This morning, before I sat down to write this, I killed three men. The first two I got with a good old-fashioned shotgun, and then for the third one, who was 8ft high and wearing body armour fashioned with alien technology, I had to use a pulse cannon.

That’s the thing with console games: they offer perfect escapism. I’ve been to far-off lands, driven a Murciélago at 150mph into a wall, looked for the lost Infada Stone in a jungle, emptied all manner of artillery into the French and become a Shaolin kung fu master fighting alongside a fat panda.

The other day, for the first time, I had a go on a Nintendo Wii. I fail to see the point of the Wii. I used to think it was stupid. Now, after playing on a friend’s one, I’ve changed my mind. It is, in fact, really stupid. For a start the graphics are childlike and wrong. It’s all too bright and flat, like a kids’ drink. Playing the Wii is like watching a futuristic Japanese advert in a bar in Blade Runner.

Here’s the real reason not to like it, though: the games. Wii tennis, baseball and tenpin bowling appear to be the pursuits of choice, but what the hell sort of computer game are they? They’re rubbish. You can play tennis in real life, so what’s the point of replicating it on a computer? You want to play golf? Then go outside and pick up a golfing bat, you lazy sod. Proper computer games are the ones that let you do things you can’t actually do. I want to shoot a squat alien creature right between two of its eight eyes but I can hardly nip down to the leisure centre to have a go at that, can I? Okay, granted, I could go to Asda and find something not dissimilar browsing the leggings rail, but you see my point.

I want fantasy on a games console. I want to pick up a plasma rifle at a far-flung outpost of the universe and kick some serious ass. Yes, I’m beyond terrible at it and don’t even get as far as the first checkpoint before I get killed, but, hey, rather that than a game of “recognising matching cartoon people in a crowd”, which is a game someone seriously suggested we should have a go at on the Wii. Well, whoopdy-do. Recognising people, you say? Sounds brilliant. Yeah! Let’s have a go at recognising cartoon people.

Well, no. I don’t want to recognise people. I want to take control of a class-2 energy shadow transporter and go up against the Covenant in my quest to destroy the Halo network while elite fighters rain down holy fire as I race for cover on a barren planet. And what have they got on the Wii? Duck-shooting.

“But the Wii keeps you fit,” they bleat. So what? The Xbox is far more important than that. Come the day when the Earth is at war with invaders from the skies, I want my nephew Kai on the front line because he’s already a lieutenant commando first class (recon) and he’s only two. We’ll need his skills in the future. Frankly, if he’d been playing on a Wii then I’m afraid mankind’s only hope when the aliens arrived would be that, rather than all-out interstellar conflict, all they wanted was a skiing competition.

You want exercise? Okay, what you need to do is this. Take the Wii to an actual, real-life bowling alley. Line yourself up carefully, with the Wii gripped firmly in your hand. Now, when you’re comfy, run full pelt down the lane as fast as you can. Then, when you get to the pins, use them to smash up the Wii. And then take the bits to the park and throw them at a duck.

If Nintendo or anyone else wants to send Jon a Wii, he’s happy to give it a second chance because he’s a hypocrite.

His radio show is on BBC6 Music on Saturday afternoons, 2-4pm