Geography can be a bitch – especially to readers of newspaper reviews. Take Giles Coren’s piece today. It’s good, cruelly so: jolly funny (as per) and GC paints a picture so appetising it makes you want to go yourself, right now, and wrap Notting Hill’s finest foot-long capricciosa around your fat, greedy face.

Then geography intervenes. If the restaurant, play or whatever isn’t in your burg, you’re scuppered. Unlike restaurant or drama critics, Token Male has a choice: I can witter on about products available online or nationally.

Today, though, I must swerve from that course to reveal the identity of the most mind-blowing, back-cracking massage artist I have encountered. There have been many: thanks to a car accident that left me with never-ending back pain, I’m massage-dependent. Swedish, Thai, sports, lomi lomi, myofascial all have their upsides. But it has to be hard; so hard your muscles scream. Too many massages don’t do that. You fork out for whale song, fluffy towels and a desultory prod. It’s lady-massage.

This is why I’ve been keeping Fai to myself for two years. She’s tiny, Thai, and works out of a Chinese hair and nail joint called Elegant Studio in Gerrard Street, London (I know, I’m sorry). If you’ve got a high pain threshold, ask her to stand on you. It’s cheap: £30 for 50 minutes, or £45 for 90 – but tip big if you like her style. If you like massage, you will.

Apologies for being geographically specific, but today’s column is a public service. And Fai’s worth travelling from Stornoway for.

Elegantstudio.co.uk; 020-7287 7878

tokenmale@thetimes.co.uk