I would like to report a crime. The Prime Minister has tried to steal the Queen’s Speech.

I can see why he did it. After all, she has got everything that he hasn’t. She twinkles like a star, he lurks like a black hole. She has a crown, he has a frown. She has ladies-in-waiting, he has lackeys-in-waiting. He’s desperate for some of her style and so thought that, if he gave his own Pre-Gracious Address, he might get some.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Yesterday’s Pre-Gracious Address was anything but. In future, it may need to be rebranded to meet advertising standards. The Graceless Address sounds entirely accurate to me. I understand that Gordon Brown himself wants something more elegant such as “Prime Minister’s Update on the Planning Gain Supplement Bill and Other Worthy Endeavours”.

I just hope that Her Majesty wasn’t watching. I think that she would find the Great Clunking Fist (back yesterday with a vengeance) most disturbing. For decades, she has set the highest standard of hand-to-hand combat with her lovely white elbow gloves and half-furled waves. Now the PM has wrecked all that, brandishing his openly naked fist for all to see. It really was so Scottish.

Gordon Brown's Black Wednesday

The Northern Rock disaster has torn away any remaining credibility the Prime Minister had

BACKGROUND

• Sorry story tests Gordon to the limit

• Gordon, how wonderful, wise and talented am I?

• Brown’s brain and his hand are not always connected

• How 'cruel' schooling scarred Brown

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• All bets are off as Brown drops supercasino

We had the “Full Gordo” yesterday, as PMQs came before the Graceless Address. That’s 90 minutes of Gordon and I defy anyone not to need a double gin after that.

The PM keeps telling us that he is listening more to the people but, let’s face it, what is actually happening is that we are listening more to him. It’s dangerous. “Stretcher bearers!” cried a colleague, barely conscious after being hit by Gordon’s housing statistics.

Gordon wasn’t taking any chances with PMQs after last week’s car crash. First, in response to a planted question, he killed supercasinos (so much for listening to the Commons). Clunk!

Then he and David Cameron had an an old-fashioned dingdong on a report into the future of the NHS in London. Dave noted that most people, when asked, said that they didn’t want bigger hospitals. “The report says 58 per cent of Londoners would choose existing hospitals as opposed to investing in fewer, larger hospitals,” he cried.

Would Gordon listen to these people? Back came the PM’s resounding boom. “It’s hardly surprising if people are asked, ‘Do you want to close your hospital?’ that they might say no!” Clunk! Labour lackeys hooting with laughter.

Gordo then shouted at Dave: “We will get on with running the NHS better. You can go for your PR, I’ll go for being PM!”

Plus, don’t forget, impersonator of the Queen. I have to say that, if we have to have such a thing, then I prefer Helen Mirren. She would have done a better job, even with yesterday’s Graceless Address, which was bursting with new homes, new brownfield sites, new planning laws and buckets of new jargon. Dave reacted to all this with a rather wonderful sneer. “I know this is mean to be some great constitutional innovation but I have to say that most of what the Prime Minister announced sounded rather like the Queen’s Speech last year, the year before and the year before that. We’ve heard it all before.”

Dave kept on jabbing away (he is too metrosexual to clunk). “For ten years you have plotted and schemed for the top job but all we’ve got is a sort of rerelease of the 1997 manifesto. The country has moved on but you simply haven’t.”

Surely, though, that is unfair. Gordon Brown has moved on. To the Queen’s territory. Clunk!

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