We have the same row over and over again, never solving anything

Having the same row is common enough and the result is that we get so used to what our partner is going to say that we switch off mentally because we’ve heard it a million times before. So the next time it happens, try to take a mental leap and imagine things from your partner’s point of view.

Do the following:

- Imagine, just for the minute, that everything your partner says is true. Strip away all your justifications and explanations, and look at the argument through your partner’s eyes.

- Ask yourself, honestly, whether he or she has a point. Then ask yourself what you would change if he or she does have a point. The exercise is worthwhile, even if you still believe that your partner is wrong.

By making a step in his or her direction, and explaining why you have shifted, your partner is likely to return the favour and change, too.

I don’t feel appreciated

Even if everything in the house is running smoothly, it’s common for both partners to feel taken for granted or not truly loved. At worst, you can feel like strangers. The responsibilities of being an adult mean that we can lose our childlike sense of wonder and possibility. The solution is to find different ways of having fun together, without taking risks that your relationship may sink further into a rut.

There are three main types of intimate activity that you may have been missing out on. Work out which it is and try to rectify it.

- Tranquil activities: going to the beach and skimming stones.

- Exciting activities: a weekend in a foreign city or a rollercoaster ride together.

- Achievement activities: going for a long walk, or starting a parttime business together on eBay.

I don’t have lasting relationships; nothing ever seems to get off the ground

If you want to settle down but nothing has happened yet, it is easy to become bitter and to generalise that all single men are losers and all single women are bitter. The trouble is that blaming your exes can stop you learning the things that will help you to find true love in the long term.

The solution is to do a bit of self-analysis. Try to look back at your previous relationship as if you were an onlooker.

- Take a sheet of paper and down the left side write all your ex-partner’s failings that might have contributed to the break-up.

- On the right side, do the same thing for yourself.

- Look over both columns to see whether there are links. Can you make the left side correspond with the right? For example, if you wrote on the left, “My ex always pushed for more sex”, it might correspond with “I used sex as a weapon to get my own back on him” on the right.

- Repeat the process for all the relationships you have had, look for common patterns and ask yourself: what could I do differently next time?

My partner and I can never agree on financial priorities

In every relationship, one person becomes the saver (responsible for keeping the family budget on track) and the other the spender (making certain that money brings pleasure). However, it only takes a small crisis for both sides to become more extreme versions of themselves. So do the following:

- Tell each other a story from your childhood that sums up what money represents, eg, freedom, security or love.

- Try properly to understand each other’s position.

- Write down your top three financial goals, compare the results and discuss how you can make them happen.

TRY THIS...

If arguments with your partner always seem to be going nowhere, both of you could complete a compromise circle.

Draw a big circle and within it a smaller circle. In the inner one, write all the things you feel so strongly about that you can’t give in on them.

In the outer circle, write the things you think you can compromise on. Then give it to your partner. This helps you to understand your own outlook and gives your partner some vital clues on how to conduct future negotiations.

Based on an idea by Nina Grunfeld in her book The Big Book of Us (Short Books).

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