Are we making ourselves miserable by valuing romance too highly? We all recognise the scenario: the work colleague who on Valentine’s Day not only gets a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to her desk but also a bunch of helium heartshaped balloons and a box of chocolates. Tongues wag, eyebrows are raised, and conversation inevitably turns to what everyone else has planned for the evening ahead in an effort to check out whether their own partner comes up to scratch.

With each February 14, it seems that the competition gets fiercer; the bar for having a “romantic” day is raised higher and the fallout of not reaching the grade becomes greater. Not only does nobody seem to be winning the Valentine’s stakes but my fear, after 20-plus years as a marital therapist, is that Valentine’s Day has turned from a bit of harmless fun into something that has the potential to make us miserable. So what’s gone wrong?

Men are happy to play the romance game

By and large, men over the years have bought in to the idea of Valentine’s Day. They might balk at the steep rise in the price of flowers or meals out but they understand the importance of romance to women and are happy to play the game. In theory, this should be a golden age.

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However, I have noticed a worrying new development: women questioning whether they themselves are romantic enough.

Maggie, 27, would like to marry her long-term boyfriend: “We’re fantastic friends and get on like a house on fire. However, I’m worried that I don’t really see him romantically. I have a lot of common sense and don’t like a massive fuss. Is there something wrong with me?”

What is extraordinary is that Maggie and her partner Simon rate highly on many other indicators of a good relationship – such as easy and effective communication: “We have talked openly about what we both like, but trying to be romantic with him just seems weird.”

Instead of accepting that she has a different take on life, Maggie is questioning her whole relationship. “At the beginning, there was no walking-on-air feeling – just excitement about each other’s characters and personalities. So physically, it was more about experimentation than profound passion. In fact, I am not sure how much “chemistry” there was when we met – and many people think this is a vital foundation to a partnership.”

The romantic myth of two people meeting and falling deeply and passionately in love became an obsession for Cassandra, 48, when her marriage hit a rough patch. “We were part of a gang of teenagers who hung around together and sort of paired off together,” she explained.

“The first time he kissed me, it was at someone’s party. I remember that he leant forward and I had this quizzical look on my face. After all, we were friends but I went with the flow and it was nice. All these years later, Howard is a good husband and father – but I can’t help but think that there has been something missing from the start.”

During counselling, it became clear that Howard did not naturally express himself in the language of Valentine’s Day: presents, appreciative words and going out together. “Anybody can pick up some flowers on the way home, they haven’t really put themselves out,” he explained. He felt that caring actions – such as fixing Cassandra’s car and collecting her from girls’ nights out – spoke volumes about his love. When this miscommunication was sorted out, Cassandra began to appreciate more Howard’s offers to help and, in turn, he went out more often and had fun with her. In effect, they had deep feelings for each other, but they were not always expressed romantically.

We need to listen to our internal voice

Our culture has become so seduced by romance – and the idea that a romantic relationship must be a good one – that it can stop us from listening to our own internal sceptical voice. When Chloe, 32, first met Clive, he seemed too good to be true: “On our second date, he announced that he’d never met anybody like me, I was the love of his life and he was teasing me about what to call our second child.”

Naturally, Chloe was flattered and although she thought things were moving too fast, Clive laid siege to her feelings. “He followed it up with flowers and a weekend in the Cotswolds. It was like I was living in a romantic movie and I was on an incredible high.”

So she ignored behaviour that would normally have made her think twice. “On our way to the Cotswolds, he kept blowing his horn and accusing the driver ahead of being a creep. At the hotel, the room wasn’t quite ready and he made a terrible fuss. He was horribly rude to the girl on reception but I didn’t like to say anything because he was being so generous.”

Chloe never thought his fury would be directed at her; after all, he had told her she was his princess and nothing was too much trouble. However, three weeks later, he hit her for the first time. When they came into counselling, Clive thought his romantic gestures not only cancelled out his abusive behaviour but also explained it: “I’m passionate and sometimes my feelings get the better of me.”

The other surprise was how much heartache Chloe was prepared to endure: “I keep thinking about how things were at the beginning and if only it could always be like that.” As long as there was still some romance, Chloe was not prepared to walk away.

Romance provides the illusion of a quick fix

So why has romance become the measuring stick for the health of a relationship? There are three reasons. First, our society has become obsessed with league tables, performance and assessing quality. Whether it is exam grades in schools, waiting lists in hospitals or money spent on Valentine’s Day, anything that can be turned into raw data will do – even when the results are virtually meaningless. Secondly, romance provides the illusion of a quick fix. A few meals out and flowers and everything will be OK, but really working at a relationship involves tackling painful, deeply buried issues.

Finally, love has been elevated from one of the ingredients for a successful relationship into the glue that binds us together. Previous generations might have stayed together for economic need; because of what the neighbours might say; or for the sake of the children. But we are no longer prepared to live in anything beyond a passionate and fulfilling relationship.

So is it any wonder that we seize on something like Valentine’s Day for reassurance? Unfortunately the harder someone tries to be romantic, the more empty the gestures seem to become. This is why the restaurants on Valentine’s Day, decked out in red and serving pink food, seem like factories and a million miles away from true love.

Perhaps romance, like happiness, is something transitory: nice while it’s around, but impossible to sustain all the time. What I think we are searching for is something more complicated than romance, and that’s intimacy (which comes from time spent together, listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, watching each other’s backs, sharing common goals).

If we’re not going to stop making ourselves even more miserable, we need to reexamine our values. Of course, romance is an ingredient in a happy relationship. Good looks help and money, too. However, the most important question is whether your partner possesses a sound moral compass: does he or she consider how their behaviour affects others. What our grandparents would have called a “good” woman or a “good” man. And if you’ve got one of those, what more do you need?

Andrew G. Marshall is a relationship counsellor and the author of I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship (Bloomsbury, £8.99)

How good is your partner?

A good partnership is based on more than romance. The following questions will raise some of the most important qualities. Chose the option that best sums up your partner or your situation.

1. How generous is he or she? a) My partner puts a lot of thought into buying presents and planning surprises. b) My partner is willing to go the extra mile and do things for me that she or he does not particularly enjoy. c) Sometimes I think we are in competition with each other to see who is the more generous.

2. If there is a difference of opinion, what happens? a) My partner will try to keep me happy. b) My partner will stand up for what he or she believes is right, but will also compromise. c) We fight until one or both of us is exhausted.

3. How good a listener is your partner? a) Fine as long as it’s something he or she wants to hear. b) He or she can take on board criticism without getting defensive or aggressive. c) Depends very much on his or her mood.

4. How much laughter is there in your relationship? a) We enjoy having fun together. b) We have all sorts of private jokes together. c) Life is so hectic, there’s not a lot of time for this.

5. How loyal is your partner? a) Generally good but sometimes I think she or he is trying to balance too many conflicting interests. b) I can trust his or her word completely. c) Sometimes, I think she or he is rather selfish. (See the box below for results)

Relationship results: which letter did you score most often in the quiz?

Mostly a Generally everything runs smoothly but often your partner opts for the quiet or the easy life rather than tackling difficult issues. Therefore, during testing times, your relationship is prone to be blown off course.

Advice Encourage more openness and honesty during the good times, so that better communication is in place when it is needed.

Mostly b Your partner is a good man or woman. There is much to celebrate but be careful not to take her or his “solidity” for granted.

Advice Notice something that you really appreciate about your partner and, instead of keeping your gratitude to yourself, tell him or her about it.

Mostly c The demands of work, family and hobbies means that your partner can sometimes cut corners on your relationship. You are left feeling taken for granted.

Advice It is easier to spot the flaws in someone else than admit to those failings in ourselves. So take a long honest look at yourself. Could you make the first move?

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