So you wait ages for an Eighties comeback and then two come along at once. Yes, Michael Jackson’s back, along with the IRA. They’ve got a lot in common, don’t you think? They’re both quite scary, they’re both seemingly made up of lots of different bits and pieces and they both don’t like anyone to see their faces.

Last week one of these two stars of yesteryear announced that they will soon be performing at the O2 Arena, but don’t get excited, because I’m afraid it’s Jackson. Shame. I’d pay good money to see the IRA moonwalking across a stage into the arms of the police. Anyway, Jacko sold out in record time and consequently there was much wailing from those who now won’t get to see their tuna-melt-faced idol in London. But despair ye not, Jackson fans, because I’ve got an idea.

At its northwest corner, Trafalgar Square has an empty plinth. It has nothing useful to offer but there it is anyway, vacantly occupying space. It’s the display equivalent of Vernon Kay. But what we could do is get Jacko on it and then we could all gawp at him like the Victorians used to do with Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man.

They’ve just relinquished control of the concrete top to Antony Gormley, the noted metal-hammerer, and his plan is to let members of the great British public hop up there and do whatever they like. Now I like Gormley, and I like his work, but he hasn’t thought this through. Members of the great British public are notoriously cynical when it comes to visual demonstrations of pretentious, arty tosspottery. All you have to do is think back to when nobody’s favourite wizard, David Blaine, put himself in a box hanging over the Thames to starve. Mostly he was kept awake all night by the great British public hitting golf balls at him or standing underneath bellowing up at him that he was all kinds of git.

So what else? Well, it’s an ideal car exhibition space. Like a mini motor show, Aston Martin could use it to display something lovely, or Jeremy Clarkson could drive a Hummer onto it and sit there revving the engine to annoy green people. Or how about Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone wrestling naked atop it, like Alan Bates and Oliver Reed in Women in Love? The winner gets London. Yes, that’s what we want, old-fashioned spectacle. We could bring back public hanging, although as this is the 21st century, viewers want more from their entertainment, so I imagine it’d have to be Public Hanging on Ice. It’d be a BBC1 Saturday-night hit.

I’ve got some more ideas too. Also on the fourth plinth we could have a statue of Carol Thatcher dressed as a golliwog; a Starbucks; a wind turbine; Sauron’s eye from The Lord of the Rings; a statue of Bono shedding a tear on behalf of the world’s poor; or perhaps Heston Blumenthal cooking the plinth for a new Channel 4 show and feeding it to celebrities.

Too modern? Okay, what about a traditional statue, then? The most interesting one I can think of is the great big clunky bronze one that came to life in the film Jason and the Argonauts. I think he was called Talos and his job, according to mythology, was to protect Crete from invading ships by throwing rocks at them.

And — yes — Michael Jackson could teach him to dance. Imagine what a draw for Jacko fans and tourists that would be: a big, metal, mythological man clanking and moonwalking while Jackson stands on the plinth going “yowww” and grabbing his crotch. Honestly, with all my good ideas, I don’t know why they haven’t made me London mayor.

Jon Holmes writes and performs on The Now Show on BBC Radio 4, Fridays at 6.30pm, repeated Saturdays at 12.30pm