This weekend, thousands of couples up and down the land will be throwing
themselves into that most traditional of Bank Holiday pursuits: DIY. Visit
any branch of Ikea or Homebase and you'll see tight-lipped couples silently
fuming over their conflicting choice of paint or shelving; get them home and
into an enclosed space and there's even more room for marital strife.
According to a recent study by the National Federation of Builders, 35 per
cent of homeowners admitted that their attempts at home improvement had
caused domestic rifts. But why exactly does DIY bring out the worst in a
relationship and how do you diffuse a feud once it has taken hold?
“Our angriest fights are always about home improvements,” says Katie, 32, who
has recently moved into a new house with her husband, Tom, an architect. The
problem is that although they have similar tastes, their approaches are
poles apart. “I just want to get the job finished but with Tom, it's never
quite right. Something that should take a morning will take a week; it's
infuriating. And you can imagine the mess. Tom collects tools like women
collect shoes. For almost a year, they took up a quarter of the kitchen.”
One of the couple's most contentious projects was restoring the downstairs
floorboards. “My wife just wanted to sand them down and leave the joints
open, but I couldn't live with that,” says Tom, 39. “I saved the sawdust and
mixed it with special resin that I had ordered from Holland and filled in
the gaps. I also did the holes underneath to stop the draughts getting in;
nobody sees it but I know it's been done.” Katie says: “We can't just go to B&Q
like other people; he has to drivehundreds of miles to a reclamation yard
just to buy that one perfect floorboard. It drives me insane.”
It's a power struggle
Under all these DIY disputes, there is a power struggle, with one party trying
to impose ideas, standards, taste or time scale on the other. This is
particularly noticeable when a couple work side by side on a project. “There
is only one way of painting a room and it's my wife's way,” says Adrian, 29.
“She will start at one end and move round methodically. I want to paint
where the mood takes me but she complains that I've made too big strokes.”
His wife Hannah, 28, has another take: “His way, some patches get one coat and
others get two.” On more than one occasion, Adrian has stormed out and left
Hannah to finish the task alone. It got so bad that they would work on
separate tasks, but that caused rows, too. “I'd ask when he was going to put
up a cabinet and he'd agree such and such a weekend, but when the time came
he would always have some excuse,” says Hannah. “I told you, I didn't have
the right drill,” counters Adrian.
During counselling, it became clear that Adrian was behaving passive
aggressively, appearing publicly compliant but privately sabotaging. “I hate
to be bossed around at home; I get enough of that at work,” he admits. This
reinforced my opinion that this was as much about power as DIY.
Interestingly, neither partner felt very powerful. “I have to nag to get the
slightest thing done; it's exhausting,” says Hannah. Adrian's power was
entirely negative; he could stop Hannah having her own way but did not
directly express his own needs.
With other contentious problems, such as money or sex, the row can be ignored
or forgotten for a while, but home improvements and half-finished jobs are
always there - right under a couple's noses.
“My partner wanted to close off a window. He thought it spoilt the line of the
wall and, in his opinion, it did not let in much light as it looked straight
on to our neighbour's wall,” says Alice, 43. “Although he knew I disagreed,
I came home to find that he had taken away the curtain rail - damaging the
wallpaper - piled bricks into the window and pinned a sheet over it. He
claimed that this would ‘give me an idea how it would look'.” She was angry
about not being consulted. “Every time I went into the living room I got
angry and the argument would start up all over again.”
Calling in the professionals
If home improvements are so corrosive to relationships, wouldn't it better,
and easier, to call in the professionals? In some households, this can cause
more arguments than it solves. “He goes berserk if I suggest contacting that
nice Polish builder that our friend raves about,” says Katie about Tom, her
architect husband. “It's like an act of betrayal.”
There is a second reason why it is worth persevering: it is good to argue.
Rows bring hidden issues to the surface and in a reasonably contained topic,
such as DIY, there is a chance to express differences and practise finding
solutions without causing any serious harm to your relationship.
So what strategies can be used to settle these DIY disputes? With something as
long-lasting as decoration, it is important to reach a compromise. In the
argument over closing up the window, Alice let her partner have his way, but
he agreed to bring more light into the room by installing a sliding glass
door on to the garden.
Alternatively, if there is no middle way, divide up the responsibilities. This
is the solution chosen by Tom and Katie. She says: “He is stubborn about how
things are done but I'm more stubborn about the look. So I'll choose the
colour, but he'll choose the brand and get the finish he wants.”
The other strategy is to try to find something positive in the other person's
approach. For example, Katie accepts that when Tom has finished, the results
are spectacular - even though the process is frustrating. Tom appreciates
that Katie keeps him on track. By holding on to what they appreciate, even
when they're angry, they still respect each other.
When it comes to timescales, perhaps the biggest source of rows, couples
should try to decide together. Discuss all the possible problems and what
can be done to mitigate them. If you impose a date arbitrarily or agree to
one to keep your partner happy, this will store up problems for the future.
So take time to make certain that both of you have expressed your concerns
and feel able to say no.
Finally, if none of these strategies works, you can always trying laughing as,
in hind-sight, most of these fights will probably seem rather comic.
Andrew G. Marshall is a marital therapist and the author of I Love You but I'm
Not in Love with You (Bloomsbury, £8.99)
I've just bought a house and I'm busy renovating it, my husband is four thousand miles away... and I hope he remains so until I've finished! He agrees with every choice I've made... because I don't tell him about the ones he won't like. Who says long distance relationships don't work
Sara, Cardiff, UK
I got my wife to call in an local estate agent who, without my saying a word, confirmed what I had said all along. Sometimes people are prone to delusions of grandeur.
Arnold Ward, Weybridge, Surrey, UK
Your article did make me laugh. My husband decided that the side panel on the bath needed to be repaired urgently at 8pm on sunday evening, a job "that would only take 10 minutes". I smiled, and kept quiet. He finished it just before lunch the next morning...DIY always takes longer than you think
Amanda Le Magoariec, Poissy, France
We bought a half renovated house from a couple who divorced becuase he spent too much time digging in the cellar instead of the bedroom.
a don, Sydney, Australia
In my experience, if two partners care for each other, trust each other implicitly and maintain open lines of communication, compromise becomes easy. But in the absence of a proper discussion, invariably assumptions are made, which ultimately represent the root cause of frustration and conflict.
Mark Peach, Glasgow, Scotland