Birth does funny things to people. Normal, sane women become obsessed with cashmere sleep suits and teat flows, while abandoning things like conversation and sleep. So imagine what twins do to you. The last we heard of Julia Roberts was November 28, 2004, when she was spotted, enormous, disappearing into a maternity hospital in southern California. The latest casualties are Angelina Jolie and J.Lo. Angie — previously a globetrotting, orphan-collecting, multitasking screen idol, unfazed by famine, blood sports and Brad Pitt — has apparently, since the birth of her twins in July, been reduced to a bag of jelly that won’t leave the house and can’t stop crying. Meanwhile, J.Lo, once the most glamorous diva on earth, has, since the birth of her twins in February, abandoned the diamonds and put on, yes, a wetsuit. The girl has taken up triathlon. Someone call a maternity nurse.

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