And so it came to pass that God plucked five days from hell and two from heaven, put them together and said: “I give thee 52 of these. Don’t waste the good bits.” But Man didst not listen, and Woman took the Lord’s word to mean that Saturday and Sunday could be spent at Ikea. And the Lord was vexed for He knew Ikea to be purgatory.

So He sent an angel who appeared unto me in a dream and said: “Thou must write a guide for mankind, and it shall have 52 ideas for 52 cracking weekends, and it shall take into account bank holidays and the 8.4 sickies the average worker skiveth every year.” And lo! It was done.

Package prices, unless otherwise stated, are per person, B&B, and include flights from London and transfers. For regional departure options, ask the operator. UK breaks do not include flights

JANUARY

4-6 New York sales
If you couldn’t get out there before Christmas, lucky you – because now’s the best time to visit. The sales are in full swing, the hordes have retreated and a crisp air of sophistication has returned to Gotham. Virgin Holidays (0871 222 0304, www.virginholidays.com) has a last-minute two nights in the uptown Jumeirah Essex House for £539.

11-13 Extreme skiing
Luxury Ski Hotel of the Year La Pleta (www.lapleta.com) is offering an adrenaline-packed extreme-skiing weekend – including heli-skiing instruction, off-piste excursions, moonlit picnics and use of its Occitania spa – for £828, excluding flights. Fly to Toulouse with EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) or BA (0870 850 9850, www.ba.com).

18-20 Winter sun
It’s a month since midwinter, and your seasonal affective disorder is firmly established. The cure is readily available, but you need to fly to Morocco to find it. Fleewinter (020 7112 0019, www.fleewinter.com) has two nights in the gorgeous Dar Charkia, near Marrakesh’s throbbing Djemaa el Fna, for £250. Get your solar radiation therapy on the roof.

25-27 Sheer elegance
It’s black-tie and evening gowns for the fabulously romantic Wiener Arzteball, the most elegant of Vienna’s balls – and if you call Brigitte on 00 43 1 5150 11256, you might even be allowed to dance in the opening ceremony. Tickets cost £60 (5150 11234), and British Airways Holidays (0870 243 3406, www.ba.com/holidays) has a two-night package, staying at the five-star Hotel Imperial, for £411.

FEBRUARY

1-3 Midwinter mountaineering
Leave London on the overnight sleeper to Fort William and awaken in a winter wonderland where the mountain guide Mike Pescod is waiting with crampons, ice axes, helmets and rather a lot of rope. A two-day course costs £320 with Abacus Mountaineering (01397 772466, www.abacusmountaineering.com); a bunk at the Ben Nevis Inn (01397 701227, www.ben-nevis-inn.co.uk) costs £14; and a return on the sleeper from London Euston starts at £95 with First Scotrail (0845 755 0033, www.firstgroup.com).

8-10 Carnival
Rio’s too far for the weekend, so try Las Palmas, in Gran Canaria, where the world’s second-biggest carnival reaches its climax this weekend with fireworks, bonfires and allnight beach parties. Pack Alka-Seltzer. Two nights at the Sheraton Salobre (00 34 928 943000, www.sheraton.com/grancanaria) cost £130pp. Fly there with BA (0870 850 9850, www.ba.com).

15-17 Pop the question
2008 is a leap year, ladies, but if you fancy your chances this Valentine’s weekend, you need to pick the right spot. Jennifer Cox, author of Around the World in 80 Dates, says that the place to pop the question is Seville, the city of Carmen and flamenco. Seasons in Style (01244 202000, www.seasonsinstyle.com) proposes two nights at the suitably seductive Alfonso XIII hotel for £790.

22-24 Skiing for sloths
How about a weekend in the Hotel Rosa Alpina, in the Italian Dolomites, where snow sports play third fiddle to the Michelin-starred St Hubertus restaurant and the Daniela Steiner spa? There, the skiing is merely a means to an end, and the end is usually lunch. Two nights cost £451 with Original Travel (020 7978 7333, www.originaltravel.co.uk).

29-2 Springtime in Yorkshire
“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant,” wrote Charlotte Brontë. Welcome the new season from the cottage of Branwell, in her home village, Haworth. A path from the garden leads to the ruins of Top Withens, renamed Wuthering Heights by Charlotte’s sister Emily. The cottage sleeps two; £198 for two nights with Rural Retreats (01386 701177, www.ruralretreats.co.uk).

MARCH

7-9 Learn to make biodiesel
Help to save the world by learning to make your own biodiesel at the Centre for Alternative Technology, in Powys (01654 705950, www.cat.org.uk). The course covers building a home refinery and sourcing cooking oil, but the prospectus says nothing about stopping your car smelling like a chip shop; £330 for two nights.

14-16 Take cover in Valencia
If you haven’t been to Las Fallas, imagine a Caribbean carnival marrying a Latin American fiesta and going on honeymoon in Baghdad. Awe-inspiringly insane, this celebration of satire and fire is the most fun you can have with alcohol and explosives. Stay at the Confortel Aqua from £140pp for two nights, with Hotels4u (0870 729 1414, www.hotels4u.com). Fly to Valencia with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com) or Clickair (www.clickair.com).

21-23 Easter in Andalusia
Malaga is home to Spain’s most passionate Easter celebrations. Semana Santa there is as solemn and spooky as it is stupendously beautiful, peaking with the procession of La Virgen de la Piedad on Good Friday night. Three nights at the Parador de Malaga Gibralfaro (00 34 952 221902, www.parador.es) cost £330 per couple. Airlines serving Malaga include Monarch (www.flymonarch.com) and Jet2 (www.jet2.com).

28-30 Scilly walks
There are 20 themed hikes to enjoy during this celebration of strolling in the sunny Scillies (www.walkscilly.co.uk): choose from archeology and gardens, castles and cliffs, or birds on the beach. Stay at the 16th-century Star Castle Hotel (01720 422317, www.star-castle.co.uk), which has two nights, half-board, from £299pp, including return helicopter flights from Penzance.

APRIL

4-6 The colours of Keukenhof
Holland enjoys its best light in April, when colours spill from the polder with the clarity of Vermeer. A visit to the Keukenhof gardens is like wading through God’s paintbox. Stay at the Hotel Nieuw Minerva (00 31 71 512 6358, www.nieuwminerva.nl), in nearby Leiden, where a double costs £80 a night. Fly to Amsterdam with EasyJet (www.easyjet.com); the train fare to Leiden is £8 return and entrance to the gardens is £9.85.

11-13 Istanbul not Constantinople
As the song says: “Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople, so if you’ve a date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Istanbul.” And you’ll need a private guide to find her. Exclusive Escapes (020 8605 3500, www.exclusiveescapes.co.uk) offers three nights, B&B, at the Sirkeci Konak from £600, including transfers, that private guide and flights to Istanbul. Not Constantinople.

18-20 Thalassotherapy in Cornwall
There are two ways to get a seaweed wrap at the child-friendly Bedruthan Steps hotel (01637 860555, www.bedruthan. com). The first is to take a surfing lesson using its wimp-friendly, heated wetsuits. The second is to check into its new all-organic spa. Weekends start at £166pp for two nights, including dinner.

25-27 Learn to sail
The Royal Yachting Association’s Start Yachting course will teach you the ropes on the River Dart before you head out on a voyage along the coast to Salcombe. The price is £190 for two nights, including tuition, on-board accommodation and meals, with Nonstop Sail (01803 833399, www.nonstopsail.com).

MAY

2-4 Bank holiday on the Royal Scot
Spend a luxury weekend on the West Highland Line exploring what is arguably Europe’s most scenic railway. The Royal Scot leaves Edinburgh on a three-night meander through a wild landscape of glen, loch and mountain. The price is £2,530 with Orient-Express (0845 077 2222, www.orient-express.com).

9-11 Boy racer
Fancy yourself as Lewis Hamilton? Care to prove it on the streets of Monte Carlo? Book a two-night Room and Vroom weekend at the Fairmont (00 1 506 863 6310, www.fairmont.com) for £337pp and they’ll lend you a Ferrari with which to take to the streets and scare the bejesus out of whoever’s sitting next to you.

16-18 Spanish wine
Learn to tell your tempranillo from your graciano with a wine weekend in the Spanish village of El Ciego. The Frank Gehry-designed Marques de Riscal offers you the chance to drink the local vintage – and to bathe in the stuff, too, at its Vinotherapie spa. A two-night luxury break costs £821pp, including car hire, with Kirker Holidays (020 7593 2288 www.kirkerholidays.com).

23-25 Giddy up
Can’t ride? No problem. Book a beginners’ riding package at the CampoReal resort (www.camporealhotel.com), near Lisbon, and you’ll receive three hours’ instruction per day and use of the spa. Prices start at £388pp for three nights, half-board; flights with TAP Portugal (0845 601 0932, www.flytap.com) are from about £200.

30-1 Aegean escape
Now is the best time to visit the Aegean: the days are long and warm, the hills are garlanded with wild flowers, and the only footprints on the pine-fringed beaches of the Sithonia peninsula, in Halkidiki, northern Greece, will be yours. So keep shtoom and book a three-night break at the Danai Beach Resort for £920 with Seasons in Style (01244 202000, www.seasonsinstyle.com).

JUNE

6-8 Punting on the Cam
It’s easy. You put on a floaty summer frock and sit there looking pretty – while the wife struggles with a 16ft pole. Obviously, you’ve preordered your picnic from Fitzbillies (01223 352500, www.fitzbillies.com), and it goes without saying that you’re heading upstream to Grantchester meadows. A two-night stay for two at Cambridge’s new Hotel du Vin (01223 227330, www.hotelduvin.com) costs £550, including dinner one night and chauffeured punt.

13-15 Isle of Wight Festival
The Sex Pistols, Kaiser Chiefs and the Police headline at this year’s event, but tickets are already virtually sold out. If you’re quick, though, you can snap up some from the ferry operator Wightlink (0871 376 1000, www.wightlink.co.uk) which has camping passes from £145.

20-22 Paddling with sharks
Sea kayaking is the most fun you can have sitting down – and on a guided camping adventure on the Isle of Man, you’ve a good chance of spotting seals, dolphins and even basking sharks. Ideal for beginners, the two-night trip costs £295pp with T7 (08700 115822, www.t7adventure.travel).

27-29 A very Cornish festival
Join in the annual Golowan festival, in Penzance, a week-long celebration of summer that culminates this weekend with Mazey Day, a Cornishcopia of fireworks, music, parades, a mock election and pasties. Recover at the stylish Cove hotel (01736 731411, www.thecovecornwall.com), where a one-bedroom apartment starts at £245 per night.

JULY

4-6 Explore Madeira
Madeira’s levadas are a network of ancient irrigation channels, and the paths that run beside them are perfect for exploring the lush beauty of this vertiginous isle; but, because they follow the contours, the walking is easy. Stay at the Quinta da Bela Vista, a 19th-century manor where Sovereign (0871 664 0227, www.sovereign.com) has two nights from £319.

11-13 The Ischia Film Festival
If you find Cannes slightly passé, join the Hollywood elite at the Regina Isabella hotel for the exclusive Ischia Global Film and Music Festival (www.ischiaglobal.com), chaired by Paul Haggis, director of the Oscar-winning Crash. The alfresco screenings are all free, but spare some time to explore Ischia’s gorgeous coves in the hotel’s speedboat. Abercrombie & Kent (0845 618 2213, www.abercrombiekent.co.uk) has three nights for £871.

18-20 Festa del Redentore, Venice
Unlike the carnival, the Festival of the Redeemer remains a truly Venetian celebration – the city’s way of celebrating the end of the great plague. Wooden pontoons across the lagoon are stuffed with fireworks and, as hundreds of gorgeously decorated boats gather in the basin, spectators are treated to one of Europe’s most spectacular pyrotechnic displays, after which everyone heads to the Lido to await sunrise. Citalia (0871 664 0253, www.citalia.com) has two nights at the Bauer hotel for £401.

25-27 Nicer than Nice
Spend the weekend on the stylish Ile de Ré, the Atlantic island the French are calling “the new Riviera”. Right now, the restaurants have tables, the beaches are accessible, and the stallholders at Le Bois Plage market are still smiling, but next week the Parisians arrive. Enjoy the peace at the pretty Hôtel de Toiras (00 33 546 35 40 32, www.hotel-de-toiras.com) for £97pp per night. Fly to La Rochelle with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com), EasyJet (www.easyjet.com), Flybe (www.flybe.com) or Jet2 (www.jet2.com).

AUGUST

1-3 Total eclipse
Polish your golden compass and head to Svalbard for the solar eclipse. The icy archipelago, deep in the Arctic, is home to more polar bears than people. They’ll be the ones without the dark glasses. A three-night adventure starts at £835 with Original Travel (020 7978 7333, www.originaltravel.co.uk).

8-10 Brecon Jazz
You won’t see this on the website (www.breconjazz. co.uk), but reliable sources inform me that the headline act for this year’s 25th-anniversary event will be Van Morrison. When this leaks out, accommodation is going to evaporate, so book early – try the rather elegant Peterstone Court hotel (01874 665387, www.peterstone-court.com), where doubles start at £160 per night.

15-17 Live Tarzan-style
Go out on a limb at La Croix du Vieux Pont, in Berny-Rivière, north of Paris, where you can spend the weekend sleeping 25ft off the ground in a thatched treehouse. The weekend costs £692 for a family of two adults and up to four children, including return ferry crossings, with Keycamp (0844 406 0319, www.keycamp.co.uk).

22-24 Off to Neverland
Spend your August bank holiday on Eilean Shona, a private Scottish island. The enchanted forest, glowering hills and white-sand beach made it a favourite of JM Barrie, the author of Peter Pan, and now the entire place – which sleeps up to 12 adults and six children – is yours from £3,500 for three nights, full-board (01967 431249, www.eileanshona.com).

29-31 Adventure with the kids
Try to keep up with the children on a guided family activity weekend in the Lake District. Spend Saturday canoeing and hill-walking, then Sunday climbing, gorge-scrambling and abseiling. The price for two nights is £325 for grown-ups, full-board (£245 for children aged 8 and up), with Activities Abroad (01670 789991, www.activitiesabroad.com).

SEPTEMBER

5-7 Sidi Bou Saïd
Some say that this Tunisian seaside village is the prettiest in the Mediterranean. Judge for yourself by staying at the boutique hotel Dar Saïd and exploring its narrow streets, courtyards and gardens. The price is £525 for two nights with Wigmore Holidays (020 7836 4999, www.aspectsoftunisia.co.uk).

12-14 Hang 10
Try Britain’s newest, and most consistent, surf breaks on the £1m artificial reef off Boscombe beach. Rural Retreats (01386 701177, www.ruralretreats.co.uk) has three nights at Beach View cottage, which sleeps eight, for £900 – or £112.50 per head.

19-21 Forget the diet
Feast your eyes and feed your face at the Abergavenny Food Festival, an orgy of gluttony that lasts two Dionysian days. There’ll be masterclasses, tastings, demonstrations and more than 100 stalls selling organic, hand-reared, homemade, locally sourced fare. Stay at the Felin Fach Griffin Inn (01874 620111, www.eatdrinksleep.ltd.uk), an award-winning gastropub, for £97 per room per night.

26-28 Umbria by horse
Saddle up at sunrise and ride out through the autumnal early-morning mist, visiting medieval castles, ancient convents, artisans’ workshops, olive-oil presses and wineries, pausing for a picnic lunch on the way. Real Holidays (020 7359 3938, www.realholidays.co.uk) has two nights at La Casella, a country-house hotel, for £319, including the riding excursion.

OCTOBER

3-5 Stand and stare
Take in the views from the Caesar Augustus hotel, on Capri (00 39 081 837 3395, www.caesar-augustus.com), which is perched on a precipice 1,000ft above an azure sea. The view from here is often said to be the best in the world, so my advice is to stay put and gawp. Vesuvius-view doubles cost £398 per night. Fly to Naples with BA (www. ba.com), BMI (www.flybmi.com) or EasyJet (www.easyjet.com). The ferry from Naples costs £22 return.

10-12 City of Night
The lights stay on in Paris as the capital enjoys a nuit blanche, with museums, monuments, galleries and bars open from dusk until dawn. Kirker Holidays (020 7593 2288, www.kirkerholidays.com) has two nights at the Notre Dame hotel, first-class returns on Eurostar and Métro tickets for £446.

17-19 Haggis-hunting
Seek out Scotland’s scarcest species on a Highland photographic safari at the Brahan Estate, near Inverness. A skilled tracker will show you roe deer, red kites, ospreys, buzzards, badgers, pine martens and perhaps wildcats – or even feral haggis. A self-catering weekend for four costs £253, including guiding, with Hoseasons (0844 847 1100, www.hoseasons.co.uk). Fly to Inverness with BA (0870 850 9850, www.ba.com) or Easyjet (www.easyjet.com).

24-26 Tangerine dream
Now is a great time to be in Palermo, Sicily’s frenetic capital. First off, it’s still deliciously warm, but with fewer tourists. Second, it’s the start of the mandarin season, and the fragrant crop can be bought from the city’s lively markets and stalls. Third, it’s cheap: two nights at the romantic Hotel Letizia cost £212 with Real Holidays (020 7359 3938, www.realholidays.co.uk).

31-2 The haunting
Spend Hallowe’en at Muncaster Castle (01229 717614, www. muncaster.co.uk), which is said to be the most haunted house in Britain. Among the ghosts that roam the precincts of this remote Lakeland pile are a headless carpenter, supposedly murdered by a sadistic jester, Tom the Fool, and the angry spirit of Mary Bragg, who was hanged from the ramparts by drunken youths.Ghost tours take place every night this weekend; if you’re brave enough, you can stay in the Coachman’s Quarters for £35pp per night, based on two sharing and including breakfast – if you can hack it that long.

NOVEMBER

7-9 Poppyfield tour
Mark the 90th anniversary of the end of the first world war with a self-drive tour of the Somme. Somme Battlefield Tours (01202 880211,www.somme-battlefields.com) provides excellent guide packs, with trench maps and superb commentaries. Two nights cost £283, including ferry crossings and accommodation.

14-16 Twitching in Norfolk
If you don’t know your blacktailed godwit from your red-necked grebe, you’d better book a place on the expert twitcher Tom McJannet’s bird-watching weekend in the Cley Marshes, an avian paradise. You might even see a bittern or a marsh harrier. The two-night trip costs £225, including guesthouse accommodation, with Naturetrek (01962 733051, www.naturetrek.co.uk).

21-23 Painting in the Cotswolds
Work on your watercolours in the gentle autumn landscape of the Cotswolds. Based at the Bear of Rodborough hotel, you’ll be shown how to use paint, brushes and papers before heading out to practise your newly learnt techniques. All equipment is provided, and the cost is £369 for two nights with Andalucian Adventures (01453 834137, www.andalucian-adventures.co.uk).

28-30 Opera in Budapest
The Emperor Franz Josef allowed the Budapest opera house to be built on the condition that it was smaller than the Vienna opera house – but he didn’t stipulate that it had to be less beautiful. They say he kicked himself when he saw it. InterContinental (00 36 1 327 6333, www.intercontinental.com) can put together a package comprising a private box and two nights in a Danube-view room for £210pp. Fly to Budapest with Malev (www.malev.com), EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) or BA (www.ba.com).

DECEMBER

5-7 Christmas shopping
Bernkastel, in the Mosel, is home to the prettiest Christmas market in Germany – a half-timbered winter Wunderland of gingerbread, marzipan and gluhwein. Two nights at the Weinromantikhotel cost £195, excluding flights, with Germania Travel (01202 580757, www.germaniatravel.com). Fly to Karlsruhe with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com ).

12-14 More Christmas shopping
Everybody knows about Christmas shopping in New York – huge crowds, exhausting treks, expensive hotels – but those in the know head for Boston, home to the same shops and the same bargains, but without any of the stress or that annoying 8.375% sales tax. It’s closer, too. Two nights at Boston’s grande dame, the Fairmont Copley, start at £412 with BA Holidays (0870 243 3406, www.ba.com/holidays).

19-21 Prefestive detox
Prepare for your Christmas retox with a weekend at the cutting-edge Tschuggen Bergoase in Arosa, high in the Swiss Alps. The idea is that you ski all morning and spend the afternoon in the ultra-modern Mario Botta-designed spa. The price is £805 for two nights with Powder Byrne (020 8246 5300, www.powderbyrne.com).

25-28 Mara Christmas
With Christmas Day falling on a Thursday next year, the holiday becomes the longest weekend of the year – so stuff the turkey and head instead to the mesmerising Masai Mara, in Kenya, for a three-night safari at Kicheche Bush Camp. With Safari Consultants (01787 888590, www.safari-consultants.co.uk), the price is £1,870, full-board, including Christmas lunch. And a cracker.

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