"He wanted to father his own children and could not deal with taking emotional responsibility for mine. "

I think he wanted to have sex with a married woman and this was just an excuse to leave instead of saying we're done I dont love you.

I was doing this some years ago and the woman declared me her soulmate. It scared me. I made polite excuses why we couldnt be together and moved on. I enjoyed he experience and it was nice not to feel under pressure and be able to switch off when she was with her husband. Sex and companionship without any responsibility does allow you to explore what life is like without feeling pressure guilt or obligation.

If you were really soul mates you would be together. Its really not tht diffciult to choose happiness. It clearly wasnt happines for him.

Cherish the experience and move on.

Mike, Oxford, UK

My input as a man (married 22 years) is that it's unnatural to live with the same person without getting fairly bored and in need of a refreshing new relationship. That's just nature. After the brain chemicals settle down (in weeks, months, or a year or 2) then husband #2 won't be much different than the first, with a few exceptions. Marriage is a social experiment and it's rules are to contro the masses, and nothing to do with living a good life and all that garbage. If children and finances weren't a factor, not many people would stay married for very long. It's mainly a fairy tail that actually works for some, but not most.

Daniel Shay, New York City, NY

Wow! I stumbled into this site by complete fate and have been touched by what many of you had to say. I was also married long time ago, and remember looking through my window and thinking about my home as a lonely prison, I hated my marriage and everything about it. I never felt that my husband was Mr. Right, and only married him because of external situations. I was only 23 when we got married, we were together for couple of years. Even if we had no children it was, nonetheless, a very difficult decision. So here I want to extend my love for all of you who have been through such hardship. I was touched with this history and cried, because after left my husband I too met someone I thought it was my soulmate.
Now at this stage of life I agree 100% with Laura Roberts, and after lost who I though was my soulmate I came to understand what the power of love really means. The truth is that if someone is not strong enough to stand by your side, no matter what, what kind of love is this?

Marcia, Santa Monica, CA

I read this article and found myself in the same shoes as the writer. I met Mr. Right when I was nineteen years old. I was living far from home. We spend two years together but feeling that I was too young to commit I left to get an education. I dated and meet the man who became my husband. After five years, my husband wanted children and I was not sure but went ahead. I had two children within in two years. My husband quit his good job. He wanted to be his own man! All the difficulties ensued.
I managed to see my former boyfriend and knew the terrible mistake I had made. He had married and was not happy either. He loved the country his new mate was from. We had one blissful weekend together and after phone calls. I chose to stay with my family after his last desperate phone call for me to join him. He moved to the other side of the world.
There isn't a day I don't think of him and miss the intimacy we shared. Doing what is right is a life sentence with loneliness.

Darlene Taylor, Scarborough, Canada

I spent the last (nearly) 2 years grieving for my lost "soulmate". A connection that was unique, a passion never surpassed, a deep love like no other. He ended our relationship in a most cowardly way, largely because of external pressures and a belief that if a relationship was "right" there would be no arguments (mostly about these external pressures), nothing to be 'worked at', it should just be happy, happy all the time.

A year after dumping me, he got back in contact, full of regret and remorse, saying what a massive mistake he had made and that he wanted to try again. When I finally plucked up the courage to respond to him, he rejected me again as he'd "changed his mind".

The thing is, despite all the wonderful feelings, I realise now he could not have been my soulmate, as a soulmate would simply want to be with me. Soulmates do not, *cannot* be apart from their "other half". It just wouldn't be a viable option for them. They leave because they're not really The One.

Laura Roberts, London, UK

I read this article and found myself in the same shoes as the writer. I met Mr. Right when I was nineteen years old. I was living far from home. We spend two years together but feeling that I was too young to commit I left to get an education. I dated and meet the man who became my husband. After five years, my husband wanted children and I was not sure but went ahead. I had two children within in two years. My husband quit his good job. He wanted to be his own man! All the difficulties ensued.
I managed to see my former boyfriend and knew the terrible mistake I had made. He had married and was not happy either. He loved the country his new mate was from. We had one blissful weekend together and after phone calls. I chose to stay with my family after his last desperate phone call for me to join him. He moved to the other side of the world.
There isn't a day I don't think of him and miss the intimacy we shared. Doing what is right is a life sentence with loneliness.

Darlene Taylor, Scarborough, Canada

This is a situation I experienced 30+ years ago after 4 years of marriage. The "affair" lasted 10+ years before I eventually confronted my wife with the details I knew all of which she initially denied before confirming them all and more. We stayed together for another 20 years in a uneasy tense relationship before I decided I could no longer stay. Our children had moved on and appeared to be happily settled in careers and relationships, we were both working in interesting jobs that we could immerse ourselves in, we had become brother and sister. Outwardly we were a "perfect" couple and had a good life.

Suddenly I realised that time was passing and the "cancer" was dragging me down. I needed to release myself. Five years on we are both much happier, fulfilled and relaxed people. We both agree we should have done it years ago.

Roger, England, Uk

I empathise. I wish I could have put my own feelings so eloquently. The loss of a soul mate is crippling, I know. Not a day passes when I do not feel that loss. Logic is of little value here, nor moral judgements. What you obviously have is a sense of duty, a duty to your children. Sadly, duty is an unfashionable word these days, but it is the right thing. Rejoice that you have experienced what so many people never do, that connection. Treasure that bubble in time and acknowledge you will never find it again. And move on – your soul mate has. Self pity is an un-endearing quality. You can sort it out with your husband – probably he is as unhappy as you; or maintain the “happy family” charade and become a serial lover. The latter is hedonistic and some would say shallow. But is it as shallow as an empty marriage? Find the space to find happiness; you found the space to be with your soul mate. Whatever your duty to your children, you owe that much to yourself. Life is not a rehearsal.

Ray, Bromsgrove, UK

I am also a married man with the same history of the writer. The difference is we have no children and my wife is psychologically ill. I met the lady whom I love with my soul in my office while working and it has been a year we are still in touch ....but being a human being how can i leave my wife? My lady whom I love who has taught me to live a life with full of love, respect and with humor always advise me to take good care for my wife. However, most of the time I miss her, I miss her in my life, in my grief, in my happiness, I miss her the way she talks, the way she cares me... I wonder when I will get her...I pray to God to give her to me as a gift from HIM in the Heaven..

Ani, Dhaka, Bangladesh

You should be reminded that had Justine TRULY been your soul mate then your children would have been a blessing to him - your unlikliness to have more children would not have mattered and his need to be with you would have been as strong as your need for him.

I think that you have focussed your idea of a soul mate onto a man who gave you what your marriage was lacking and if you face up to your marital difficulties and either repair them or end the marriage then you will find there are other people who can make you happier.

I was in the same position as you but faced the issues affecting my marriage. It was difficult and hard to walk away from it once i had realised it was never going to be repaired but my life is better happier and i have truly found my soul mate - a man who loves me, my children and despite longing for his own child recognised that in me and the children he had more than he ever exected or could have hoped for. Good luck

Ellie, Inverness, Scotland

I find it hard to even pity people in such situations. You could've looked harder for 'the one'. I went on hundreds of dates, had a few short relationships --always dumping the ones that were not 'the one' and moving on, until I one day found Mr Absolutely Perfectly Right. We are now incredibly happily married, and I know we will remain so until the day we die.

Never settle for second best. Wait to get married until you are 100% sure you've met 'the one'. Go on hundreds of dates if you have to. Just don't settle for second best. It will only end in tears.

Monica, London,

I can truly sympathise with the writer. I am in a marriage with 2 wonderful children and a partner who no longer notices me and have met someone who has turned my life around. On good days I believe that I have the strength to leave my marriage with minimum impact to my children, hoping to keep a good relationship with their father. On bad days i can't believe i can contemplate turning the childrens life upside down like that. In the end it will come to a straight choice of who do i put first, me or my children? As every mother knows it goes against everything you believe as a parent to put yourself first at the expense of your childrens happiness. But you only have one life and you make your own choices. Whatever decisions you make you have to live by them, even if you are guaranteeing yourself a life that you know will not be as happy as it can be with someone else

sue, London, UK

What you need is pretty basic knowledge ,how relationships work ?There are four pillars (or whatever you may call them).
Star with Mutuality >Loyalty >Trust > Respect.
The sad story of this writer/reader is just full of wishful thinkig,affairs with workmates are wonderful boost to ego and husbands normally do not feed (rightly or wrongly )their wives ego's.
Sop pretending to be little woman stuck in a 'loveless'(whatever that is? Or is just asubstitute word for lust ?) marriage for the sake of your children. You are right when they do grow up even they would not want to know your sob story or respect you for that.

You need to get hold of yourself and should know ( if you dont learn ,no shame in it )how to get what you want from the relationship for your own sake !

As far as the money bit is concerned,it could be big on your brain but remember the old saying : Money talks and talk is cheap.
I hope it is helpful!

G.Dhendsa, Reading, England

The author seems throughout the article to be dismissive of her husband - who has probably put her first throughout the marriage. Perhaps if she put time into the relationship, she may find what lies underneath - a bedrock of a stable marriage with a decent husband, rather than pining for her lover, because he is 'shiny, new and exotic fruit'. You accuse your husband of not growing up - have you let him grow up, or have you always been the dominant partner? Perhaps you need to look at yourself and see if you need to face reality and grow up?

Justin could not take 'emotional responsibility' for your children - so what exactly would it have taken for him to have taken you on board? It's a nice cop out for him in letting you down gently as his bit on the side. He might have been your soulmate, but it would appear you were not his?

Just what will happen if Matthew comes home one day and shocks your world by announcing he is leaving? You might then realise what you have lost...

Steely Dan, Gloucester,

Although you cannot presently appreciate it, you are fortunate indeed. You are blessed with two children who love and are evidently loved by both their parents; and in addition you have good health, a trustworthy husband and a career. If you left your husband now, you would do irreparable damage to your children, to your relationship with them and to the family life you have built around them.
Of course you need reassurance that you are more than just a provider, wife and mother. You should tell your husband this, and that you feel that your relationship with him has got into a deep physical and emotional rut and needs attention. If he is unreceptive, you should insist on seeking joint marriage guidance counselling. But try also to think of his emotional and physical needs as well as your own, and of his strengths as well as his failings - the result may surprise you! Don't tell him about your affair, which would hurt him terribly and destroy his trust in you.

Stephen Suttle, Marston Magna, Yeovil, Somerset

What a sad situation for all the parties - husband, wife and children.What is it about women that they so need to get married at the 'right' time that they force marriage on both themselves and their husband only to wake up in about 10 years time feeling that there is more to life? I think the LAdy concerned should put everyone out of their misery and leave her man. But perhaps she is still in love with being the perfect wife and mother and just can't make the break. In the end she will make everyone miserable for having grown away from her husband. He must be feeling completely confused by his wife's behaviour. Women seem to want equality and then resent their man for not being able to keep them as they wish to be kept on their salary alone. I hope the poor man ends up with someone who appreciates him for what he is, even if he falls short of what this spoiled Lady feels she deserves by right. God help men who are married to women who suddenly 'grow up'.

John Butcher, London,

I believe that this lady is depressed and should seek professional advice - from her GP in the first instance. She says that she has "grieved" for a year following the break up of her relationship with "Mr Perfect". Yet two years since she has had any contact she is still cring every night.
She has lots of anger directed at her poor husband. He must surely be aware of her mood and the fact that he is virtually being ignored. And what about the children? They adore their dad but what do they feel about her? Is she giving the family a chance of enjoying time together?
Suggest counselling- Relate or similar. Her husband must be brought into any solution and given the chance to communicate.
Solutions will not be easy. She wants "freedom" but suspect that what she wants is to recapture the feeling she had when she felt "alive" during her fling. No-one will measure up to her adonis and if her husband lets her go- she could be even more miserable. There are financial implications as well

Dr Marjorie Cotton, Cranfield, UK

I feel for this woman because she is a good person that puts her children first above all. I understand how she feels, it is scary to think that she may grow old with someone that doesnt satisfy her emotional needs. There is no right or wrong thing to do here to me. I believe this woman seems intellegent enough that if she were to divorce her husband, she would make sure her children are taken care of both financially and emotionaly. It may be hard, but as long as you always keep your childrens best interest at heart, the kids will adjust to whatever changes that may be made in life. Sometimes you have to do for yourself.

Chrissy Rauls, Moss Point, MS

Then your lover. Is your statement that "he could not deal with taking emotional responsibility for your children" hiding another more painful possibility - that he did not want to be with you as much as you wanted to be with him? I have had a similar experience, and had to face the truth that the person I thought was my true soul mate did not love me as much as I loved him. Of course your circumstance might not be like this - only you and he can know that. But it is easy to cling to a dream which may not be the reality.

Is he happily married/does he now have children? If the answer to either of these is yes, then for his sake you should leave him to lead his life. If you love him you must respect him enough to do this.

But if you truly think that the two of you should be together, and have a realistic chance of a happy future, then I believe you should contact him and say that. Don't wait to wake up when you're 80 and it's too late.

Warm wishes.

Z, London,

Where is the relationship if there is no communication physical, emotional or financial?If Matthew' s presence is so intolerable why waste the precious gift of life with a partner who is unable to fulfil any needs.
Children have acute antennae for falsity and disharmony, they must have some feeling of the undercurrents of unhappiness in their family.This non-relationship is no example to them of how a loving homelife can be created. Surely they are unhappy too.
Wake up and smell the coffee, put a stop to a sham marriage and start a new life. It will be difficult and painful but at least it will be real and honest.
One more thought; if Justin really loved her why did he leave and marry someone else.How realistic are her expectations of marriage which does have its share of mundane moments.

Araminta Grey, London,

My heart goes out to you - I met the love of my life many years ago and like you it turned my life around. We had so many wonderful times together - unbelievably over l5 years. We both had children and could not face the possibility of upsetting so many lives - including that of my adored very elderly father who would have been devastated if I had left my husband and sons. The man I loved so much - my other half as he once called me - died last year - I could not even go to his funeral. I was sometimes able to accompany him to hospital for the treatment for the dreadful cancer which killed him. I have to grieve alone - there is no one to whom I can talk or with whom I can confide - grief is so very hard- particularly when you have to bear it totally alone. But believe me there is life after your late forties and I hope you will be able to accept that.

jones, Bradford,

Two things struck me about your letter.Firstly you say that you grieved for more than a year - but it seems to me that you are still grieving and until you have fully completed that process you will not be able to move on. So how to move on and what does that mean anyway? This relates to my second point - you carry a deep anger toward Matthew because 'your life hasn't worked out how you wanted it.' Is that Matthews fault or responsibility? Aren't we all responsible for our own life's happiness?
You've had much turbulence in your marriage (as have most people) but the twenty years you have been together does not make your marriage a sham. Infact I think it says a great deal about how well it has actually worked - even though it may not be the relationship you once dreamed of.
Your family have now spent a long time 'without you ' because of your grieving process . It is time now to put that right. Maybe then you will be able to move on whether it be with or without Matthew.

Violette, east grinstead,

Wow, the writer could be me!!!! The timing of this article is such a coincidence. I met who I thought was my soulmate lover (I still think he is) back in January. Our affair ended yesterday. Unlike the writer though he is also married. I am married but we have no children. Both me and my lover are in marriages that are more like brother/sister than husband/wife. I really have absolutely no physical attraction to my husband and we haven't had sex for five years now. The last six months has been wonderful with my lover, but it was getting very intense and a few sloppy mistakes on my part meant that our respective spouses suspicions were aroused. Hence we had to sadly 'cool off'. I am truly devastated and really don't know how I am going to cope with the prospect of a life of celibacy. I cannot leave my husband for reasons that are very complex. I can truly sympathise with the writer. There are so many frustrated, unhappy and angry people out there. I join her as one of them.

Cath, Bristol,