Another day, another statement on the junior doctors fiasco from Patricia Hewitt. The Health Secretary cannot let a day go by without making one. Indeed, I think she’s become addicted to them. It’s quite unhealthy, really, how she seeks out negative attention. Hopefully, over the Whitsun break, she will check into the Priory and get a grip.

But, as I watched Patsy yesterday, I had to give her credit. She’s still there. She’s living proof that singing I Will Survive every hour on the hour can work. Patricia is being called beleaguered and, worryingly, she thinks that’s a compliment. Apparently the only song on her iPod now is Elton’s I’m Still Standing. As you may know, the chorus goes: “I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah/I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah.”

The Opposition, of course, have replaced the “yeah yeah yeah” with “boo hoo hoo”. When she heard this, Patsy shook her head and pursed her lips, which is her version of screaming.

The junior doctors’ story is now as contorted as a cow’s intestine. I can’t even remember which stomach we’ve reached. Basically, the computer for job applications malfunctioned in the most painful way and had to be abandoned. The junior doctors took the Government to court; the judge dismissed the case but made a excoriating attack on Patsy and her department.

“I’m sure you yourself acknowledge that yesterday was something of a hollow victory,” noted Norman Lamb, whose name sums up his attacking style. “I’m sure you are not feeling triumphant, particularly in the light of the judge’s criticisms.”

I could almost hear Patsy singing: “I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah!” Patricia cannot do humble. It is not in her DNA. She can do patronising for Britain but not humble. Yesterday she announced that she had created 200 more training posts for junior doctors (demanded by the Opposition about a million statements ago). She also “acknowledged” the judge’s criticism, whatever that means.

“The Secretary of State has so completely failed,” noted Andrew Lansley, the Shadow Health Secretary, in his bulldozer way. “If you had just got up and admitted that it has been a disaster, that would have served you rather better.”

Patsy was spluttering with something (phlegm? outrage?). “I have learnt never to be surprised by the inability of the honourable gentleman opposite to welcome what is. . . ”

Someone cried out, as if in pain: “A shambles!”

Patricia’s perfectly modulated and deeply irrating voice continued: “ . . . really a very good package of support for the junior doctors . . . ”

This was met with more cries of disgust: “Come on!”

But Patricia just carried on up the creek without a paddle. “Which, of course, it would have been much better if we’d had in place from the very beginning which does actually now give junior doctors better support than the NHS has in the past.”

There were two Labour backbenchers in the Chamber to see Patricia’s triumph. Two. And one of those was a critic. The Opposition was contemptuous. Nigel Evans, a voluble Tory, noted that the Government was also announcing its new waste strategy: “We are going to have a statement very shortly about how the Government wants to charge people for how much rubbish they put out. I suspect the Department of Health is going to face a very hefty bill because of the rubbish that’s come from it over recent months!”

Patricia staggered on. At the end, I can report that she was still standing, which, as Elton knows, is a victory in itself.

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