It wasn’t a “me me me” speech. It was a “me me me me me” speech. Gordon Brown gave a speech yesterday that was full of himself and his wonderful vision of Britain. It’s a fantastic place and Gordon’s a fantastic man. How do I know? He told me so. “This is who I am,” he boomed as he embarked on an impressive slalom run of 12 sentences that all featured the vertical pronoun.

It took 65 minutes. This week in Bournemouth all ministers have had to give speeches that are seven minutes long. Now we know why. Gordon needed every extra minute for himself. You can’t build a personality cult in seven minutes. He entitled the speech “Strength to Change Britain”. You had to be strong just to live through it without a water break.

He told us all about his family, the wonderful and wise Browns. They are like the Waltons, though more wholesome. I’m not sure the Waltons knew as many Bible verses as the Browns. They trade parables and talents over breakfast. Plus, the Browns all have moral compasses. Gordon was showing his off again yesterday. “This is who I am,” he boomed, dial spinning like mad.

He even had a go at interviewing himself. It was like This Is Your Life but with Gordon both asking and answering the questions. “So what first made me want to do something in public service?” he asked himself. Gordo then paused before answering himself: “I don’t recall all the sermons my father preached Sunday after Sunday. But I will never forget these words he left me with: ‘We must be givers as well as getters.’ ”

The audience in Bournemouth (the getters) were rapt. Gordo was giving them what they wanted. My, but they love him now. It must be such a relief to have only one leader after all those years of split allegiances. He arrived to an instant standing pre-ovation. The floor was red and the backdrop blue: it was a thoroughly British stage. Gordon’s hair had been hair-sprayed into a cement wave. He looked immaculate.

He began by telling us that he was humble. Obviously. He told us what Britain has endured in the past three months: terrorist attack, foot-and-mouth, floods. “Britain has been tested and not found wanting,” he cried. “This is who we are.” But then that was enough about us. Soon he was back to his favourite topic: “I am proud to be British. I believe in British values.”

The tone was relentlessly serious. At one point, he announced: “Sometimes people say I am too serious and I fight too hard and maybe that’s true.” My only quibble is with the word “sometimes”. Yesterday, in 65 minutes, he had one quasi-joke.

This was very near the beginning. He said everyone was always asking him if he liked being Prime Minister. “And I say, well, the hours are long but at least you can walk to work. Then people say to me, would you recommend this job to anyone else? And I say, ‘Not yet!’ ” This was met with hysterical laughter. Perhaps they knew that they had 60-odd minutes of stodge to come.

Gordon has quite the plan for us. He’s revolutionising schools. Yes, I know, but it can’t be done enough. “Education is my passion,” he announced without any passion at all. Plus he’s revolutionising the NHS and the economy. And, oh yes, he’s abolishing class. “Showing a class-free society is not a slogan but in Britain can become a reality,” he said.

He mentioned Tony Blair (he calls him by both names) but not for 53 minutes. Revenge is sweet, I think. But then, and none too soon, he returned to his Mastermind subject. “This is my pledge to the British people,” he vowed. “I will not let you down. I will stand up for our schools and our hospitals. I will stand up for British values. I will stand up for a strong Britain.” He extended his arms, stiffly, like a mannequin. “And I will always stand up for you!” But he didn’t have to because they had already stood up for him.

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