

I know Scofield made films, indeed won an Oscar for A Man for all Seasons, but he was primarily a star of the stage. Laurence Olivier, though, he was film and theatre, so he’s admissible, even if, whisper it, he was a bit of an old ham. Also, we’re putting TV actors to one side, so top pros like Robert Lindsay and James Bolam are outside the parameters. Ditto comedy geniuses Ronnie Barker and Leonard Rossiter.

And we’re talking British, so the taffs (Burton, Hopkins) are in, jocks too (Connery, Brian Cox), but no paddies! Thus, Richard Harris is out, and, seeing as he likes to pretend he’s Irish, Daniel Day-Lewis (a relief, because he’s a ham as well). Peter O’Toole is a tricky one, possibly born in Galway, possibly born in Leeds. Let’s boot him out, he’s overrated in any case. Liam Neeson though, he’s an Ulsterman, he’s in. Complicated place, these little islands.

And one other point. Cary Grant, while technically English, doesn’t count, otherwise he’d obviously win the thing, and that wouldn’t be fair, seeing as he emigrated to America as a teenager. Same goes for Charlie Chaplin. He’d come second, even though nobody thinks he’s funny any more. There’s also a category of those for whom it’s too soon to tell. Daniel Craig, Ewan McGregor, Jude Law, Clive Owen: think you can cope with the exclusion, lads? I’m sure you’ll find a way. And if you and I are still knocking about in ten years’ time, I can revise the list.

Hugh Grant though, he’s been around long enough already. The jury’s come in on him. Like David Niven, Hugh Grant doesn’t do much, but the little he does do, he does well. Being great on film isn’t about range, it’s about people wanting to look at you, and Alan and I both find Hugh extremely watchable. If you were constructing a Top Ten, and that seems to be the way this is going, then along with the aforementioned Olivier, Burton, Hopkins and Cox (Connery and Neeson miss out, the one by quite a long way, the other only just), Hugh’s going to be in it.

So that’s five definites already. Other contenders? Not Michael Gambon: too lazy. Not Edward Fox: too silly. Not Trevor Howard, Jack Hawkins, Richard Todd, Rex Harrison or Terence Stamp: can’t remember why, maybe we just got distracted. And not, more controversially, Christopher Lee, even though he’s one of, if not the most, consistently successful British film actors going – we reckoned he’s a one-trick pony. Or a one-trick vampire bat. And not, much more controversially, because they’re really good, Kenneth Branagh (hard to put your finger on, just leaves us a bit cold) and Jeremy Irons: we don’t like his face.

So now we’re getting somewhere. We decided to leave out Ian McKellen on the grounds he’s really a stage actor (ditto John Gielgud) and we left out Oliver Reed because he had all that talent and then blew it. You could say the same of Richard Burton, but Burton was so handsome and so sonorous we forgive him all the turkeys.

Still, we’ve got only five remaining places, and ten men we want to put in them, and that’s without any of the Carry On team, because although Kenneth Williams and Sid James probably gave more pleasure to more British people than anybody else mentioned, it was only acting inasmuch as Christmas panto is acting, wasn’t it?

I put in a word for Tom Courtenay, mostly because he is from Hull, but Alan overruled me. He wasn’t having Ralph Fiennes or Tim Roth or Robert Shaw either. Even so, besides Olivier, Burton, Hopkins, Cox and Grant, and of course David Niven, who started the whole thing off, and the eventual gold and silver medallists, soon to be revealed, after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing we still had Peter Sellers, John Hurt, James Mason, John Mills, Ben Kingsley, Dirk Bogarde and Gary Oldman, and you can’t leave out any of them, can you? We decided to make it a Top 15.

We’ve probably mislaid someone obvious. Alan Rickman? Roger Moore? ’Fraid not guys. Vinnie Jones? No, not Vinnie. Some superlative character actor, probably, like Jim Broadbent. Or Alec Guinness! How could I have forgotten Alec Guinness? Then there are ancient stars like Charles Laughton and Robert Donat, but I’ve no clue as to how good those chaps were. But I do know that Albert Finney comes second, and the winner, for longevity, variety, consistency and sheer unadulterated quality, is, of course, who else, the still great, still underrated, but not in this office, Michael Caine. Thank you and good night.

robert.crampton@thetimes.co.uk