It was so deserted in the Commons yesterday that it made the Mary Celeste look like a rave. It may be the most political day of the year but not, of course, in Parliament. That would be too obvious. I blame the election. It gives MPs the perfect excuse to “work from home”. Not that they normally need an excuse. This is a Thank God It’s Thursday sort of place. But yesterday was ridiculous: there was only one Labour MP on the backbenches.

He was Jim Cunningham. He is so unremarkable that this is the first time I have ever typed his name. But cometh the hour, cometh the (only) man. He is not so much old Labour as petrified Labour. But, as the sole tribesman present yesterday, he had to do his duty and stay for hours.

After a while, I began to feel sorry for him, not least because it was Trade and Industry Questions. This was an endurance test. Indeed, it was very close to mental torture. After almost an hour, I saw Mr Cunningham signalling to a whip, presumably to request a comfort break. But permission was refused. Mr Cunningham stayed in his place, right leg jiggling like mad. If you are a PoW (Prisoner of Whips), you have no rights. At least Mr Cunningham didn’t have to wear an orange jumpsuit.

Alistair Darling is the Trade and Industry Secretary. I mention this because you may have forgotten. I certainly had. My God, he’s tedious. Mogadon in shoes. Absolutely, interminably, stupefyingly dull. (I may have made my point too weakly.) It is said that, when Gordon Brown becomes Prime Minister, Mr Darling will be Chancellor. This cannot be allowed. We will all need electric shock devices to endure it.

You know things are bad when you are relieved to see Jack Straw enter the Chamber. Mr Straw didn’t seem bothered that, on his side, only the enslaved Mr Cunningham was present. There were also a few Tories, but actually Mr Straw needs no audience, for he is used to talking to an audience of one (ie, himself).

Mr Straw is doing his best to become interesting. It’s an uphill struggle, obviously, but every week during Business Questions he gives us titbits about his life. Yesterday, he immediately had to share that he was reading a biography of Benjamin Franklin. I looked at Mr Cunningham. His face never moved. I think he was close to losing consciousness. Mr Straw heaped more praise on Franklin, inventor of the bifocal lens and lightning rod. It seems Ben, from the grave, has spoken to Jack about Scotland. After the Union in 1707, Franklin had noted that many Scots had been worried that, like Jonah, they would be swallowed by the whale. “But Franklin – and these are Franklin’s words, not mine – went on to observe that it was Jonah that swallowed the whale!” squealed Jack.

Sir Nicholas Winterton, the Tory, also had to get in on the act: “It contributed in a major way to our country ruling the largest and best managed empire that the world has ever known!”

Mr Straw chided: “It might not be appropriate to major on the imperial consequences in quite the way you do.”

Sir Nicholas, who is almost always inappropriate, shouted: “The Scotch should be proud of the Empire.”

Mr Straw looked alarmed. “I do not think that they like being called Scotch either – that word refers to eggs, does it not?”

I looked over at Mr Cunningham but he was not there. The prisoner had tunnelled out.

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