Like you I used to try on my sisters clothes every once in a while. I find the clothes sexy. My gf totally seperately dressed me up one day. Then I got caught doing it on my own. She laughed, it didn't bother her. I think it depends on moderation. As a fun game it is very acceptable but more isn't

Lawrence, London, United Kingdom

You need to tell your partner for both your sakes - she's got a right to know what she is getting into and by withholding such a large part of yourself you jeopardise your mutual trust. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life hiding and guilty? Whatever the outcome, she has to know...

KC, London, UK

I think that this issue is most difficult for people with rigid marriages that require partners to play specific "male" and "female" roles. If you read online, older couples have more difficult a time with crossdressing than younger ones. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. I told her before we got married. We are happily married.

It's so silly I think that people make a big deal about a man in a dress. Seriously, you'd think we were living 100 years back discussing how "wrong" it is for women to wear "pants", and how they were being sexually deviant and rebellious in doing so. Men's liberation hasn't yet happened, but my wife and I both will be grateful when it does.

For anyone out there who wonders - there are many happily married couples where the man cross dresses and it doesn't interfere in the relationship.

Sadly though, some ladies (and most men) have already forgotten what gender equality and "liberation" means. Might as well be the 1800's.

Matt, New York, NY

After I had been married for three years I found a little box in a hidey-hole in our bedroom. It contained several pairs of ladies' frilly knickers, all with a penis-sized hole cut in the front. There were also other items of female underwear, and several pairs of stockings. I realised the significance of this and decided that, with or without an underwear fetish, my husband was still the same man I'd married and that understanding and tolerance were the best way forward in our relationship.
I was completely wrong. As soon as he knew that I knew he said how relieved he was - how he'd wanted to tell me before we married but didn't dare in case I reacted strongly against this thing that he knew he would never be able to give up. I said that as long as it never interfered with our life together I didn't mind, but I never wanted to see him dressed up. With the safety of my resassurance, he relaxed. He spent more and more time locked away with his clothes in the bathroom and the bedroom, angry if anyone else in the family needed to go in there for any reason. He resented people coming to our home because their presence meant he had less time to himself. The box of clothing got bigger and bigger. It became several boxes. Then other clothes appeared, first in his wardrobe, then in mine when his overflowed. Soon I had very little wardrobe space for myself. If I took any of his clothes out of my wardrobe he became enraged. Our children were never allowed in our bedroom in case they found the strange array of clothing which now filled boxes all over the room. I couldn't leave him in charge of the children when I went out because he would be alone in his room with the door shut, unaware of any emergencies that may be taking place. When we went on holiday he took so many dressing-up clothes that they needed an extra suitcase. I rang the Beaumont Society, who support the families of cross-dressers. I was told to be rigid in my boundaries because he would be constantly trying to expand them. They were right; he did; when I resisted he told me I was being cruel and unsupportive. I grew to hate his other person, whom I thought of as "Dame Edna". When Dame Edna appeared in bed beside me one night, an ugly person with a beard wearing a frilly nightdress with corset, suspenders and stockings, I knew that she had won and I needed to leave.
My advice to this young man is to marry the person inside him because she will never be satisfied while there is another woman in the house.

Sue, kent, uk

I recently moved in with my partner. We have the same taste in clothes and she suggested that I tried on one of her outfits. It felt so right so much so that we now by outfits together and I wear womens clothes nearly all the time. Life has never been so great. I couldn't be happier.

ging353, nottingham, Great Britain

... if your girlfriend was sitting there in a bald wig, wearing stick-on stubble, a fake heairy chest covering her breasts, and a strap-on penis, all covered by beer-stained shirt and jeans. Seriously, imagine it.

You need to be aware that how you feel and see yourself when dressed is not how others will - and that you will be shattering the image that others have of you. If its essential to your happiness, then fair enough, but please think long and hard about the reality of the way every relationship you have now and in the future with friends, family, colleagues etc. will be affected.

I still succumb very occasionally, and kick myself every time I do. It's an addiction, like chocolate or gambling. My personal suggestion is when you feel the urge to dress, don't do it. To be blunt, masturbate and get the urge out of your system - preferably imaging your girlfriend as you do it.

I have told no-one close to me, especially not my other half. Think reality not fantasy

Name withheld, Kent,

Your story could almost be my story, except I never had a sister (and believe me, at the time I wished I had, to borrow sexier clothes from), and my mother did catch me once...

Firstly, you almost certainly are not gay. I have a theory that the urge to cross-dress comes from a timing issue during puberty - in that you get mentally attracted to girls before the physical development takes place. You like the dresses and how girls are allowed to act more strongly than the girls themselves just as your sexual development occurs - and this forms a strong link throughout your life.

You are already finding that dressing is an addiction - and you are trying more extreme things to get your thrills. Just underwear would have done it at one stage, now its the whole outfit - be aware, this can get out of control, especially as you have not suffered any real consequences yet.

Before you tell your girlfriend, imagine your reaction if you turned up one day ...

Name withheld, Kent,

I discovered about 8 years ago that my husband of 10 years (we are both second time married in our 50's) likes/liked to cross dress when I discovered a load of female clothes in a wardrobe that he mistakenly left unlocked. I was devastated (not sure why but I found it very difficult to handle) and have never felt the same way about him since. He said he'd been cross dressing for years, and that he was not gay. Each person is going to react differently - you have to decide whether you can keep this secret from your gf for the rest of your life and what the consequences will be if she unwittingly finds out. OR if you tell her now you risk losing her - not an easy choice for you - very good luck.. We have never discussed it since, which I am sure, was not very clever. I just didn't know what to say.
pam London

Pam, London, UK

Cross Dressing

My heart goes out to the Times reader ,March 26, who confesses to being a Transvestite. No doubt there are many organizations who can advise, help and show support to him. He may find it helpful or extremely unhelpful to realise in time that this sense of being possessed, and obsessed, will endure for a considerable time. I have been a TV for over 60 years, and only in recent years have I come to a deeper grasp of what is present. It seems pointless in retrospect to ask why one is a TV. There are many, many possible answers, none of which seem to resonate with the deeper need buried in this sense of being possessed by a Feminine quality.

It were better to ask what is present, and to somehow find the private space to deepen the quality that has surfaced. There are a number of Organisations, such as Rose’s Forum, TV Angels and TVChix, who can support and enable a TV to meet like minded others.

Acceptance by others seems also to be a pretty basic thing among TVs. If that cannot be managed with one’s nearest and dearest, the days can be long and lonely . ’Twere better in which case to go one’s own road until such time as one meets another soul who can offer support. And there are others who do and will.

My wife after the initial shock has been greatly supportive over the years. In this context there is only one rule, do not flaunt your need in another’s face, as though it was of right. There is no mileage in that.

The dangers if any in being TV are that you are inevitably dragged ( no pun intended) into areas of yourself that have to be faced, and not simply be flooded by the eroticism of appearance. There is a kind of Shamanistic ambiguity in being TV, with one’s sexuality thrown into the bearpit to add to the confusion and the sense of being possessed by a quality that cuts across social mores. It bring a new dimension to Gender Confusion.

I wish the reader much luck. It can be a perilous road but one of extraordinary possibilities if he has the courage to explore what has erupted into his life.

Josephine
Middlesex,London

Josephine, Lndon, Middlesex

If it helps, you may not be aware that you are not alone! Estimates vary widely from one in ten to one in a hundred straight males are crossdressers in one form or another.

I've been a crossdresser for many years, but I think crossdressing has a spectrum which ranges from, let's say, a fetish with female underwear, to the desire to dress fully as a woman. I've remained generally at the lower end of the spectrum, but the desire to dress and make love to a woman while wearing female lingerie has increased as I have become older, so I fully understand your anxiety. It is a tremendous burden, and hiding it from your partner, as I did for some years, can severely damage the relationship. I eventually told my wife, and although she was understandably very shocked, she has been very supportive ever since and our relationship has improved tremendously. But, and it's a big 'but', you must be prepared to compromise and take control of your crossdressing. Don't let it take over your life.

John, Manchester,

I am involved with a support group for Significant Others, friends and family of transgendered people called WOBS, and its related Yahoo online group called Wobsmatters.

Wobsmatters is open to all, regardless of gender, sexual orientation and relationship to transperson. All we ask is that transpeople themselves respect it as a "safe space" for their non-trans loved ones. When you tell your girlfriend, you might like to tell her about us so we can support her.

Through the support group I have learned that it is lies and deception that are the deal breakers, no so much the crossdressing. Many partners hate the crossdressing and find it a huge turn-off (sorry, but that is so); however, by talking about it honestly, they have been able to incoporate it into their relationships. "Getting caught" might be a thrill in your imagination, but I can assure you that the reality is horrible.

Anna Hayward, St.Neots, UK

Hi
There is nothing wrong with you! Being transgender is the way you are, you were probably born with these desires and it is natural to you. I am a cisgender-woman (born-woman) who has had relationship for 5 years with a full time trans-woman . I am astounded at the comments about you needing therapy or you have to find a cure! Its 2008 people not 1288!! You don't need a cure - you just need to be loved and accepted for the way you are.

Honesty is the best policy though. The main thing here is that your GF needs to know the truth now so she can make a choice. I knew about my partner from the start and choose to get involved with a trans person. But it is hard for people when they find out half way through a relationship - at least let her have the choice now before it goes any further.

Remember though, you are not perverted, you are not mentally ill, you are a healthy person who happens to be transgender.
XXXX

Deborah Pearson, Manchester, UK

Honesty can be scary but it is so less stressful than hiding and the fear of discovery.

I have crossdressed all my life and hid it during a 15 year marriage, I was discovered and the understandable anger ended up in divorce. I feel sadness for the end of the relationship but also relief and an end to shame. Guilt and shame often come from being in secret, but once in the open they are gone and only the closed minded will project their feelings onto you, they will be the ones needing therapy if you learn to openly accept this as a part of yourself.

I have had relatively few negative comments and most people prefer honesty and self-acceptance to deceit and insecure fears. Eddie Izzard and Grayson Perry have paved the way for acceptance.

I did therapy for a year and it was helpful - not as a cure, but for coming to terms with myself. Love yourself (not narcissistically) and others will love you. Be comfortable in your own skin and whatever ungendered clothes you prefer to wear.

Jon, Norwich, Norfolk, UK

Two things I can guarantee. The desire to dress will not go away and your wife will one day find out.

I kept this side of my life secret for too many years, even to the point where I was going out and meeting other TV's/TS's (socially, not sexually).

You are already showing signs of wating to go to "another stage" and this process continues. In my case it became so extreme that I began to consider full transition.

I am not suggesting for one minute that something you find so exciting will go this full circle with you - but the feelings you portray, I can certainly empathise with from my own experiences.

You really must tell your wife. I truly regret not doing so in the early days, because by the time I "came out" , I was so far down the road that the shock to her was devastating and the lie I was living was causing me considerable anguish too.

It's a tough call and one that will take alot of courage, but do it!

victoria hanson, Stratford upon Avon,

I'm in agreement with the sound minds on here

First you DO NOT need therapy. You have a desire to wear women's clothes (actaully I don't like the term "women's clothes", they are MY clothes and I'm not a woman!), not a mental illness

Secondly, yes you should tell her yourself. I did the same to my then girlfriend ten years ago. She is tolerant rather than accepting, but we are still to gether and married.

Contact The Beaumont Society (http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/), a support group for crossdressers (for want of a better term) and their partners. Also ther are other groups where you can meet and dress in (semi) public. The Northern Concord (http://www.northernconcord.org.uk/) in Manchester is a great one if it's nearby.
Otherwise, rent Ed Wood as someone suggested, and Just Like a Woman, which is a lousy film but deals with the issue of transvestism pretty sensitively
Above all, don't stop having fun!

Debs, Leeds,

As a man with similar experiences, I admire your honesty and bravery. I think you have a lot of questions to answer though. First off, how much do you really want to be this person, the one with a secret life? I know it is fun, but is it the person you would want your future children to see? I asked myself this question twice - once to give up smoking, and later, to give up wearing female underwear.

Second, how do you really feel about Samantha's attitude? She is entitled to her view, but (as I found out eventually) some women are less negative about these things. If it matters to you, maybe you should find a woman who is open to it?

Finally, do you really care about Samantha's feelings? If you don't tell her you aren't respecting her freedom of choice. If you don't tell her now, will it be easier before you marry? Or before you have kids? Have you thought about how corrosive 20 years of secrecy will be?

Cross dressing isn't wrong, but respect the ones you love. I wish I had.

David White, London, UK

I'm shocked and horrified at the sheer amount of bigotry shown here. Those suggesting therapy please go see someone, to help you remove the blinkers from your eyes so you can view the world from a more open minded position. The forcing of gender stereotypes on people is a sad reflection on society as a whole and certain people commenting here in particular.

I do think that the girl-friend must be told. If she is not told, then eventually she will find out, and that will cause a huge amount of distress to her, if from nothing else than the lack of trust shown by not telling her. Whether or not she will be accepting of the cross-dressing cannot be predicted. She may be supportive and encouraging, and one hopes that she will be.

Alice Chapman, Northwich, Cheshire

I noticed you mentioned in the article that you've never felt that you were gay - apparently over 90% of cross dressers are hetrosexual men, so I don't think you need worry that it's "a gay thing".

It's a shame that we're pigeon holed by a this is what girls wear, and this is what boys wear and never the twain shall meet, society. It just suppresses people - moreso men because not many would bat an eyelid really at a girl dressed in a man's suit... and be found attractive by other men.

I don't know how sexually adventurous your girlfriend is, but, if you don't want to just drop a bombshell on her, you could try introducing role play/dressing up scenarios to your sex life and see if she gets the drift?

Either way, you can't live a lie with her. Sooner or later you'll be found out.

Good Luck! And best wishes

Joe, Liverpool,

many women find straight men who cross dress now and again extremely attractive. there is no shame where there is no secret.

TR, Cambridge,

I told my wife 6 months ago. We had been married for 10 years and have two children. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She is not happy about it, but we are still together, and I am free from the guilt associated with keeping such a secret. I suspect that if we were not married with kids, the relationship would have ended. I think some women can deal with it, some can't and some are willing to tolerate it provided it does not happen in the family home. The best solution is to find a womn who can deal with it, tell her on the first or second date, and be proud of your dual identity.

Sam, London,

Dear!!!
It´s not difficult, if I you were you, I would tell her the truth, so we were fall in love, and Iam sure, she would think about all your relationship and all the moments they have been together and this is the real reason that she has never lost you in spite of your problem with the cloths. You must share this with your couple, its important, because its the only way to be growing up in this life.

Sofi, Argentina , Buenos Aires

My boyfriend likes to cross-dress as well and I actually find it fun and playful! When telling me he did not joke, but did not take the matter dead seriously either... when cuddling once he just tried on my stockings (hope this may be a useful example for you) and subsequently told me about his desires. I did not think this was any wrong, not even foe the first second.

Good luck!

PS: I think that fishnet hold-ups look quite cute on men ;-)

Anna, London,

It can be really tough, but honesty is the only way if the relationship is to work. There are no guarantees in this world, but it probably won't go away if it is already that important to you, she probably will find out in time, and the sooner you deal with it, the better the chances are of you two surviving it.

My own experience is a settled, strong, committed gay relationship, in which cross dressing played no part. When I had to deal with my partner's growing interest. It had a huge impact on the way I thought and felt about him, and it was the root of a very diifficult time for us. It was as difficult for me as it might be for a lady in a straight relationship. In both situations, it strikes at the heart of your perception of your partner as a man.

What I can tell you is that we discovered our relationship was the most important thing, and we have found ways to accept and to accommodate the cross dressing.

With enough determination on both sides, you can do that too.

John, Southampton, UK

I agree with the majority views expressed here. Tell her, no matter how difficult it may be. If you don't and she subsequently finds out - as surely she must at some point - the trust she's placed in you will diappear. And that's the beginning of th end. I'd suggest introducing it as a bit of fun to spice up your sex life. And if she accepts it, as someone else has said here, you've hit the jackpot. Just be careful not to insist upon on it every time sex in on the agenda. That would be bad news for your partner. But women can be far more accommodating than men when it comes to issues like this so bite the bullet. Better that she knows about this up front than keeping your 'secret' hidden - and how long would it remain so anyway? As to therapy - pah! Just use some common sense!

Colin, Brisbane, Australia

Just because you love someone does not mean you have to happily share or indulge their every sexual fetish. Each to their own. She may find the idea of your cross dressing a complete sexual turnoff. As is her right. Or she might find it a turn-on. Coming across you unexpectedly dressed in full drag complete with make-up might prove an unpleasant surprise. Tell her before you move in so she can decide whether or not it a deal breaker. By the way it is ALWAYS wrong to pinch another woman's underwear or clothes without telling her EVEN if you are a woman yourself.

Kate, London, England

A few thoughts from the wife of a tranny....

Firstly, those that are quick to shout 'you need therapy' are probably the ones that need therapy themselves!

If, like my other half, its a feeling that clearly is never going to go away, then I think you need to be open with your girlfriend - but I realise that is so much easier said than done. My husband (then boyfriend) was absolutely petrified telling me - but far from running a mile, I was happy that he was able to be open and honest (it mean't a big deal to me), and I indulge in his dressing. I always thought the 'rules' that women and men must wear certain clothing based on their gender pretty ridiculous.

That said, I did place one major parameter - he doesn't use my clothes - he gets his own (and we dissapear off shopping together and its great fun), but my clothes - especially my underwear are very personal to me. Its hard to explain why, I just needed this assurance from him that this would stay the case.

Good luck!

Sal Martins, Brighton,

Tough call. But you have to tell her. I'd love to able to tell you that if she loves you she'll understand, but that's not a given I'm afraid. But this is definitely one of those situations where honesty is the best policy. Otherwise, you're going to continue keeping this hidden and your guilt will increase - and sooner or later, the truth will out. And the longer you're living together before she finds out, the worse it's going to be. There's nothing wrong with cross-dressing and although it is still considered quite taboo that is changing (Eddie Izzard springs to mind). Its not necessarily going to be an easy thing for her to get used to, so a lot of patience is necessary.

Oh, and when you're telling her, don't try and joke about it. She'll either assume it's all a joke or that you don't think it's important. Good luck.

Helen, Loughborough,

The amount of bigotry and hypocrisy that surrounds this issue in Western countries is beyond belief. Transgender behaviour has been around for millenia and it is the shame of modern society that it has not dealt with it in a rational and empirical manner (the same bizarre hysteria surrounds homosexuality) There has to be some irony in the fact that until the 1920s the wearing of trousers by women in public was considered to be a transvestite act. This suggests strongly that social attitudes are mutable and ultimately arbitrary. The imposition of irrational sartorial codes on individuals has only damaged and limited our capacity for healthy social interaction. It is time these were finally exposed for what they are - the result of ignorance about biology and the desire to find scapegoats by targeting so-called 'deviant' behaviour.

This young man should tell his girlfriend. If she cannot accept it then she is not worthy of him.

Johanna, Paris, France

I'm in a relationship with a bloke who likes to wear my clothes, specially my underwear. He's very handsome, very clever, very manly: there's nothing wrong with him. I didn't know at first about this, and I guess I wouldn't like it if he wanted to do it all the time, but it's become just another aspect of our sex life.

Here's how he introduced it to me, and maybe the reason why I found it acceptable: we were in the middle of a very passionate moment, very turned on, when he asked me to put my bra on him... frankly, at that point I found it just another part of love making, and pretty fun at that.

Maybe you could do that: introduce the topic gently, making sure she's up to doing things she might not have tried before. Don't make a huge issue of it, sitting her down to reveal a shameful secret: just act as if it's something you'd like to try, with her. And make sure you warm her up first! The doing jobs around the house in her undies you might want to leave for later.

patricia, barcelona,

If you are going to continue to dress frequently when living together, and even be tempted to wear her clothes, then telling her is obviously the best thing to do. How and when you tell her are difficult issues that only you can decide. Perhaps you need to work out how much of your life cross-dressing is going to be. To do this you should really talk to other cross-dressers. There are several good web-sites out there that allow you to find hetero-sexual guys who feel exactly the same way as you do living in your area. You will probably find that there is a group who meets regularly for an evening of tea and chat while dressed to the nines not too far from you. New comers are always welcome and most will dress when they get there. That way you can satisfy your urge to dress, maybe even get someone to store your gear while you talk to others and work out your own feelings before deciding what to do about your relationship.

Abigail, Bristol, UK

I have a friend who is a cross dresser and from what he has told me it is something he identified with since he was very young as well. He is married and his wife is aware of it and has been since before they married. He's a member of some support group. I think it is called Tri-Ess. He also mentioned a group called LadiesKnightOut. You may want to see if you can find some information about it through them.

Linda, Los Angeles, California

I was 8 months' pregnant when I discovered my husband's predilection for female attire and I was sickened and totally horrified. It has taken years for there to be healing for both of us, but I still do not trust him in this area, the whole idea repulsed me then and still does now. I cannot get my head around why a man wants to look like a woman. I have no desire to look like a man, I am happy being a woman. So what is the problem? That it is sexual is not in question, that it's perverse? For me it is. This poor girl needs to know and she needs to know now. If the young man is scared of losing her he needs to get help to be free of this perversion, but to hide it is to seriously damage the relationship, even damage it totally. Please tell her now, if you do not then you are being very, very selfish. By not telling her you are showing what sort of a person you really are. And she may not stick by you the way I have stuck by my husband. Christine, Chester

Christine Madder, Chester, UK

I have met a number of (heterosexual) cross dressers, and once shared a flat with one. I have to say that I find many of these men (including the writer of the 'problem') to be very narcissistic. The focus is very much on how they look when dressed up, and how sexy others find them. Why would a woman want a man who is fixated on glamour underwear and high heels (look how many men here go into vast detail about the items they like wearing); it is cultural 'gift wrapping' that is only of moderate interest to most women, even if they like to wear it occasionally. This drive to dress up has potentially little to offer a true partnership; it is a self hypnotic sexual fetish. Please, for both of your sakes, tell her. If she happens to find it exiciting too, you have hit the jackpot!

Isadora, London,

Try introducing it gradually: putting on her panties for a 'joke' before sex and admitting it turns you on etc etc
Rent the film Ed Wood and say you can see the appeal and watch her reaction.
Good luck to you. Everyone has fetishes. Big boobs to maids outfits - those are OK but others not? Come on.

watkins, bangkok, thailand

Speaking from experience, you have no relationship if you cannot share and discuss a central part of your life. I got married in my mid 20's and kept the same secret and it meant the relationship could not develop. You cannot have such large secrets and expect the realtionship to succeed. It is just a matter of time before it fails. In the relationships I have since had I have been honest as soon as possible and have never regretted it.
Try approaching the subject on the basis of the general feelings and urges that you have both now and in. Explain that you have certain things you like which are long standing but havn't been properly explored. If she wants to help you then great. If she doesn't then you and she have some difficult choices to make.
In the mean time you must explore this side of your personality or you will become more and more unhappy. There are any number of people that cater for the needs of transvestites - seek them out.

Frank, Sussex, UK

Yeah, no kidding. You ought to terrified she discover your secret.

You need a shrink, not a girlfriend.

Scott, Durham, NC, USA

I wouldn't automatically assume your girlfriend is going to find this unacceptable. More sexual desires than ever before are now being seen as within normal limits, and certainly you wouldn't be the only man who has put on female clothing to excite himself and his partner.

I think you should present it to her as a positive - its something you enjoy that makes you feel sexy, and you would like to share it with her. Don't present it as some kind of guilty secret. Its harmless, you enjoy it, you love her, its all good.

Liz Robinson, Kent,

Tell her before you move in. There is no way you can hide it from her, especially if you find she is your partner for life. Don't let her find out herself - she will just have more of a problem coming to terms with it.

She may accept it now, or she may not - the reality of it is still very difficult to come to terms with. If she doesn't accept it, the relationship will end - but if it's a large part of you.... better to find out now that in 3 yrs time when you've a kid and it could end up with an acrimonious split.

Be brave and tell her.

Al, Whitchurch, Hampshire

TELL HER.

Or you will spend the rest of your life wishing that you had. If you can't tell her then split up.

If she doesn't find out then you will spend the rest of your time together living in guilt.

If she does find out then the two of you will spend the rest of your time together (long or short) in guilt and anger with one another.

Please please tell her.

John, London, London

I ve been cross dressing since i was 13, in all of the relationships ive had since then, I have been honest to say right at the start, that I do it. It started with my mothers tights and underwear, then onto my sisters more fashionable and up to date (frilly) underwear, stockings, suspenders, french knickers, bras. I would go to my room after school, dress up and do my homework. never putting a lock on the door, but as been said this made it exciting. I got married at 20 and my wife at the time didn't like it, but I didn't hide it, I tended to do it by myself, when she wasn't around. I began to have affairs and instead of the lady wearing the underwear it was me! or sometimes both of us, which was a fantastic sexual experience. I divorced and re-married another, who had no problem at all with me dressing up and encouraged the situation by buying me different coloured sets, designs etc. These come to the fore on special evenings in or weekends away. Tell her.she may like to indulge also

phillip, northampton,

Like other people have said, I would speak to your gf about it; hiding a part of yourself is a stressful and ultimately damaging way to live. Cross dressing is still taboo which is why you're hesitant, that and it's an unusual habit, which is I think where the taboo begins and ends. Society has a lot to say for those who live differently.
From the sounds of it, it is just that, something you enjoy doing rather than a deeper expression of your sexuality. You sound secure in your sexual preference which is another reason why you should speak to your gf. She will appreciate your honesty.
Good luck :-)

Frances Roberson, Croydon,

get used to it. the feelings won't go away. I know. you're on your own...

Bill, Oakland, california

It's really too bad that you haven't been able to share this aspect of your life with Samantha sooner. There is room for understanding and even appreciation (hey, a great man is a great man - take him at his quirks as well as his regular strengths), and then there are deal-breakers. I'm very sympathetic to you, but you haven't given her fair shake to decide if you really are the right partner for her by withholding this information. And now you're in a partnership on a home, which will lead to in life.
You've been in therapy to be "cured" and you haven't been. Because cross-dressing really does give you pleasure and societal norms should not dictate your activities that do give you pleasure - as long as you aren't breaking a law or hurting someone. In this case, the only way you are hurting Samantha is keeping up the charade. She needs to know. It might hurt, or it could add a new dimension to your relationship, but it needs to be done.
Good luck! I do hope the best for both of you!

Justine, Washington, DC, US

You have to tell her. If she loves you, she'll be fine with it. If not, your relationship would eventually end anyway, I promise you. Do you want a relationship where you feel guilty and constantly have to hide part of who you are from her? Included in this "hiding" is the fact that you will never believe she loves you completely, because you aren't sharing yourself completely with her. Lies, even the tiniest ones can become fissures that will ruin any chance you have of long-term love and intimacy. Also, don't ask her what she thinks about cross-dressing to test the water before you tell her. She may respond with how she "thinks" she will feel, rather than letting her love of you affect her response, which is likely. Trust her to love you for who you are, and if it bothers her, see if you can't find some compromise where you can be honest, but she can be comfortable with you choices. All my best to you.

Erica, Chandler/AZ, United States

Sell it to her mate ! Sit down with her before you move in and explain you have something important to divulge. She'll think you're about to confess to an affair so the truth may come as a relief - her judgemental nature notwithstanding. You can also explain that your fetish may go some way towards subsidising her wardrobe !

Let's face it there's nothing to be ashamed about and if she cannot handle it then best know now rather than later on. Trouble only comes when you bottle these things up. In my experience women liked to be told the truth and in your case you may find that you can explore your fetish together. Be brave and have fun !

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."
Marcus Aurelius

Steve Ballmer, Sydney, Australia

Two thoughts:

ONE: the guy needs therapy. Fast. I have no idea what his essential sexual orientation may be. The point is, neither does he. Before he embarks on the commitment of a live-in relationship, he needs to sort that out.

TWO: because he owes it to Samantha as much as himself. Relationships require truth. He is living a lie with Samantha. A lie about his deepest needs. If he loves, really loves, Samantha, he has to ask: how will she feel when --- as inevitably she must --- she discovers this facet of him ? She will feel betrayed. Unless she's a saint, an unreasonable demand, the relationship will not survive. So where will he be then ? As important, where will she be ? Imagine the blow to her self-confidence, her sense of her ability to make good judgements about those she cares for.

Honestly, therapy will help. He owes it to both of them to seek if BEFORE he moves in with her.

john barry, chevy chase, USA

Two thoughts:

ONE: the guy needs therapy. Fast. I have no idea what his essential sexual orientation may be. The point is, neither does he. Before he embarks on the commitment of a live-in relationship, he needs to sort that out.

TWO: because he owes it to Samantha as much as himself. Relationships require truth. He is living a lie with Samantha. A lie about his deepest needs. If he loves, really loves, Samantha, he has to ask: how will she feel when --- as inevitably she must --- she discovers this facet of him ? She will feel betrayed. Unless she's a saint, an unreasonable demand, the relationship will not survive. So where will he be then ? As important, where will she be ? Imagine the blow to her self-confidence, her sense of her ability to make good judgements about those she cares for.

Honestly, therapy will help. He owes it to both of them to seek if BEFORE he moves in with her.

john barry, chevy chase, USA

Good luck, I don't understand cross dressers, I thought they were all trannies waiting to come out as gay??

Anyway, very confusing.... its something I can't really understand. Did you mother dress you up when you were a child? Did she really want a house full of girls but got you instead? It can happen, I suppose but I don't know the cure for it.

Emile, NY, USA

I grew out of this for no apparent reason when I was about 30. I think it might have been that I didn't feel so convincing so didn't enjoy the look of myself as a woman any longer, and it might be the same for you. I would avoid telling her as in my experience it could come back to haunt you, even if she accepts you at the moment.

Neil, Brighton, U.K

Pardon the pun, but you may want to skirt around the issue in conversation to find out how she really feels, you may be pleasantly surprised.
It is perfectly possible to have a "normal" and CD world - just make sure you keep your things offsite in a safe place to eliminate the worry of coming home to find your things spread out all over the bed with a lot of explaining to do! The tradeoff is that there will be no spontaneous opportunities for dressing up, which eliminates spontaneity but also carelessness.
One thing that can happen (from personal experience) is that the crossdressing, which is a manifestation of your feminine side taking over from your male side, can lead to an increasing desire to seek the company of someone who is maybe more sympathetic or appreciative of how you look as a woman...such as another CD...which in turn can lead to you discovering things about yourself you were unaware of or perhaps would not be comfortable with

helene, sydney,

While not exactly in the same boat I wonder if I'm in something of a similar or at least related situation in that I also dress up, but my thing is 18th and 19th century soldiers as well as characters in Pirates of the Caribbean. The thing is not only have I grown my hair long (so it can be curled and ponytailed and powdered) but my best source of long-ish material for conversion into costumes are ladies clothes in thrift stores and I admit, they ARE a lot more comfy then 'mens wear' (I wonder if that has something to do with it). There's also the feeling you get wearing it - for you its sexual, for me it's heroic. And the fear that parents and girlfriend won't understand. Well, all I can say is it's gotta come out sometime so find an appropriate way to break it to them/her and talk it through. At least they'll understand that side of you and you won't be hiding anymore. Best wishes!

Tom, Los Angeles, California