I seem to be engaged in constant battles with my children

Take a step back and look at how you interact. If you relate to your children in an over-authoritarian manner, they will rebel. But if children feel that they have some control over their lives (particularly important during the toddler and teen years, when they are establishing independence), they will be more reasonable. So if you don’t like w hat they want to do, or they refuse to do something, suggest a compromise: “You can go to the party, but you’ll have to be home at 11pm, and I will collect you.”

Treat your kids how you’d like to be treated yourself. Try imagining yourself in a boardroom debating a tricky point with a client. You wouldn’t fly into a rage and put them on the “naughty step”. Respect is mutual and earned. If you encourage reasonable discussion to resolve issues, they will learn that it’s the best way to get what they want.

Sometimes our pride and frustration stand in the way of healthy communication. So sit down now and work out three or four things that are really important to you (courtesy, help around the house, sticking to a curfew, etc) and focus on those.

My children don’t seem to understand the word “no”

From toddlerhood onwards, “no” is guaranteed to put children’s backs up. So make a mental note to use it sparingly. For toddlers, try “careful”, “stop”, “that’s dangerous” or — farther up the scale — “I’m not happy with that” or “that’s not a good idea”. Most important, explain why you’re not happy. Children feel powerless with no room for negotiation, so make your case clear and then invite some healthy debate. If it really matters and you say “no”, make sure that you mean it.

I’m totally frazzled looking after demanding kids

Juggling family life can be a nightmare, but there’s a good trick to make it easier. Create a team mentality and work ethic. Everyone has a role, and even toddlers can take part. Three-year-olds can carry laundry up and down stairs, sort it into colours, and tidy their toys. From there it gets easier; tablesetting, collecting rubbish from household bins.

Put a list of “chores” on the fridge and ask the children to choose what they will do that week. Put aside a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday morning for a regular blitz, in which every family member takes part. Encourage kids to see that getting things done fast means that parents are free for fun. You can reward them for work done with extra pocket money. For good results, encourage and praise.

I lose my temper too easily

First of all, accept that parenting isn’t easy. Next, when you feel your temper rising, count to ten. Ten seconds is exactly the time it takes for an adrenalin surge to dissipate, so you’ll be in a better frame of mind (and body) to react appropriately. Next, find the funny side. Even if you’re really fed up, try to stand back and appreciate the fact that there is something humorous about an adult arguing with a toddler, or even a teenager.

TRY THIS...

Sometimes it seems as if we haven’t the time we need for our families and those we love, or we feel estranged from them. Drawing a circle of life might help you to understand what is happening.

Draw a big circle representing your life.

Now choose a problem you want to focus on, say, family relationships, and draw yourself as a circle within the big circle.

Now draw circles representing the people involved in your problem, as you see them relating to you; the size of their circle proportionate to their importance to you, the position of their circle representing how you see them in relationship to you.

The circles can overlap, and you can add circles for other important areas of your life, such as work.

Having represented visually the way things are, you can draw a circle of life the way you would like things to be, and start considering how to get from one to another.

Adapted from Nina Grunfeld’s idea in The Big Book of Us (Short Books).

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