LOCATION. Location. Location. That’s the key to everything when it comes to property — and therefore life — and yesterday the Tories’ location for their first-time buyer soundbite (sorry, “policy session”) was the Natural Café in Chiswick, West London.

It was all so natural that it was almost unnatural, if you know what I mean. The coffee was Fairtrade and the tea was green. It was enough to make you crave a cup of instant.

I had to settle for a Stressbuster (orange, banana and mango juice, as you ask), for it’s not every day that you get to meet a real star.

I don’t mean Dave Cameron. As a politician, his mantra is much more likely to be “obfuscation, obfuscation, obfuscation”. No, I’m talking about the property show queen, Kirstie Allsopp. You know, the one with the flouncy skirts and the no-nonsense advice.

It was a small gathering. Just a few cameras (Dave is rarely seen without one these days) and ten photogenic first-time buyers who were looking, with eyes like saucers, at local property bulletins featuring fabulous houses at toptastic prices.

David Cameron is not used to being upstaged, but he will have to adjust if Kirstie stays on the scene.

The two of them arrived and sat down in the middle of a long table. “Hello!” gushed a young man named Aidan who was next to Dave but had eyes only for Kirstie. “I love Location, Location, Location. It’s on my Sky Plus series link!”

I had no idea what this meant, but Dave (who has to know as he is, officially, a hip and groovy guy) was impressed. “Only Desperate Housewives gets that treatment from me,” he said. Kirstie looked chuffed (apparently it means the entire series is recorded automatically) and ordered a Fairtrade cappuccino.

It turns out that Aidan has managed to buy a flat, but only by sharing the mortgage with his dad. But even Aidan’s bit of the mortgage is 4.5 times his salary. Dave winced (property is such an emotional topic) and turned to another young man, named Shovi.

“The only thing my budget can afford is a south-facing shoebox,” he despaired. Apparently Shovi, too, may have to buy with his dad. “If we could help your dad give you money, would that make a difference?” mused Dave. Expect a dad policy soon.

We were on to property prices now. Surely it was a bit early? Normally, this is peak dinner party conversation. “The flat I bought when I was 21 for £72,500 is £325,000 now,” confided Kirstie, “and my old job is paying just £1,200 a year more.”

Dave said that many people in London were so desperate for space that they were digging out their own basements. “I’m about to do it myself!” he said. It may be his only link with the underground.

The theme of the Dave and Kirstie show was that shared ownership is the answer for first-time buyers. It must be said, though, that the actual first-time buyers weren’t so keen. After all, it is a big commitment to make with someone who is just a friend.

Kirstie pooh-poohed this.

The key is to have a good contract. For instance, she said, what if your co-owner acquired a girlfriend and she started to stay over seven nights a week? Wouldn’t that be irritating? “But you can have it written in that she can stay over only three times a week!” she said, to astonished laughter.

So now you know. It’s not about location but litigation. An Englishman’s home is still his castle, but only three days a week.

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