I come to you directly from the battlefield that is Defence Questions with news of Afghanistan. I do not think things are going entirely to plan there. The fog of war that pervaded the chamber made it hard to assess the situation (in the Commons and in Afghanistan). I reached for my special fog-vision goggles but the MoD has not yet delivered them. We are used to equipment supply failures in Defence Questions and so, just in case, I had brought in my 99p torch from Around-A-Pound.

Alarm bells started to ring when the Tories asked a perfectly straightforward question on Afghanistan. “The security situation in Afghanistan remains stable,” Des Browne, the Defence Secretary, said. He maintained a straight face (or, at least I think so, for already it was like trying to see through dry ice at a bad rock concert).

Surely this was an extraordinary thing to say, especially given that MPs are not allowed to mislead? Haven’t we just seen men clinging to helicopters like stuntmen in a Bond film as they went to rescue a fallen comrade? If this is what happens when Afghanistan is stable, then I would hate to see what would happen if it were unstable.

The Tories often seem better informed about defence than Mr Browne. Yesterday, for instance, he was told what he was about to do in Afghanistan by the former soldier and Tory backbencher Patrick Mercer. “I am told that the Government is preparing to deploy another full infantry battalion to Afghanistan, bringing the total up to three,” he said. Desperate Des looked, well, desperate. Perhaps this was news to him. Perhaps it was news that he didn’t want to be news. Mr Mercer then gave him an escape route (this is the curse of the Tories) by saying that the troops already there had been plagued by faulty ammunition, dodgy radios and inadequate air support.

Through the murk, I saw Des dig out a newspaper cutting and read to us a quote that said that the supply chain was peachy. He then attacked Mr Mercer (for he was, of course, the messenger). “It does a distinct disservice to those brave troops who are carrying out this work bravely and competently for you and others to constantly peddle dishonesties!”

There was uproar. The Speaker, who acts as a sort of Supernanny in fancy dress, chided Mr Browne. “I don’t think any member of the House would be dishonest.”

Des, teeth grinding like gears in a lorry struggling up a steep hill, growled: “I withdraw the word and I substitute the word inaccuracies.”

Mr Mercer snapped back: “What about the extra battalion?”

What indeed. The second assault came from Liam Fox, the Shadow Defence Secretary. “Can you confirm that two battalions in Afghanistan are to be replaced by three?” he demanded.

What followed can be reported only by sound, for it was like a white-out in the chamber and my plucky little torch could no longer help. Des spluttered about how everything was peachy and then said: “As far as our force levels are concerned, we continue to keep them under review. There is a process to be gone through. When that process is completed then I will report to the House.”

Even without my goggles or torch, I think that was a yes.

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