THE problem with having celebrity friends - apart from them being more
important than you, and people ignoring you when you're out with them, and
them being nominated for Baftas when the most interesting thing that
happened to you that day was pulling a particularly long in-growing hair out
of your shin - is that there are few places you can go with them.
Since I became the great showbiz pal of John “Life on Mars/The Master from
Doctor Who” Simm and his family, I have seen, first hand, how vexing it is
to have people video you with their mobile, hassle you or, as happened at
the Glastonbury Festival, have someone come right up in your face, point
between your eyes and shout “FA-MOOOOUS!”
No wonder all famous people only ever go on holiday to Babington House or
Richard Branson's villa on Necker: they're the only places people leave them
alone.
Phew-eee, then, for The Elms, the latest in the Luxury Family Hotel chain,
snuggled in the midst of the fertile charms of Worcestershire, where both
our families invaded for the weekend. The Luxury Family Hotel chain has long
honed a discreet manner with its advantageously waged clients.
Last time I was down at Moonfleet Manor in Dorset, Imelda Staunton was there,
three days after her Oscar nomination, and everyone was so “Yeah, it's
Imelda Staunton” that even I didn't stare. Much.
As one has come to expect from Luxury Family Hotels, the newly hatched Elms is
patience itself when The Master appears to pull a celebrity strop, and does
not come down to dinner until 9.30pm. This is long, long after all the other
diners have left the dining room, and moved on to coffee by the fire. And
why has The Elms had to keep its kitchen serenely open an extra hour, Mr
Celebrity?
“The baby pissed all over my jeans, and they're the only trousers I've got,”
Simm says, looking traumatised, and knocking back a whole glass of champagne
in one. “I've been standing there for an hour, blow-drying my crotch with
the hairdryer. My knackers are scalding.”
We've all decamped to Worcestershire in order, to be frank, to dump our kids
on The Elms' amazing, free, day-long Ofsted-registered crèche, and spend all
day in the bar drinking cocktails and fine wines. The Elms is so
family-friendly - cots, bottles, high teas at 6pm, family rooms,
baby-listening and the aforementioned crèche - that we figure everyone will
be a winner.
Within its honey- coloured Georgian walls, formal gardens and well-appointed
playground, the children (6, 6, 4 and 6 months) will be as happy as
sandboys. And within its dark, woody, modern bar - all Farrow & Ball and
leather - the thirtysomethings will get increasingly bleary, and maybe tell
the real story of what it was like to go out with Baby Spice in 1996.
However, as is often the way with parenting, we become unaccountably guilty
within minutes of arriving, and decide to spend the day with the kids at the
nearby West Midland Safari Park instead. The Elms has a stash of tickets for
the park at reception, so after a 15-minute drive, we can go straight in. We
sample the delights of a giraffe sticking its whole head in the car and
eating the animal feed out of the screaming children's hands.
Back at the Elms, the kids get busy making masks in the crèche, while the
grown-ups do that “freshening up” thing in the well-appointed bedrooms
(fluffy robes! decanters of sherry! Roberts' radios, Ethernet and LCD TVs!)
and prepare themselves for dinner.
And, my God, if the Elms has two killer points, it's the crèche and the chef,
Darren Bale. Over a seven-course taster menu, we happy diners sporadically
say things like “Oh, dear God!” “My pork!” and “There's some serious cheese
going on here”.
Indeed, The Elms' cheese has already won Best British Cheeseboard of the Year
2007, and no wonder. If there's anything that could possibly top the
dissolvingly tender rare beef with truffle mash, it's the trolley of
impeccably sourced local cheeses, served with four different ports, and a
great deal of pride. This is the best food I've had all year.
The Elms isn't perfect. The rooms vary radically in size and decor, and are
all quite stuffy. There could be more toys and board games and the dining
rooms retain the corporate feel the hotel had before its £500,000 revamp.
But the food, hospitality and childcare are superlative. And when, in May,
the hotel sees the opening of Britain's first “family friendly” spa it will
be pretty hard to beat The Elms as a luxury family-friendly retreat, whether
you're a top celebrity or not.
Need to know
The Elms, Abberley, Worcester (01299 896666, www.luxuryfamily
hotels.co.uk) offers half board doubles for two adults and one child
from £215. Two inter- connecting rooms are from £456 including dinner and
breakfast for two adults, and up to three children (meals extra). The new
Aquae Sulis Spa and Pear Terrace outdoor cookery demonstration area will
open on May 16.
Champagne and crèches
THE 18th-century Italianate exterior of Ickworth capped by a rotunda looks so
imposing as we draw up the very long driveway that I start to wonder if I've
come to the right place with a toddler and a lively eight-year-old nephew.
Yet the East Wing, former home to the Hervey family before the debauched John
Hervey, 7th Marquess of Bristol, had to sell the lease, is the flagship of
Von Essen's clutch of Luxury Family Hotels. The Hervey family's loss is
quite definitely a parent's gain.
It may look posh on the outside, but the line of different-sized wellies to
borrow by the door signals the relaxed atmosphere within.
The rooms are stunning - an ornate mirror here, a chandelier and windowseat
overlooking formal gardens there - though as my nephew points out, the
televisions are too small.
There's lots more for the kids, though, with a free crèche near the spa in the
basement and a teenagers room, which could do with a bit of a revamp.
There's also a pool, though it's in a draughty outbuilding, which isn't
great in winter.
Where Ickworth falls short compared with The Elms is the eating experience.
The informal conservatory restaurant is rather an odd place to eat, the
choice small, and my steak tough. The next night in the posher Frederick's,
the service is a catalogue of errors and the food underwhelming, from the
scallop with pork belly starter that just didn't gel together, to the
slow-cooked sea bass that was overcooked.
But food isn't what Ickworth is all about: you go there for its magnificent
setting in 1,800 acres of parkland, perfect for riding. We pet the horses,
then saddle up instead from the stable of free bicycles and set off for the
outdoors playground, past the National Trust car park. The best thing is
that once the daytrippers are gone, we can still enjoy this wonderful
stately home.
Jane Knight
Need to know
The Ickworth, Horringer, Suffolk (01284 735350, www.luxuryfamilyhotels.co.uk)
has half board rooms for two adults and one child from £210 (children's
meals are charged as extra). Larger rooms that accommodate three children as
well as two adults cost £310 half board. The creche and pool are free
to guests.
